Oh, good to be here,
helping my buddy move yesterday.
Was gonna put the rest of the stuff up
on Craigslist.
Anybody been to this website?
(audience laughs)
It looks
like it came out.
when the internet came out.
(audience chuckles)
Do you want to put up some flash?
(audience laughs)
looks like braille.
I mean,
(audience laughs)
I don't know why people are doing this.
what are you out of your mind?
You're going to put up a couch for $23.
(audience laughs)
And your gonna wait for someone to come murder you
and your entire family.
(audience laughs)
Just put it right,
area rug for sale
come stab me and the neighborhood.
I mean,
(audience laughs)
I don't know, I grew up in an Italian family.
We don't trust nobody, okay?
(audience chuckles)
We had a garage sale growing up,
we were, we were nervous to even do that.
(audience laughs)
We had a meeting, you know,
you want to have this sale?
Yeah, we'll try it, yeah.
(audience chuckles)
And we just threw the garbage
out on the driveway.
Put a couple signs all over the neighborhood,
Come get our garbage.
(audience laughs)
And the weirdest people would show up at the house.
They'd be waiting in the street.
(audience laughs)
And you just watched this dysfunction
happen all over your property.
(audience chuckles)
Right? They look at your stuff.
(audience laughs)
(mockingly) This is nice.
Some of them get a little to close,
they'd come a little too close
to the house.
You'd have to tell him,
Hey, back up, back up, back up
ask me from there what you want
I got the kids here.
(audience laughs)
(mockingly) Can we use your bathroom?
Bathroom?
Get off the property.
(audience laughs)
It's not Walmart.
(audience laughs)
You pick it and
go back to the cave you crawled out of
(audience laughs)
And whatever we didn't sell, we threw it out.
But we broke it
before we put it in the garbage.
(audience laughs)
That's my Italian father
he's like, if they're not going to buy it
at my sale, they're not going to come by later
and steal it out of that garbage.
(audience chuckles)
Saw the couch in half.
(audience laughs)
What?
(audience laughs and applause)
He had a whole thing.
He's like, you know, burn the lamps
(audience chuckles)
Pop the eyeballs out of this teddy bear
and then decapitate the head.
(audience laughs)
Throw the head out on Monday
and then the body out on Saturday.
(audience laughs)
Piece it out over the week.
(audience laughs)
World's changing.
I don't think it's for the better.
(audience chuckles)
Everybody's walking around
tattoos, body art
what's that?
Guys will do it a lot,
they'll get one right on the bicep.
Now every shirt becomes a sleeveless.
(audience chuckles)
They gotta billboard the tattoo.
because there's like a special meaning behind it.
They'll get some idiot that comes up to the guy.
(mockingly) Excuse me what's the significance?
(audience laughs)
(mockingly )Why do you have a cobra head on your bicep?
Now the guy gets all emotional.
He's like, thanks for asking.
(audience laughs)
What it is, it's a
cobra head and the reason
I got it.
(fake sniffle)
(audience laughs)
Is my father got bit by a snake, okay?
(audience laughs)
It's not done yet.
It's never done.
They got to go back.
Right?
2025 I'm going to have the entire
snake all over my body.
(audience chuckles)
But for now it's just the head
but what's gonna happen, it's gonna come
across my chest cascade down my torso,
the tail's gonna to wrap around my nut bag.
(audience laughs)
No, don't laugh it's for my dad.
(audience laughs)
It's gonna creep around my back,
The rattle's gonna tickle my nipple.
(audience laughs)
Out of my nipple it's gonna say dad,
(audience laughs)
rest in peace, ya know?
(audience laughing)
What the hell are you doing to yourself?
(audience laughs)
What did you forget he died?
What do you look down?
Oh yeah!
(audience laughs)
People ask me all the time,
Sebastian, why don't you have a tattoo?
Why?
I don't put bumper stickers on Ferrari's.
(audience laughs)
Thanks for a good time you guys have been great.