Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is continues on from many questions I ve
had around trauma bonding. Today I'm going to be looking at the stages of trauma bonding, or
how it happens. So just as a recap from last time, trauma bonding is often a loyalty to or
a dependency on someone who is abusive and destructive in a relationship. Now
it s usually a relationship where there is an unhealthy power balance that is being exploited,
and it's usually through a pattern of both positive and negative reinforcement. Now
sometimes it can happen quite quickly, but usually it's formed over time in a very insidious way.
A way that quite slowly and a piece at a time reshapes how someone perceives themselves,
perceives the relationship. And they may even well know that that person is bad for them, they re bad
to them, and they are indeed very unhappy, but they find it very difficult to leave for a myriad
of reasons. So as always, if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful
please consider subscribing to my channel. But just to remind you this video is for information
purposes only and is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional. So there are
seven stages of trauma bonding. Now some of these may run in stages, some may run concurrently,
but the first one is what's commonly known as the love bombing stage. Now it s during
this stage that someone is showered with love and affection, passion, fun, gifts, surprises.
Both people in that relationship may love the same things, they laugh at the same jokes and
it's during that stage that you might feel heard, appreciated, supported and safe. The connection
between the two of you feels so deep and intense. In some cases you may have someone who is
suffering from a past trauma or emotional or financial difficulties or whatever. The other
person appears, they re like the knight in shining armour, or they re like Florence Nightingale.
They're there to support, they're there to help, they re there to rescue and they treat you like
you are the best thing that ever happened to them. Now this is a lot of the positive reinforcement.
The second stage, now about gaining trust but also creating a dependency. So they may be very kind,
courteous, respectful, loving, supportive and thoughtful. You trust them. They ve got your back,
they are on your side. Now I would like to say at this point that all of us each and everyone
of us at some level, hard wired deep into our very core, we all have this need to feel significant to
somebody. Now, whenever we feel significant to someone who is very significant to us,
oh my goodness the world is a lovely place. So it s during this stage what they're doing is,
they're doing things that the other person feels significant to them, and they become very
significant to that person. As I say, you can rely on them, you feel loved, you feel validated, you
feel special, and they have been providing this all along, have been providing it in full supply.
It feels safe to be able to depend on them for it. Again, building on that positive reinforcement.
Now stage three is where we often start to see a shift. Now a shift to criticism, and it's often
a little bit at a time. So it could be a joke with a Jag. It could be a little bit of sarcasm,
getting upset if maybe you want to do something or go somewhere that doesn't include them. Each
time what they're really doing is testing how far they can go, but also finding a way to
see if they can take that further next time. And overtime it becomes pervasive. You
might find yourself being blamed for how they feel about things they, they become more demanding. Now
the love is now becoming conditional, it is no longer unconditional. But those conditions are
only going one way because you might find that your conditions, your needs, they are selfish and
they are unreasonable. You might stop seeing your friends, you might stop seeing your family because
they get upset if you spend anytime with them. They usually find away that those people hate them
somehow or make them feel uncomfortable, so you start withdrawing more and more. You might even
end up giving up your job or something. So what really happens is your relationships with others
are changing, but even your behaviour is beginning to change. Your trying to mitigate how they feel,
and this is if you will, this is the negative reinforcement. Stage four is the manipulation,
commonly referred to as gaslighting. So what you might find is your sense of reality, normality is
being constantly challenged. You re criticised and your whole narrative is being rewritten.
Over periods of time you you're doubting your own thoughts, your own reactions, Am I being too hard
and abusive just by saying no? Is there something wrong with me for feeling angry at this? Am I
the narcissist here? One way or another you're being constantly invalidated. You are the reason
why the relationship isn't working and you are the reason why you're both unhappy. The fifth stage
is feeling a loss of control, a loss of agency. When all your normal methods of communicating,
problem solving, managing difficult situations they are getting you nowhere. You're constantly
being lied to, blamed, criticised, and no matter what you try to do to fix things it doesn't
work and nothing changes the abuse, nothing changes their behaviour is quite often at that
stage when someone's trauma bond, it's quite often on stage when people will do whatever they can to
try to get back to stage one. Which leads to stage six, a loss of autonomy, power and control and, a
loss of self esteem, self confidence, self worth. All of these things begin to deteriorate. Now more
often than not whenever we say things like self esteem, self confidence and so on, I think it's
not so much what I think of me, it's what others think of me. So if you're in a situation were,
if you will, the main person in your life is continually telling you,
showing you even how stupid you are, how useless you are, how selfish you are,
no wonder your self esteem your self worth your self confidence is going to begin to
deteriorate. Now other people, friends, family, they may see changes in you. They may even express
their concerns, but what often happens, as I mentioned in a previous video, there can be fear
there can be shame. The power imbalance, there could be financial abuse taking place or whatever.
But one way or another it is being exploited and what sometimes happens is the person stays.
They are making light of it or they're making excuses for their abuser. Lastly, stage seven. Now
it becomes like an emotional addiction. Now someone in a trauma bonded relationship is more
often than not they re like constantly running on stress, anxiety, depression, internalised anger.
Always craving for some kind of relief and some kind of pleasure, love, affection.
Always hoping that that next little crumb of attention, affection, levity, this time it will be
better this time it will be forever. But it never is. And always trying to manage. Survive the lows
in order to try and even get a little bit of a small high, and that high isn't always necessarily
joy and pleasure and love. Sometimes it's just the absence of the neglect and the abuse. So
that being said, I said this in a previous video and you know what? I ll keep on saying this.
Being trauma bonded by no means by no stretch of the imagination does it make someone weak. It
makes them dependent for a wide range of different reasons, and remember it has been an insidious
process. It has been a little piece at a time, stop abusive person. They may have accumulated a
lot of debt, so maybe accumulated that debt in the other persons name so they can't leave. The abuser
may threaten to harm themselves or someone else if they were to leave. Even if that relationship
has ended, if there's been a separation, they may have custody of the children. So the other person
has to put up with a lot of crap just to be able to get access to their own children. That could be
being kept late, that could be plans changing being cancelled at the last moment. But they know
that if they speak up, if they complain, if they do something, their children may suffer for it,
they may be punished for it. Either that or they may not get access to their kids at all.
Like I said, remember there is a power imbalance and it is being exploited. Some that s a brief
outline of the seven stages of trauma bonding. Now, if you find yourself in a relationship
like that, I would invite you to think about maybe speaking to someone, trying to get a bit of help,
speak to a counsellor or therapist, or speak to an organisation that might be able to advise you
practically. I will put the links to some organisations in the in the description of
this video that I hope you find helpful. But until next time, thanks for watching.