-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, let's get to the news.
Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court
after they made some pretty major decisions
over the last few days.
And let me just sum it up for you.
They basically said, whether it's a gun or a baby,
you're carrying something.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. On Friday, the Supreme Court
voted to overturn Roe v. Wade.
I don't have to tell you that plenty of people
are furious with the Supreme Court right now.
And in an attempt to tamp down the anger,
the Supreme Court released this message.
Watch this.
-We here at the Supreme Court recognize that millions
of Americans are angry over our recent actions.
But we really want to hear what you have to say.
So, call us at 1-800 -- [ Mumbling ] -- 9,
or e-mail us at... [ Speaking quickly ]
And you can always write to us at the address on the screen.
The United States Supreme Court.
Because your opinion matters.
[ Cheers and applause ] -You can just write them.
You can just find the address.
In response to the ruling, President Biden said the Court
is literally taking America back 150 years.
And if there's anyone who knows what things were like back then,
it would be President Biden.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I saw that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
responded to the Court's decision by reading a poem.
[ Laughter ]
Even Democrats were like, "Look, if this poem
doesn't start off with 'Clarence Thomas'
and end with 'Nantucket,'
we don't want to hear this poem."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, after the decision, Clarence Thomas
went even further and brought up banning contraception.
[ Audience groans ] It's all part of his plan --
Operation: Get My Wife Out of the News."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. A new poll conducted this weekend.
A majority of Americans said that they don't agree with
the Supreme Court's ruling.
In fact, 59% of Americans said
that they disapprove of the ruling.
And that's not all. 52% of Americans said
that it's a step backward for America.
While 48% said, "Circle back next week.
I'm still mad about the January 6th hearings
and how everyone just kind of decided the pandemic was over."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Is it over?
33% said they don't really see how politics affect them,
then paid 100 bucks to fill their gas tank.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, 68% said, "I'm literally too angry
to answer poll questions right now."
[ Cheers and applause ] So just hush.
Switching gears, this weekend, President Biden left for Germany
to meet with other world leaders at this year's G7 summit.
And, as always, the leaders took a family photo together.
Here they are.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
Looks like "The Bachelorette: Senior Edition."
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? Over the weekend,
Rudy Giuliani claimed that he got slapped
by a supermarket employee and even went on to say,
it felt like somebody shot him.
[ Laughter ]
That sounds pretty scary. This is real.
We have the surveillance footage.
This is real. Let's take a look.
-There's Rudy.
Oh. That was it.
[ Laughter ]
That was it?
[ Laughter ]
He thinks that was a slap?
Clearly, Rudy didn't see this year's Oscars.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
It makes sense that he freaked out.
It's been 20 years since Rudy got a pat on the back.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news. This weekend,
the new movie, "Elvis," narrowly edged out
"Top Gun: Maverick" for number 1 at the box office.
And apparently, it's so popular
that it already inspired this new promo.
Watch this.
-Elvis" is officially the number-one movie
at the box office.
And if you loved being transported back to 1955,
then you'll love "The Supreme Court."
Now playing in 29 states.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Interesting promo for the movie.
Hey, guys, I saw a new survey that said
the perfect temperature for air-conditioning
during the summer is 64 degrees.
That seems cold. 64 degrees is perfect
if you're training Rocky inside a meat locker.
[ Laughter ]
I think it's a perfect temperature if you want to see
your dad's nipples poking through his T-shirt.
-Oy! [ Laughter and groans ]
Oh! Ay!
-Hey, guys, I heard about a family in Idaho
who came home to a roofless house
after a roofing company got the wrong address.
[ Laughter ]
The company was like, "Uh, good news --
you got more outdoor space." [ Laughter ]
I like how the neighbor watched and was like,
"What a coincidence.
We're both having our roofs replaced."
[ Laughter ]
And this went viral. A news station in Los Angeles
wanted to have some fun and surprise
one of their reporters for her birthday,
but things didn't go as planned.
Here, take a look at this.
-Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to you! [ Laughter ]
It's a floating cake. -Wait. What --
-Ooh!
You have to zip up your face, though.
Zip her up really quick. We gotta see this.
Watch your hair. There we go.
There we -- there --
Oh! [ Laughter ]
[ Sad tuba ] [ Rim shot ]
-Hey!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yep, they broke the zipper
and every ratings record they ever had.
[ Laughter ]
Viewers were like, "Hey, if that's the 8:00 a.m. news,
we can't wait for the 11:00 p.m. news.
Oh, my goodness." [ Laughter ]
That's right, it's the first time anyone
has ever seen a literal news flash.
There you have it, everybody. [ Laughter and applause ]