>> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND RIGHT
OVER THERE! LOUIS CATO.
AND COMPANY. OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
MAGNIFICENT. THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS A GOOD SEAT. COMING UP, Y'ALL...
( APPLAUSE )
QUITE A SHOW TONIGHT. COMING UP IN JUST A MOMENT, EMMY
NOMINATED WONDERFUL ACTOR FROM HBO'S "SUCCESSION," KIERAN
CULKIN IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND, I MEAN, I HOPE WE CAN ALL HAVE AS MUCH FUN
OVER HERE AS IT LOOKS Y'ALL ARE HAVING OVER THERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE FRONT-ROW SEATS TO MR. JOE WALSH, RIGHT
OVER THERE. SAY HELLO.
( APPLAUSE )
MASTERERFUL GUITAR WORK. COVERS LIKE "SOUL MAN."
BUT THINGS YOU HAVE MADE IMMORTAL.
IS THERE ANY CHANCE WE WILL HEAR "LIFE NEWSCAST LANE THIS WEEK."
>> THAT WILL COST YOU EXTRA. >> Stephen: THAT'S LIKE GUAC?
IT'S A LITTLE EXTRA FOR THAT HOW ABOUT JUST THE RIFF?
COULD WE HEAR EVEN JUST THE RIFF AT ANY POINT.
♪ ♪ ♪
AFFORD. THANK YOU.
STOP RIGHT THERE. >> Louis: COME ON!
COME ON! >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL WE CAN
AFFORD. THANK YOU, JOE.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, ADORNING THE
STAGE WITH THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS, INVITING THE FINEST,
MOST-TOPICAL STORIES, BOOKING JUGGLERS AND LUTE PLAYERS AND
LAYING OUT A SPLENDID CORNUCOPIA OF MEATS, FRUIT, AND WINE TO PUT
ON FOR YOU THE LAVISH LOUIS VERSAILLES GALA THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I SNAP AWAKE IN
THE WOODS BY THE AIRPORT, THROW A TARP OVER A DIRTY BABY
POOL AND TRAP A RAGTAG COLLECTION OF FOREST CREATURES
USING CHEESE LACED WITH COUGH SYRUP, AND THEN MAKE THEM WATCH
ME HONK THROUGH A BROKEN HARMONICA IN THE DERANGED
METH-HEAD'S PARTY HUT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!"
THE STARS. IT'S A LADDER TO ETERNITY
"MEANWHILE," EVERYBODY. MEANWHILE, ZOMBIE FANS, REJOICE!
WE'VE JUST LEARNED THAT "THE WALKING DEAD'S" DARYL SPIN-OFF
TAKES PLACE IN FRANCE. SO DARYL IS GONNA BE FINE.
FRENCH ZOMBIES ARE NOTORIOUS SNOBS.
( WITH FRENCH ACCENT )
NICE SAUVIGNON? GO AWAY.
I WAIT FOR A PROPER FRENCH CEREBELLUM."
PLUS, THEY'RE EASY TO GET AWAY FROM, 'CUZ YOU CAN JUST TRAP
THEM IN AN INVISIBLE BOX.
DEPARTMENT OF LUXURY SNOOZIN', CASPER IS HIRING PROFESSIONAL
NAPPERS WITH EXCEPTIONAL SLEEPING ABILITY.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT JOB INTERVIEW:
"WELL, I GUESS MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS IS...
MEANWHILE, DOMINO'S PIZZA IS SHUTTING DOWN IN ITALY.
OH, NO! NOW WHEN ITALIANS WANT PIZZA,
THEY'LL HAVE TO GO TO PAPA JOHN'S.
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE CLOSED. YES, ONE BY ONE, THESE DOMINO'S
FELL LIKE...
MEANWHILE, OREO IS BRINGING BACK THEIR PUMPKIN SPICE SANDWICH
COOKIE FOR A LIMITED TIME. WHICH MEANS YOU'LL ONLY HAVE A
FEW WEEKS NOT TO BUY IT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, THEY
HAVE AN "UNFORGETTABLE TWIST OF PUMPKIN SPICE FLAVOR."
I DON'T KNOW IF "UNFORGETTABLE" IS AS POSITIVE A WORD AS THE
OREO FOLKS THINK IT IS: "OH, YOU'LL TRY TO FORGET.
SPEND YEARS IN THERAPY. THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.3
THEN, JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE FREE, YOU'LL CLOSE YOUR EYES AT
NIGHT, AND THEY'LL BE THERE.
TIME. BUT THE TRAUMA?
FOREVER."
GUESTS GOT STUCK ON THE "IT'S A SMALL WORLD" RIDE FOR OVER AN
HOUR, AND DESCRIBED IT AS "TORTURE."
WELL, YEAH. "IT'S A SMALL WORLD" IS DESIGNED
TO BE TORTURE. IT'S A BOAT RIDE THROUGH A HUMID
DIORAMA WHERE THE MOST FAMOUSLY ANNOYING SONG IN HUMAN HISTORY
PLAYS ENDLESSLY. IT'S WHERE THEY TAKE GITMO
PRISONERS WHO WON'T TALK: "YES, I'M A TERRORIST!
NOW, PLEASE, JUST TAKE AWAY THE TINY HARMONIZING BELGIANS!"
EVIDENTLY--
REALLY? EVIDENTLY, A LINE OF BOATS GOT
STUCK WHEN ONE APPEARED TO BE SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE WATER.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE NOT MOVING. AAAAND THEY'RE STILL NOT MOVING.
OKAY, JUST WALK OUT! IT'S NOT A REAL RIVER!
THERE'S NO CROCODILES! IT'S TWO FEET DEEP!
"WELL, KIDS, I GUESS THIS IS IT. WE COULD WALK TO SHORE, 18
INCHES FROM HERE. BUT THE HEM OF MY SHORTS MIGHT
GET DAMP. WHO'RE WHO DO WE EAT FIRST?
BILLY EATS CHOREOS. MAYBE HE TASTES LIKE CINNAMON.
MEANWHILE, AMERICAN FOOTBALL DOOFUS AARON RODGERS SAID THAT
TAKING THE PSYCHEDELIC DRUG AYAHUASCA LED TO "THE BEST
SEASON OF MY CAREER." SHOCKINGLY, THERE WILL BE NO
REPERCUSSIONS FOR THE DRUG USE, BECAUSE PSYCHEDELICS AREN'T A
BANNED SUBSTANCE SO "HIS USE OF AYAHUASCA WON'T GET HIM IN
TROUBLE WITH THE N.F.L.," THE LEAGUE SAYS.
IN FACT, THE N.F.L. IS SO ON BOARD, THEY RELEASED A BRAND-NEW
SLATE OF PROMOS. SEE IF YOU CAN TELL.
>> MONDAY NIGHT, THE RAIDERS TAKE ON THE CHARGERS BUT, IN
FACT, THEY ARE ALL ONE PEOPLE, CONNECTED BY THE WORLD-SPIRIT,
IN AN INFINITELY EXPANDING PLANE OF HUMAN COMPASSION.
SEE THE BIG HITS, FEEL A HUNDRED DIFFERENT HANDS ON
YOUR BODY, IMPARTING A BLESSING OF FORGIVENESS AND GRATITUDE.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY QUETZALCOATL, THE
OFFICIAL FEATHERED SERPENT GOD OF THE N.F.L.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KIERAN CULKIN.
♪ ♪ ♪