( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
HELLO, LOUIS.
OH, LOUIS, MY FRIEND.
I'M FEELING-- LOUIS, HAVE WE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE?
I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF THE COVID FOG.
I'M FEELING RIGHT AS RAIN, BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MY MENTAL
ENERGY IS JUST AS SHALLOW AS A KIDDIE POOL.
HAVE YOU ASKED YOU THIS BEFORE, DID YOU GET IT?
DID YOU GET COVID?
>> YOU DID ASK ME THIS.
AND I DID GET IT.
>> Stephen: HOW WAS THE RECOVERY FOR YOU?
>> I DIDN'T HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS BUT I HAD INSOMNIA TWO MONTHS
AFTER.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THE SAME THING, GETTING UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT SUPER ANXIOUS.
ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT WHETHER I STILL HAVE COVID, I THINK.
BECAUSE I HAD IT TWICE.
I ALREADY SAID THAT, RIGHT?
I ALREADY SAID I HAD IT TWICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY-- GIVE ME COVID ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
GIVE ME COVID TWICE, PLEASE STOP GIVING ME COVID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
TURNED A BUCK ON THAT, DIDN'T I?
ANYWAY, WE DO WISH-- WE DO WISH OUR DEAR FRIEND JIMMY KIMMEL ALL
THE BEST.
TAKE IT EASY, YOU KNOW.
WE NEED YOU OUT THERE.
WE NEED YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
SUCH MEAN TWEETS.
YOU KNOW WHO I'M NOT GOING TO BE MEAN TO TONIGHT, THAT IS
SECRETARY OF STATE OF THE UNITED STATES, ANTONY BLINKEN IS GOING
TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
YOU UNDERSTAND.
THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.
>> IN THE BUILDING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SEE THAT ANYWHERE ELSE IN
LATE NIGHT THIS WEEK.
WHAT AN HONOR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS I SAID, WE TAKE OUR JOB SERIOUSLY HERE,
AND OCEAN RISE THREATENS ALL OF OUR COASTAL
COMMUNITIES, AND IT SEEMS LIKE OUR GOVERNMENTS ARE--
AND I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD IN MY EAR, THAT
"THE LATE SHOW" LOCAL NEWS-ALERT COMMAND DESK THAT WE HAVE
BREAKING SMALL-TOWN ARKANSAS WATER TOWER NEWS!
LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE STORY OUT OF KINGSLAND, ARKANSAS,
BIRTHPLACE OF MUSIC LEGEND JOHNNY CASH.
AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOME OF A WATER TOWER WITH JOHNNY CASH
PAINTED ON THE SIDE.
LET'S GO TO MY COLLEAGUE CAITRIN ASSAF, ON THE SCENE WITH KLRT,
KINGSLAND'S NEWS LEADER.
CAITRIN, IS THAT RAIN?
>> NOPE, THAT'S NOT RAIN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
LET'S GO TO THE MAYOR OF KINGSLAND TO EXPLAIN WHAT
EXACTLY THAT IS.
MAYOR NEAL: >> SOMEBODY SHOT OUR WATER
TOWER, SHOT THE SILHOUETTE OF JOHNNY CASH IN A VERY SENSITIVE
AREA.
>> STANDING PROUD, HOLDING A GUITAR, AND EMPTYING THIS
50,000-GALLON WATER TANK ALL OVER KINGSLAND.
( LAUGHTER )
AND LIKE AN AD FOR FLOMAX.
BUT WE ALL KNOW THE MAN IN BLACK'S MOST FAMOUS SONG:
♪ PEE, PEE, PEE ON THAT BURNING RING OF FIRE
♪ URINE FALLS DOWN, DOWN BUT THE SPLASH-BACK'S HIGHER
♪ IF IT BURNS, BURNS, BURNS, GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR,
♪ CUZ THE PEE PEE'S HOT, SIR ♪ NOW--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU FOR THAT INFORMATIVE MUSICAL BREAK.
NOW, TO RECAP: A GIANT SILHOUETTE OF JOHNNY CASH ON A
WATER TOWER IN ARKANSAS IS TAKING A LEAK ON
PASSERS-BY.
BUT MUCH LIKE PEEING AFTER TAKING VITAMINS, THIS STORY HAS
A DARK SIDE.
>> NOW, THIS SITUATION MAY SEEM HUMOROUS, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY NO
LAUGHING MATTER.
>> Stephen: I WOULD DEBATE YOU ON THAT, BUT GO ON.
>> THIS WATER TOWER IS LOSING CLOSE TO 30,000 GALLONS EVERY
SINGLE DAY.
>> Stephen: YES, AND IN A CRISIS OF THIS MAGNITUDE, KLRT NEWS
WILL BE THERE, BRINGING YOU THE LATEST, LIVE FROM THE SPLASH
ZONE.
CAITRIN DIDN'T HAVE TO STAND DIRECTLY UNDER WHAT SHE HERSELF
IS IMPLYING IS A CONSTANT STREAM OF URINE, BUT SHE'S A
JOURNALIST, DAMMIT, AND SHE KNOWS IF IT PEES, IT LEADS.
THIS ISSUE--
THIS ISSUE-- SPEAKING OF WH WHICH...
THIS ISSUE HAS BEEN ON-FLOWING, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO LOCAL
OFFICIALS, IT'S BEEN LEAKING FOR THE PAST WEEK.
WELL, YEAH.
JOHNNY CASH WOULD BE 90 YEARS OLD.
AND AT THAT AGE, YOU PEE EVERYWHERE, MAN, YOU PEE
EVERYWHERE.
KINGSLAND'S MAYOR WARNS THAT THIS LEAK WILL AFFECT THE LOCAL
COMMUNITY.
>> PEOPLE CAN LOOK FOR THEIR WATER TO BE DISCOLORED.
>> Stephen: ESPECIALLY IF JOHNNY CASH RECENTLY HAD ASPARAGUS.
( LAUGHTER )
GENTLEMEN, I'M SORRY.
I'M GETTING WORD THAT, ACCORDING TO TMZ-- AMERICA'S TOP SOURCE OF
HOT, CELEBRITY PEE NEWS-- AN ARREST-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- AN
ARREST HAS BEEN MADE IN THIS CASE.
THERE IS THE MAN WHO WAS ACTUALLY ARRESTED.
HIS NAME IS TIMOTHY SLED.
BEHOLD THE FACE OF EVIL.
HE SHOT A MAN IN KINGSLAND JUST TO WATCH HIM PEE.
EITHER WAY--
♪ ♪ ♪ WHY?
WHY?
EITHER WAY, THE TOWN IS GOING TO HAVE TO PLUG THAT LEAK, AND IT'S
NOT GOING TO BE CHEAP.
BECAUSE, REMEMBER, THEY'RE LOSING 30,000 GALLONS OF WATER A
DAY.
THE MAYOR ESTIMATED THAT'S GONNA COST AROUND $200.
AND THE REPAIR JOB: ALMOST $5,000.
SOUNDS LIKE THIS LEAK HAS LEFT THEM WITH A CASH FLOW PROBLEM.
( LAUGHTER )
SMALL TOWN, LIKE KINGSLAND, AND WE ARE READY TO STEP UP.
THE SCIENTISTS AT "THE LATE SHOW" LABS SAW THIS PROBLEM AND
THEN SAW THIS AD ON TV FOR FLEX SEAL.
CALL ME, CALL ME, KINGSLAND.
I AM PREPARED TO CLIMB UP THERE AND FIX JOHNNY CASH'S
FOLSOM WHIZZIN' BLUES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SECRETARY ANTONY BLINKEN.
♪ ♪ ♪