- [Narrator] Here's a quick tutorial
on how to be miserable for the rest of your life.
Step one, wake up whenever you want to.
Don't wake up at a reasonable hour,
an hour that makes you feel good about yourself.
Make sure you wake up
when everyone has had a head start to the day.
You really wanna make sure
you feel like you've missed any chance
to start your day off on the right foot.
And when you get out of bed,
don't make your bed and don't shower.
Just wear whatever you wore yesterday and head downstairs.
It's important that you start the day off
with little to no self-respect,
feeling as grimy as possible.
Step two, make sure your house
is always a complete disaster.
Your house is filled with many rooms,
each with a specific purpose.
You wanna make sure that it's extremely difficult
to accomplish those purposes.
The pigsty will also help subconsciously reinforce the idea
that you're a disorganized person
whose life is not in order.
This is an extremely important belief to have
when trying to remain miserable.
Step three, procrastinate.
When the thought dawns on you to do something productive,
like clean your disgusting kitchen,
just ignore that feeling.
After all you just woke up,
and you have so much time later in the day to get that done.
You wanna get in the habit
of delegating all your life's problems
to the future version of yourself,
who will probably have a lot more motivation
and energy than you do right now.
Step four, look busy.
After you sit down to do some work, open up a Word document
to help yourself feel like you're being productive.
Give your document a nice title
and then immediately open up Reddit,
Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter
just to check if you missed anything.
You see, it doesn't really matter what you do.
As long as you're sitting on your desk
and that Word document is open,
it'll help trick your conscience
into thinking you're doing work,
but you won't be getting any further in life.
Step five, wait for opportunities.
Never be proactive with finding new opportunities
to grow your career or meet new people.
Wait for all of that to come knocking on your door.
After all, if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.
You'll meet the girl of your dreams one day
and things will kinda just work out.
You'll probably also land your dream job
if you just wait long enough.
Anyways, the important thing is to not take action.
Don't try to figure out the most effective way
to get what you want, just wait until things work out.
Step six, be default no.
When a friend asks you to go out for a drink, just say no.
After all, you're super busy these days
and have a lot of work to do.
When your boss gives you the opportunity
to lead a meeting at work,
try to find an excuse to slink out of it.
The key here is to give everyone the impression
that they should just let you do your own thing.
Be so good at saying no
that people just stop asking you to do anything.
Step seven, be suspicious of people.
Never give people the benefit of the doubt.
Believe that everyone
basically just wants to take advantage of you,
and because of this, you should be guarded
and put up walls to protect yourself emotionally.
Assume the smiles people give you are fake
and that their motives are malevolent.
Step eight, never fix the things you dislike about yourself.
Continue to engage in activities
that make feel subhuman and weak.
Never prove to yourself
that you can overcome obstacles or better yourself.
Never attempt to transcend your vices
or change your lifestyle for the better.
Subscribe to the idea that people can't change,
so you shouldn't try.
Step nine, focus on things you can't control.
As often as possible, get pissed off at the traffic,
the government, the pandemic.
You really wanna reinforce the idea
that the world is messed up
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Focus on the shortcomings of others,
the failings of your country, and the state of the economy.
Maintain a constant external locus of control
over all the events in your life.
This will really help you feel powerless.
And if you're trying to be miserable, that's perfect.
Step 10, use fear as motivation.
Make the fear of negative consequence
your primary motivator for everything you do.
Set up deadlines that frighten you
and punish yourself for failing to meet them.
Use white-knuckle tactics
to force yourself into productivity
and remind yourself constantly
that your entire life could fall apart
if you don't keep your head above water.
Step 11, only do what is comfortable.
Let your comfort zone be the authority
on what you do and don't do.
If it's not comfortable, don't do it.
Avoid discomfort at all costs
and participate only in activities
that are familiar and effortless.
Don't concern yourself with gaining
fresh perspectives or novel experiences.
Stay in your lane. Operate in your wheelhouse.
Step 12, believe you're special.
Behave like you're entitled to things
on the basis that you're just different than everyone else.
Assume that the people that have what you want in life
just don't deserve it as much as you do.
Always regard yourself as talented,
unique, one of a kind.
This will really help you develop an outsider complex,
which will make it difficult to open up to other people
or see things from their perspective.
But since you don't wanna do
any of that uncomfortable stuff anyways, that's perfect.
Step 13, see life not as it is,
but how you wish it to be.
Daydream of a day where things are better,
fantasize about a life where all your problems are gone.
You wanna make sure you mentally escape as much as possible
to distract you from the obstacles in front of you.
Pour your mental energy
not into fixing your problems or improving yourself,
but into building up this fantasy
to be as detailed as possible.
Reflect daily about what you would buy
if you won the lottery or became a celebrity.
Constantly compare your life to this fiction
and become resentful at the juxtaposition.
So if suffering is what you're after
and you crave the daily strife,
then you're in luck because if you follow this advice,
you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.
This video was sponsored by Audible.
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Once again, to sign up for your free 30-day trial,
click the link in the description below,
visit audible.com/betterideas,
or text betterideas to 500-500.
(gentle music)