- Okay welcome to this month's Patron's Choice video.
The topic you've chosen this month is
how to date an Aspie.
So in this video I'll be going
through the biggest mistake
that so many people make,
and actually this one thing
is the, my biggest fear when dating,
that other will do this.
After that I'll be sharing three essential things
that you should be doing in every relationship
if you're not already.
But before I jump into that,
I thought I'd share a quick story,
just to set the scene.
So, a couple of years ago
I was traveling through Europe,
and I ended up coach surfing in Sweden,
staying with a young woman who
invited me to sleep on the coach
in her lounge room for a couple of days.
And when she was showing me around the house,
letting me know what the rules were,
she made it really really clear,
and emphasized beyond belief,
that just in case I didn't know,
in Sweden you never ever wear shoes in the house
at any time.
And I remember thinking okay,
sure, that's fair enough.
I mean that's quite common,
in houses in Australia as well so,
yep, that's no problem.
But then she emphasized that again,
I wanna make sure you've got this,
no shoes in the house under any circumstances.
Okay, great, got it, no problem.
So the next day I went for a walk,
it was September, it was still nice and sunny,
and when I got home,
I, first thing I did was take my shoes off,
and leave them at the front door.
Alright?
So I went inside, and I put my slippers on instead,
to keep my feet warm.
So, I was having a good time.
I thought everything was good.
But when she got home, the very first thing she did,
is look at my slippers, and say,
"Are you wearing shoes in the house?
I specifically told you
that there's no shoes in the house,
under any circumstances".
So I immediately started to explain myself a little bit,
saying, you know, "They're slippers.
They're kind of like indoor shoes.
I never wear them outside,
they're just to keep my feet warm".
But, that was completely beside the point,
I'd completely misunderstood the situation,
and what I had done,
was inappropriate, in her mind.
For reasons I didn't quite understand,
and still don't really understand.
So,
the lesson there is that
these kind of little misunderstandings
can happen really really easily,
and in relationships,
how we deal with those everyday misunderstandings
can make or break a relationship.
So in this case for example,
what do you think happened
because of that misunderstanding?
Well I can tell what happened in this case,
she knew I was a foreigner,
she knew it was a misunderstanding,
I took the slippers off, I never did it again,
we were now on the same page,
and everything was fine.
I had a good stay, we kept in touch,
she visited me in Australia and
we're still friends to this day.
So, there was no issue there, because
we both understood
that there was a miscommunication
and it was no one's fault.
So, that was kind of easy because
I was a foreigner, and I wasn't expected
to already know what to do.
But when I'm in my own culture,
it's a lot harder to
have that kind of acceptance
if I accidentally do the wrong thing,
because in everyone else's eyes,
I should have known what to do, and I didn't,
therefore, I'm a bad person, or something like that.
So this brings me to the biggest mistake
that is so common that people make,
it's assuming motivation behind words and actions.
So if I ever say the wrong thing,
or do the wrong thing, or
neglect to say or do something that
you were expecting me to do,
I often get accused of an intention
that's not in the least bit true.
Or it being interpreted in a way
that I did not expect in a million years.
And I'm talking about really really
little things, like
why didn't you respond to my text this week?
Don't you care about me?
And, so when I explain myself,
it sounds like I'm making excuses, right?
That's not what I meant,
that's not what I'm trying to say,
that's not why I did that.
But I'm not trying to excuse my behavior,
I'm trying to help you to understand
me, and why I did that, so that
you don't get the wrong impression.
So that's why this is my biggest fear
in relationships, right?
Because if people make assumptions about me,
and don't listen when I try and explain
that they're not in the least bit true, then
my experience is that very quickly leads to rejection,
and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
So instead, and I know this is really hard to do,
is I need people to be
open to then possibility that
maybe their assumptions are wrong,
which means, asking me, instead of assuming.
And listening to my answer, instead of
pretending like I'm just tryna make excuses.
We tend to be honest to a fault, right?
So when I say something,
it's 'cause it's actually true.
And,
when I'm not believed, it feels like
there's nothing I can do about that.
So, I understand that
it can be really hard to trust someone,
especially when they're behaving in a strange way,
especially when their answers
don't seem to make sense in your world.
So, what I suggest instead is
you still have to ask, you still have to
listen to the answer and do your best to understand it,
but instead of basing your trust on that,
base your trust on past experience.
So, if I don't call you for a week,
and then I call you at the end of the week,
the next time I don't call you for a week,
I'm probably gonna call you at the end of the week.
So, you can trust me based on
what you know about my behavior
and my patterns of behavior,
and that's a lot easier to rely on,
that physical evidence, than it is to
conceptually try and get on
the same page about what to expect.
Okay so that brings me to the first
absolutely essential thing
that is required in every relationship
with someone on the spectrum.
The first thing you need to do,
is give us time.
I really love the saying that
the greatest gift you can give an autistic person is time.
It really helps with communication and misunderstanding,
if someone else actually knows me.
So, get to know us, get to know how we work,
get to know how we're different,
and what you can expect of me,
that you would never except of anyone else
in the population.
So a really common issue when it comes to relationships
is the need to withdraw and have recharge time,
so, a friend of mine was coming over for dinner
to my house the other day,
and when she got here, she basically said,
"Look, it's been a really long day,
I'm really tired, what I'm going to do
is sit by myself on the coach with my headphones on
not talking to you for 45 minutes".
And I thought okay, sure, great, good, you do that,
I'll keep cooking dinner, it's fine.
And because I knew that was normal for her,
I wasn't projecting my insecurities
as to why she might be doing that,
and what I've done wrong, because
she is not talking to me for the next 45 minutes.
So in a way, this is kind of
the opposite of the big mistake.
The big mistake is assuming, making assumptions,
and the reason we do that
is to save time, right?
If I go out in the street and talk to someone,
I'm gonna assume they speak English,
because I live in Australia,
and it's a fair assumption
to assume someone speaks English.
It might be right, and it might be wrong.
When you're having a relationship with someone
on the spectrum, there is a significant chance
that any assumption you make might be wrong.
So it's always good to check in with your assumptions,
and the way to do that
is to spend the time getting to know us.
Which, should be fun, right?
Do you wanna relationship with me,
you need to spend time getting to know me.
So that's about you getting to know me.
Point number two, is
helping me to get to know you,
by making your expectations as explicit as possible.
If I have to guess what someone else wants,
I might guess okay, I'm getting pretty good
at guessing in general.
But, it's a lot easier, and takes a lot less energy,
if you can just tell me what you want.
And I know that's really difficult for people because
people on the spectrum tend to be
a lot more direct than the rest of the population,
so it might be difficult for you to be that direct.
But if you can start learning
that it's actually okay,
and I'm not gonna judge you,
it's just really helpful to know
exactly what you want.
And I'll be really grateful because
this whole relationship thing
is really hard for me too, alright?
So if you're doing some of the work,
that is a massive burden off my shoulders,
because I am not solely responsible for our communication.
And, if we get to the point where
one person is solely responsible
for ensuring there are no miscommunications,
that is not a good place to be in.
That's not gonna last very long.
Proper communication requires
both parties taking their own responsibility
to try as hard as they can to understand
the other person, and try as hard as they can to be
as clear as they can in their communication
with the other person.
And this is a lot harder than it looks sometimes.
I mean I'll admit, we can be really difficult to read.
There's a young woman on the spectrum
that I was working with last year, and
her voice sounds sarcastic,
no matter what she says, no matter how
seriously she says it.
So it's really hard to tell
whether she's being serious, or whether
she's making a joke, especially because
a lot of the time she's legitimately being sarcastic, so
I constantly have to check in,
to make sure that I understood what she said
in the way that she actually meant it,
because if I just assume
based on what it sounds like to me,
I'll get it wrong, significant amount of the time.
And the other reason it's really important,
to make your needs really explicit,
because if I can't meet them for any reason,
I can tell you and we can work out
some way around it.
Like if you want me to respond
to SMS straight away,
and I can tell you, look, I'm sorry,
I really can't do that.
So, if you want
someone who can do that,
well this isn't gonna work out.
However, if that's something that you can live with,
and you know that I still care about you,
it's just that I'm not gonna respond
to your SMS straight away.
If you can accept that,
then all of a sudden, we
can still have a relationship,
and this little miscommunication
doesn't destroy everything.
And that brings us to the third point of
needing to be open to
non-traditional relationships.
I once had an online dating profile where I wrote,
"If you're looking for average, you're in the wrong place".
So, there are lots of things that you might assume
naturally goes along with the relationship,
but for whatever reason,
and that small one about the texting might be one of them,
maybe it just doesn't happen.
If you want a traditional white wedding,
that may or may not happen, right?
Or maybe that does happen,
and your relationship looks very traditional
from the outside.
Except that one of the conditions
of marriage and kids and making that life work together,
is that you have two separate bedrooms,
because he needs his space.
Look, anything is possible,
and I guess what I'm saying is
just be open to the fact that
everything that you think has to go together,
probably doesn't necessarily need to go together,
and there might be some weird
and wonderful reasons why
this tiny little thing is a problem,
and if we could only do it this slightly different way,
then everything would be fine.
So if you're open to being surprised
and letting go of some of those expectations,
you could be in for one incredible relationship,
with an amazing Aspie, because there are
so many out there, who
just need someone to look past the fact
that they do things slightly differently.
Okay so we might leave it there for today.
In summary, the biggest mistake is
making assumptions about and misinterpreting behavior.
And the three things that
pretty much every relationship relies on
is firstly, giving us
the time to actually get to know us properly,
and how we work and how we're different.
Being as clear as possible in your communication
of your needs and your expectations.
And finally, just being open to
the fact that things might not go
exactly as you predicted,
and they might take a turn
that is weird and wonderful and
so much better than you could've imagined.
So, that's
a couple of tips on how to date an Aspie.
Big thanks to Patreon community for
picking such a great topic this month,
and if you would like to have your say
in next month's Patron's Choice video,
you can become a cup of coffee supporter of this channel
for less than a dollar a week.
So, please consider that, if you're able.
Otherwise stay tuned for more weekly videos,
and I'll see you again next time.
Bye.
If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up
and hit subscribe for weekly content just like this one.
If you'd like to get even more involved,
you can join the discussion on social media
or support me by becoming a Patron.
Finally, I value your time
and you'll notice all my videos are ad-free.
So please help me to cover
what you want to hear by leaving me a comment,
and telling me what you think.
So thanks for watching, and I'll see you another time.