- Now don't forget that granny just cooked
a whole pack of bacon
and put it out on the dining room table for you kids.
Wouldn't want you getting hungry,
especially not between second breakfast
and your pre-launch snack.
Grandma would love to take you to the movies for a day
of sneaking into shows we didn't pay for,
but your mom says you need to get your English grades up.
So homework it is. I mean, she has a point.
A C minus, come on, kid. You speak English.
Oh sure, you can paint granny's nails,
but you better have the right materials for the job.
I need something that dries quickly
and really draws attention to the middle finger
when I'm on the freeway.
Oh my, come here and give grandma a big hug,
but only if you're okay with that.
Grandma loves respecting your personal boundaries
just as much as she loves getting
to blame her lifelong aversion to doing chores
on being too old to keep up with things now.
Well, almost as much.
Welcome to grandma's house, children.
I've spent the entire morning cleaning up.
So don't touch anything,
especially not that priceless collection of porcelain dolls
that I have put easily within your reach, okay?
We're gonna control our impulses today, all right?
Aren't you the cutest little thing?
Why, I still remember when I was in diapers,
babbling nonsense, screaming my lungs out one moment,
laughing with sheer glee the next.
It was yesterday. Good times.
And that is why you are grandma's favorite, Sally.
Now run along and enjoy the party.
And don't forget to send your cousin Timmy over this way.
Ah, sweet Timothy.
Want to hear why you are grandma's favorite?
You want a life-size princess castle for your birthday?
Sure thing. You want a kitten for Christmas?
Well, why not go all out and get two?
I love being a grandma.
You get to make impulsive and reckless decisions
to spoil your grandkids and then your children have
to manage the inevitable consequences.
These really are the golden years.
Not sure why everyone is so surprised
that I am good at being a grandma.
Being around children
is a lot like being around dumb people.
And I've been doing that my whole life.
It's second nature to me by now.
Oh, Jason, I've found just the perfect girl for you.
It's my hairdresser's friend's niece. Her name is Tiffany.
I think you'd really get along with her.
I don't know what she looks like or anything about her,
but here's her phone number.
She's expecting to hear from you.
Jason, by the time I was your age,
I was married with four kids.
I'm just trying to help you out
because whatever you're doing isn't working.
So sorry to be a bother, dear.
But can you tell Siri to order grandma
some new craft supplies?
She and I aren't talking right now.
She had some very unkind words for me the other day.
- [Siri] I don't understand.
- No one ever does.
I know you all think that all I do is lecture the family
and brow beat fast food employees
when they get my order wrong, and that's all true,
but I'm retired now.
What else am I supposed to do with my free time? Huh?
Play bridge? That's what old ladies do.
You might be wondering why your grandmother
is on her fourth glass
of vitamin enriched liquid meal replacement.
Truth be told, one of my lifelong goals has been
to achieve immortality.
If all goes according to plan,
I'll outlive everyone in this room.
No offense, baby Jackson.
What a gentle, thoughtful, and insightful child you are.
I guess you're an old soul just like your granny.
Although I guess now I'm just a soul.
(sighs) Really missing the days
when I was ahead of the curve.
You want a bedtime story?
How about we read one of grandma's favorite books.
It's called Grandparenting Like Your Life Depends On It.
You know, I didn't read a single parenting book
when your mother was born
and we both know how that turned out.
What do you mean you want to watch YouTube?
When I was a girl, we used to go to the malt shop
and enjoy a soda pop with our best friends.
These days, the magic is gone
and kids just live out their lives
in these lonely little digital bubbles.
But on the other hand,
that Frank James is a handsome young man.
Yo, check out these cool designs you could be wearing
on your own body.
Tap the icon on the screen,
or go to the link in the description.
You could be drinking out of cups
and repping your favorite YouTube channel which is this one.
Till next time, stay cool and attractive.