( APPLAUSE )
SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THE BAND WITH THE PLAN.
THE BAND THAT CAN FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
REMEMBER ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION SEASON, BUT LAST SUMMER, THE
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE PLACE IN
THE GREAT CITY OF MILWAUKEE.
HOWEVER, DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THE D.N.C. WENT ENTIREL
VIRTUAL AT THE LAST MINUTE.
SO WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" PUT TOGETHER A VIRTUAL TOUR OF
MILWAUKEE WITH JOKES ABOUT DRINKING VIRTUAL BEER AND
GOING TO A VIRTUAL TAILGATE.
UNFORTUNATELY, MILWAUKEE DID NOT FIND IT EVEN "VIRTUALLY" FUNNY.
( LAUGHTER )
WENT ON THE AIR AND ISSUED A SINCERE APOLOGY, WHERE I TOOK
FULL RESPONSIBILITY BY BLAMING IT ALL ON MY WRITER GABE, WHO
WROTE ALL THE JOKES ABOUT MILWAUKEE DIDN'T LIKE.
AND THIS IS HOW NICE MILWAUKEEANS ARE: THE MILWAUKEE
BREWERS INVITED ME TO ATTEND A GAME, AS SOON AS THEY WERE BACK
IN THE STADIUM.
AND I SAID I WOULD LOVE TO, ON ONE CONDITION:
ON ONE CONDITION: I GET TO RUN IN ONE OF YOUR SAUSAGE RACES.
WELL, I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT THE BREWERS MET MY DEMAND, AND I
RECENTLY TRAVELLED TO MILWAUKEE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE
CITY IN PERSON.
BEAUTIFUL MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, CREAM ITY, THE BIG CHEESY, HOME
TO THE CHAMPION MILWAUKEE BUCS, AND THE DIVISION CHAMP BREWERS,
WHO INVITED ME TO TAKE PART IN THEIR HISTORIC SAUSAGE RACE.
I WAS GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO ADDRESS THE CROWD
AND MAKE PEACE WITH THET WONDERFUL PEOPLE OF MILWAUKEE
AFTER THE THOUGHTLESS JOKES I HAD MADE ABOUT THEIR CITY.
>> PLEASE JOIN THE BREWERS IN WELCOMING THE HOST OF "THE LATE
SHOW,"" STEPHEN COLBERT ( BOOING ).
>> Stephen: WINNING THEM OVER WASN'T GOING TO BE EASY.
FORTUNATELY, I HAD A PLAN.
I KNEW IF I WAS GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO MILWAUKEE, I NEEDED
TO BRING SOME BEER.
SO I STARTED MY DAY AT MILLER BREWING, WHERE I HEAD WITH HEAD
BREW MASTER TROY REISWICK, TO BREW MY VERY OWN APOLOGY BEER.
SO MY GOAL IS TO MAKE A BEER GOOD ENOUGH SO THE PEOPLE OF
MILWAUKEE FORGIVE ME.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: CAN WE CREATE A BEER THAT ERASES REGRETS INSTEAD
OF CAUSING THEM.
>> I THINK WE CAN MAKE A BALANCE BEER.
WE WOULD HAVE TO BALANCE SOME OF THE COMPONENT WITH HAPPY YEAST.
>> Stephen: MAO DO YOU MAKE YEAST HAPPY?
>> YOU FEED IS THE RIGHT FOOD AND TREAT IT RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DOES IT GET AN INFECTION?
>> THERE'S THE BACTERIA, SO WE HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, CRANBERRY JUICE.
TROY, LET'S MAKE SOME BEER.
AFTER DONNING SOME LITERAL BEER GOGGLES, THE FIRST STEP WAS TO
DUMP THE HOPS IN THE KETTLE.
WOW.
THERE YOU GO.
>> EXCELLENT, GREAT.
.>> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE YOU CLOSE IT, TROY, CAN I DROP ONE
SINGLE TEAR IN THERE SO THAT PEOPLE IN MILWAUKEE KNOW THAT
I'M REALLY SORRY?
>> ALL RIGHT, ONE TEAR.
>> Stephen: SAY SOMETHING MEAN TO ME THAT WILL MAKE ME CRY
( LAUGHS ).
>> Stephen: JUST SAY SOMETHING-- JUST SAY SOMETHING
MEAN.
>> YOU KNOW, I NEVER LIKED YOUR SHOW.
>> Stephen: WOW!
WOW!
( APPLAUSE )
DISTILLATION PROCESS WAS OVER IN SECONDS, AND MY AMBER BEER WAS
READY.
>> AND THIS IS IT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE APOLOGY AMBER?
>> THIS IS THE APOLOGY AMBER.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I GAVE A SAMPLE LIKE THIS ONCE, AND MY DOCTOR SATD I WAS
DEHYDRATED.
>> YOU HAVE TO DRINK WATER.
>> Stephen: TO APOLOGIES.
>> TO APOLOGIES.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WHEN IS MILLER TIME?
LET'S GO.
WITH MY APOLOGY AMBERS IN HAND, IT WAS TIME TO HEAD OVER TO
AMERICAN FAMILY FIELD.
BEFORE I SUITED UP FOR THE BIG RACE, I KNEW I HAD TO APOLOGIZE
THE MILWAUKEE WAY-- WITH A TAILGATE PARTY.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S READY TO SEE ME GROVEL!
<!0> A LITTLE APOLOGY AMBER.
SO SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.
>> WE FORGIVE YOU.
>> Stephen: THANKS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO WIN THIS RACE?
>> RUN LIKE YOU'RE A TODDLER AND YOU KNOW IT.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THE SAME MUSCLE MASS.
( LAUGHTER )
TO THE CROWD TONIGHT.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO WIN OVER THE PEOPLE OF MILWAUKEE?
IT WILL BE-- >> BUCS IN 6.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT CUBBIES SUCK?
>> YEAH, THAT WILL WORK, TOO.
>> OH!
OH!
( LAUGHTER )
FIRST TRY!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
STEPHEN COLBERT HERE, AND I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M
RESPONSIBLE FOR THINGS I SAY.
MY WRITERS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN.
I DIDN'T WRITE ANY OF THE JOKES THAT UPSET YOU.
MY WRITER, GABE GROMLEY WROTE THOSE JOKES
( BOOING ) GABE, ARE YOU FROM WISCONSIN?
>> I'M FROM WISCONSIN.
>> SHAME!
SHAME!
>> Stephen: DON'T PUNISH ME.
PUNISH HIM!
>> OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOUR
NAME IS.
>> CAN GRIMILY.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE WRITER?
>> HE'S MY SON.
>> OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER PLAY BALL?
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OH, OH, SOUTHPAW, THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
GOOD LUCK, OKAY.
REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T BE ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH THIS.
>> OH!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: GABE HAD LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I HAD LEARNED
PEOPLE ENJOY FREE BEER.
BUT TO TRULY WIN THEM OVER, IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO WIN A SAUSAGE
RACE.
HOW HARD COULD THAT BE?
VERY!
>> Stephen: WHEN WE RETURN-- AND I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO
TECHNICAL HERE, BUT I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT DOG AND RUN AROUND A
BASEBALL FIELD.
STICK AROUND.