♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BARK
EVERYBODY.
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO
TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING PEOPLE.
IT'S WAY MORE FUN THAN YELLING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS OUT MY
WINDOW AT STRANGERS.
BUT LATELY, I'VE FOUND MYSELF CRAVING A DEEPER CONNECTION THAN
YOU GET FROM MOST CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS, LESS "TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR LATEST PROJECT" AND MORE "TELL ME HOW YOUR ADULT SELF
WOULD BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU AS A CHILD."
BY THE WAY, DON'T GET ME STARTED.
WHICH IS WHY, WE HERE AT "A LATE SHOW," HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY
CRAFTING A SET OF QUESTIONS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO DIG
DEEP AND REVEAL MY GUEST'S TRUEST SELF.
QUESTIONNAIRE."
AND IN ONLY 15 QUESTIONS, IT COVERS THE FULL SPECTRUM OF THE
HUMAN EXPERIENCE, EVERYTHING FROM SPIRITUALITY AND THE NATURE
OF FEAR, TO IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE SANDWICHES.
AND SO I WANTED TO KICK IT OFF BY ADMINISTERING THIS
SCIENTIFICALLY-INVALID TEST TO A FEW SCIENTIFICALLY-PROVEN
CELEBRITIES.
I MEAN, NOBODY THAT BIG: YOUR HANKS, YOUR STREEPS, YOUR
CLOONEYS.
FIRST UP, TOM HANKS.
BUT BEFORE WE GOT TO THE QUESTIONNAIRE, I ASKED TOM TO
DISCUSS HOW HE REALLY FEELS ABOUT CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS.
TOM, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE YET AGAIN.
I'M SURPRISED YOUR HAIR HASN'T GROWN OUT.
>> WELL, EVERY DAY IT GETS A LITTLE BETTER.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE SIDESTEP RIGHT HERE.
I DON'T KNOW-- ARE YOU A DICK CAVETT FAN?
DID YOU WATCH-- >> I GREW UP WATCHING DICK
CAVETT.
YOU BET.
>> Stephen: I LIKE TO WATCH DICK EVERY SO OFTEN.
I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW HIM OVER THE YEARS.
I THINK HE'S A GREAT MODEL FOR INTERVIEWING AND I JUST WATCHED
AN INTERVIEW HE DID WITH LEE MARVIN, AND I WANT TO ASK YOU A
QUESTION HE ASKED LEE MARVIN.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT INTERVIEWS?
YOU'RE THE BEST AT THEM, TOM.
EVERYBODY-- IT'S PROVERBIAL IN LATE NIGHT THAT EVERYBODY WANTS
TO SEE THE WORD "HANKS" ON THEIR BOARD.
OKAY, I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TONIGHT.
TOM HANKS WILL BE HERE.
EVERYTHING IS UP THERE ON THE SCREEN.
THAT'S HOW YOU TRAINED YOURSELF.
DOES IT EVER BOTHER YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE THING YOU
SPENT ALL THE TIME MAKING.
"JUST GO SEE THE MOVIE.
WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL EVERYBODY?"
>> I WISH I HAD THE INTIMIDATION FACTOR LEE MARVIN HAD.
DON'T YOU THINK DICK CAVETT WAS A LITTLE AFRAID THAT LEE MARVIN
WOULD LOOSEN HIS TIE AND KICK HIS BUTT RIGHT THERE ON TV?
>> Stephen: I THINK HE WAS SMOKING CAMEL STRAIGHTS THE
WHOLE TIME, TOO.
( LAUGHTER )
CHAIR LIKE THIS WITH A CIGARETTE ON IT?
YOU KNOW, I SAW HIM-- I SAW HIM ON "THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW"
MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, AND JOHNNY CARSON SAID-- NOT TO MIX UP--
I'M ON "STEPHEN COLBERT" WE'RE TALKING ABOUT DICK CAVETT AND
I'M PULLING UP A JOHNNY CARSON.
>> Stephen: WHO HE WROTE FOR.
>> AND THE JERRY LEWIS SHOW BRIEFLY.
ANYWAY, LEE MARVIN SAID-- DICK CAVETT-- JIMMY FALL-- NO.
JOHNNY CARSON SAID TO LEE MARVIN "YOU'RE A WAR HERO.
YOU GOT A MEDAL.
YOU GOT A MEDAL IN WORLD WAR II."
HE SAID, JOHNNY, I I WAS NOT A WAR MERO.
I GOT SHOT IN THE ASS.
AND I WAS SITTING THERE BLEEDING I LOOKED DOWN ON THE BEACH AND I
SAW A WAR HERO.
I SAW A WAR HERO.
I SAW A BEACH MASTER THAT WAS GUIDING AND LANDING CRAFT WITH
RED FLAGS UNDER ENEMY FIRE ON THE BEACH AT IWO JIMA.
THAT MAN WAS A WAR HERO, AND THAT MAN WAS SERGEANT BOB
QUICHEAM.
YOU KNOW WHO BOB KESHAM IS.
>> Stephen: CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
THE GUY WE GREW UP WITH AS CAPTAIN KANGAROO GREW UP GUIDING
IN LANDING CRAFT DURING THE INVASION OF IWO JIMA.
>> Stephen: HOLY COW.
>> IF I WAS GOING TO BE ON "THE DICK CAVETT SHOW" WITH HIM, YOU
KNOW, LIKE IF WE WERE ALL ON THE SAME --
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> THE QUESTION ABOUT IWO JIMA WOULD BE THE THIRD THING I WOULD
ASK HIM.
BECAUSE I'D ACTUALLY LIKE TO KNOW FIRST WHO WAS THE VOICE OF
MR. MOOSE.
AND, REALLY, COULD GRANDFATHER CLOCK ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT?
THOSE WOULD BE THE QUESTIONS I'D --
>> Stephen: THE QUESTION I WOULD ASK IS, "WHEN THE TRAIN
CAME AROUND PAST THE SILO FULL OF RICE KRISPIES WHY DIDN'T IT
FILL IT UP EVERY TIME."
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR EVERY DAY BEFORE GOING TO
SCHOOL.
>> WE NEEDED TO HAVE MYSTERIES.
OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE GROWN UP THINKING THERE WERE SIMPLE
ANSWERS TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEM S.
>> Stephen: I'D LOVE TO ASK YOU A MILLION QUESTIONS, BUT I
CAN'T, SO I DISTILLED EVERYTHING POSSIBLY WORTH KNOWING ABOUT A
PERSON DOWN TO 15 SIMPLE QUESTIONS.
TOM HANKS, ARE YOU READY FOR THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE?"
>> HIT IT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: TOM HANKS, WHAT IS
THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> HAM-- HAM ON SWISS, NO TOMATO, LETTUCE AND MUSTARD.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S ONE THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY
SHOULD THROW OUT?
>> UH, UH...
>> Stephen: ONE OF THOSE TYPE WRITERS?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW YOU HAVE TWO RIGHT NOW.
>> HELL NO!
HELL NO!
YOU NEVER THROW OUT A TYPE WRITER.
I HAVE SOOCH STATIONARY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL, TOM?
>> THAT WOULD BE A TYPE OF WORM THAT LIVES IN THE SAND OF THE
BEACHES OF AUSTRALIA.
I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE.
IT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAM S.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENS?
>> WELL, THEY'RE THESE THINGS AND THEY COME UP AND THEY HAVE
THESE HEADS THAT IF YOU LOOK AT THEM CLOSE, THEY HONESTLY LOOK
LIKE SOMETHING THAT THE MANDALORIN HAD TO FLEE FROM.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN OWNER,
RIGHT?
YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A SLICE OF APPLE.
>> THAT'S NOT WHY I EAT FRUIT.
I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND SHARING WHO THAT IS?
>> IT WAS-- I THOUGHT-- THE VERY FIRST TIME I EVER WENT TO A
BASEBALL GAME WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
VERY EASY JUST TO GO DOWN TO THE GIANTS' CLUBHOUSE IN CANDLESTICK
PARK, EXPLAIN TO EVERYBODY AROUND ME THAT I WANTED WILLIE
MAYS' AUTOGRAPH, AND I JUST CRAWLED OUT TO THE EDGE AND
STUCK MY HEAD OVER THE SIDE AND WAVED A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN
WILLIE MAZE WOULD BE, "OF COURSE KID," DURING THE GAME.
I HAD SEEN TOO MANY TV SHOWS WHERE-- AND WE WEREN'T ALLOWED
EVEN UP CLOSE.
I DIDN'T GET THE AUTOGRAPH, BUT I WANTED IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> I THINK WE GET TO RACE AUTOMOBILES.
I THINK WE GET TO PUT ON CRASH HELMETS AND BEAT A.J. FOYT.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> "THE DIRTY DOZEN."
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT LEE MARVIN WAS TALKING TO CAVETT
ABOUT, "THE DIRTY DOZEN."
I'M NOT ( BLEEP ) YOU.
THAT'S WHAT MARVIN WAS TALKING ABOUT IN THE INTERVIEW.
CAVETT SAID, "YOU WERE IN WAR.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE DEPICTION OF WAR IN MOVIES?
SOME PEOPLE SAY 'THE DIRTY DOZEN'."
THAT GIVES YOU A SNAPSHOT INTO THE 60s.
SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT GALORIFIED WAR IN A WAY THAT
REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SORT OF ADVERTISED ON THE SCREEN.
AND HE SAID, "NAH, I DON'T THINK SO"
HE GOES, "FILM IS REALLY ABOUT PUTTING THE TEAM TOGETHER AND
THE TRAINING THAT WE DID, PARACHUTING INTO THE-- INTO THE
CASTLE OR THE PALACE, OR WHATEVER IT WAS.
AND ALL OF THAT WAS THE SECOND HALF THAT WE PAID OFF SO THE
AUDIENCE COULD ENJOY THE FIRST HALF BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT WAS
COMING.
>> IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO KILL NAZIS, DICK.
I ALWAYS FIND THAT A GOOD SOURCE OF FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
>> I SAW-- I SAW "THE DIRTY DOZEN" ON A BLACK AND WHITE TV
WITH COMMERCIALS ON IT, AND YOU COULD NOT HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT
IT WAS NOT THE GREATEST MOTION PICTURE EVER MADE.
>> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
>> GOOD MOVIE.
>> Stephen: YEAH IT'S-- YOU KNOW, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE
REAL THING.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: HE GOES, "NOBODY WANTS TO GO TO A NEWS REEL."
FAVORITE SMELL.
>> VANILLA.
>> Stephen: EXERCISE, WORTH IT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FLAT-- >> YOU TELL-- YOU TELL ME.
>> Stephen: COME ON, MAN.
>> LET ME TIGHTEN MY SWEATER.
CHECK OUT-- CHECK OUT THIS TRUNK.
COME ON.
LOOK AT THAT TRUNK!
>> Stephen: WOW, FOR A MAN OF YOUR HEIGHT.
>> IT'S THE CORE, BABY, IT'S THE CORE.
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> SPARKLING.
>> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A PARTY.
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE CAMERA.
BECAUSE I-- I GOT RID OF A BUNCH OF APPS.
>> Stephen: DOES THAT QUALIFY AS AN APP?
>> IS THAT AN APP.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A CAPABILITY ON YOUR PHONE, NOT AN
APP.
>> I WILL GO TO TUNE IN RADIO BECAUSE YOU CAN LISTEN TO ANY
RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: DIG IT.
YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
IS IT?
>> I'M GOING TO SAY "OUR LIPS ARE SEALED" BY THE GO GO OS
( LAUGHTER ).
WHAT DID YOU DO?>> YOU DID NOTHI BUT I'M GOING TO IMAGINE THAT
FOREVER.
♪ ♪ ♪ CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT
US TELLING LIES
THAT'S NOT SURPRISE.
CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THEM
NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED.
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY IN THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY.
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.
>> Stephen: I'LL GO FOR ETERNITY.
WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SIX.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> MAGNIFICENT, CAVALCADE OF COLOR.
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS, EVERYBODY.
NOW YOU KNOW HIM.
THANK YOU, TOM.
THANKS AGAIN, TOM! WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK WHAT MERYL STREEP
ASKED A FORMER PRESIDENT TO AUTOGRAPH.