- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
When it's Thursday, one of two things is happening.
I'm either talking about things in the media,
or it's an FAQ video, like the good old days.
So, today I am doing an FAQ video,
and I have three questions today.
So I gotta get cracking, because otherwise
my videos are crazy long.
And I have a journal topic.
And I apologize, someone sent this to me on Twitter,
and I saved it, and I don't remember who it was,
and I'm sorry.
So if it's you, let us know.
Okay, first question.
This person is referencing, 'cause,
they broke their questions down into separate questions,
and this one is kind of referencing
what I've talked about before.
Like when people say they feel really attached
to female adults or caregivers in their life,
like teachers, stuff like that.
So she says, "Okay, so your vlog explained
"why we get attached to female teachers,
"but I wanna know how do we detach.
"How do we stop idolizing, wanting attention,
"and generally stop this attachment that we have to people?"
Now, there's not an easy answer to this.
And I actually thought about this for a long time,
'cause I was like, should I make a video about it?
But a lot of people commented and a lot of people
asked similar questions on my YouTube video.
So, get this book.
Can you see it?
Get this book.
DBT is great for those of us
who struggle with attachment issues.
A lot of what you'll work on in DBT
and the way that you can hopefully detach
is by better regulating your emotions.
First of all, just recognizing your emotions
can be hard for many people.
Then, regulating them, so, I feel really blank.
Now how do I better manage that emotion,
versus just lashing out from it.
And being mindful of when those things come up.
So when people are around, you have to be able to notice,
you have a little insight into,
why am I attached to this person?
What is it I'm really craving?
I think I should bring that up in therapy
and we should start talking about it.
Because everyone's attachment issue
is gonna be different as a child.
It could be that their parents passed away
really early on and they were really young.
It could be that their parents
were never emotionally available and weren't really around.
It could be that they were adopted and that didn't work out,
or foster kids, or could be a zillion different reasons.
Could be sexual abuse, could be physical abuse,
could be emotional abuse.
Could be a lot of things.
So, get this book.
Start working on your own process as you figure out
what you're feeling, why is it
you're attached to those people.
I know I talked about that a little bit before,
like you're trying to find what is missing,
that little hole in yourself.
And bring it up in therapy, because processing through
the reason for that hole will help you heal that wound
and do healthy things, instead of feeling
like you're attaching to anybody you know
who represents what you're wanting,
you can find people who actually fill the need
you're wanting as a whole.
You can create your own family,
you can create healthy attachments to people
knowing they're not gonna leave abruptly.
And if someone else has a connection with them as well
that seems like "deeper" than yours, you're okay with that,
and you understand the relationships are different
with different people.
But a lot of that goes back to emotion regulation.
Being able to sustain that maybe uncomfortability you feel,
talk with your therapist about it,
and processing it through.
I hope that makes sense, I know that that's a lot
and it's not like a (snaps) presto-fixo thing.
But attachment issues and attachment disorders
aren't something that happens overnight, either.
So, being more aware, talking with your therapist,
and getting this book are all things that I would recommend.
Now, second question, related to the previous question.
"Lesbian or wanting a mummy figure?"
It's so funny when it's a British person, a mummy figure.
Okay, so, "Because I look up and I get attached
"to attractive females in my life, am I gay?
"Having borderline personality disorder
"makes me struggle to answer my own question
"about my sexual identity.
"One day I'm like, yup, definitely gay,
my God, she's hot, yay.
"Next I'm like, hm, I don't know,
"maybe I just want them to be my mom?
"Please help" - my mum - "Please help."
I thought this was good, too.
And a lot of people commented below and said like,
"Oh yeah, me too, I wondered about that, too."
Now, those are big differences.
Wanting someone to fill a role, like to be your parent,
or being attracted to the same sex
and wanting to date that person.
And I think a lot of that, I have an LGBTQ workbook
that'll be coming out soon, I have the rough draft
already done, I'm just creating some worksheets and stuff
that are downloadable and printable.
But a lot of that's gonna come from your own work.
This isn't something that I can answer for you.
I can't be like, "oh, you are gay. You're straight."
Those are things that you have to think about for yourself.
So, when you're considering, am I attracted to this person,
I wanna date them, I would want you
to think about it that way.
Do I wanna date that person?
Is that person someone I want
to be romantically involved with?
Or is it someone that I'm attracted to
because they fill this role that I'm needing,
this hole that I feel.
And I think a lot of that goes back
to working with your therapist to figure out
what that hole is, and what are you trying to fill,
and what is the attachment issue,
and what happened when you were younger.
And healing that because when that's healed,
even if you work on that, and you got your book,
and you're regulating your emotion,
you're being mindful of how you feel
and what's going on and you're okay with it,
if you're still attracted to that person,
that's how you know, I like that person,
I wanna be romantically involved with them.
Those are two totally different things.
I know they can feel like really intertwined,
and we can get kind of confused,
but that's what I would do.
Is if you do the real work on it,
and you actually start healing yourself
and figuring out what it is that you're searching for
to fill that void, once we know what that is,
then we can tease out whether that person
is filling that void, or whether
you just really like that person.
'Cause both are fine, but the attachment thing
we have to get a hold on so we know
where it's coming from and how to heal.
And if any of you have worked on this with your therapist
or if you're in the midst, can you let us know below
because I know a lot of people feel lost,
they feel like it's taking forever,
will things ever get better, and there's a lot of,
you know, hopelessness around it.
But I know it can, and it's just hard to express in a video
because everyone's experience is different
and everyone's reason for needing
a new attachment is different.
And so, if you wouldn't mind sharing your experience,
that would just be wonderful.
And that's what's so great about our community is 'cause,
I can give you the therapist perspective
but I can't share in your experience
or share in this process, I can just
tell you what it looks like from my side.
So, please share, okay?
Now, question number three.
And this kind of goes along with it,
it's just a different side of what we're talking about.
So this person says, "whenever I first
"see a therapist or school counselor or social worker,
"I feel really freed by telling them everything
"and I am pretty open, but then after about a month or so
"of seeing them, I always stop trusting them.
"And so this means I can never continue seeing them.
"Have you ever experienced this as a therapist?
"And do you have any advice for me,
"as I'm meeting a new therapist tomorrow
"and I really want to escape how I'm feeling
"although I'm scared to let go of my self-harm,
"I've relied on it so long.
"Sorry this is so long.
"Love your videos so much."
Thanks, you are very welcome, and it's okay.
We can have some long questions.
Okay, oftentimes we are so excited
to finally see a therapist that we like verbally,
I call it like "verbal diarrhea."
Which I know sounds really disgusting, you're like,
Kati why are you even saying that?
But it's like we just, bleh, we verbally vomit,
if you wanna call it that.
Or just like, you can't even control it,
it's like, blah, everything, all things at once,
we share as much as we can, as much as we think about
and in the first hour we're crying, it's just a lot,
and then a couple weeks later, after talking and talking,
then we're like, now you're too close,
and I don't know if I like this.
And a lot of this has to do with recognizing boundaries
and giving our mind and body time to catch up
with what we're working on.
It's fine to verbally vomit or whatever
all the information out.
That's perfectly fine, a lot of people do that
because you've been holding it in for so long
and potentially waiting 'cause this person said
they were going through CAMS,
I know that can take like forever to see someone.
So you might be holding it in for a really long time
and then you're like, bwah, finally I can tell someone,
oh, feels so good.
So, I get that.
But, I would encourage you
to talk to your therapist about your pattern.
The fact that you're recognizing the pattern is amazing,
'cause a lot of times we don't even know
what we're doing or why we're doing it.
But, saying to them like, hey I have this habit,
this is something that I keep doing
and I don't know why, can we talk about this?
Would definitely be different,
and shifting the boundaries in the way
that we talk about things and maybe giving yourself time
to slowly open up.
Have them ask the questions, and you answer
as much as you can, versus just bluh-ing it out
and continuing the cycle.
A lot of what we can do to work on ourselves, I find,
even personally, is just recognizing our trend.
What do we normally do?
Because that technically, if we're looking to fix things,
hasn't been working.
And so, if this pattern hasn't been working,
we vomit it out, and then we talk and talk,
and then we're, oh nope, don't wanna talk anymore,
and then it's really hard to open up,
'cause stop trusting them, that's a cue
into what's going on.
What's happened to you before.
The more we talk about the hang ups we have,
the quicker we'll get through them
and the better off we'll be,
and the more we can build a trustful relationship, bluh,
a relationship with our therapist,
wow, say that five times fast.
But, bring it up with your therapist.
If any of you are having issues and you're like,
I don't know how to talk about this.
I don't know why I do this with therapy.
I don't know how to talk about this thing
that I don't want to when I feel so uncomfortable.
All of those things are things that you can either
A) write down and bring in when you see your therapist,
B) practice saying before you go,
and then just repeat it when you get there,
you could even email them, that's another option,
or C) when you see them, just bring up
that you have this pattern and you don't know how to stop it
and you're having just a hard time
because this is what happens, blah blah blah blah.
I get to this point and I can't talk about it anymore.
Or, I can't talk about this 'cause I dissociate.
Or whatever it is, because then, as a therapist,
we have the information and we can work to better help you,
to better guide you as we work through this.
Okay?
I know that none of these answers are easy,
but mental health is hard work.
I always talk about that.
Going to therapy is really hard work.
And that's why I'm proud of all of you.
Okay, journal topic, dah dah dah dah.
Oh, and someone asked how come my teeth were so white?
I don't actually whiten them, I did use white strips
twice in the last like three years, maybe?
I did it before the wedding,
so that's almost been two years?
That's all I do.
Maybe it's just the video.
Maybe it makes my teeth look white
'cause I don't think they're that crazy white.
Okay, journal topic is kinda like a little poem
and it's really good, so I'm gonna read it for you.
"Don't feel disillusioned by where you are now.
"Your progress is good enough.
"It's on time.
"Though everything may go unacknowledged,
"every silent step is movement in the right direction.
"When it feels as though everyone is going forward,
"and you're being pulled back
"by your own demons or your past,
"remember that every moment in this journey
"will play it's part in the greater narrative.
"What a beautiful story to share one day,
"written just by living your life."
And it's signed K.L. at the bottom
and I'm not sure who that is,
but I thought this was really powerful and really cool.
"Don't feel disillusioned by where you are now,
"your progress is good enough.
"It's on time."
That, I love that, "it's on time."
And what do you think that means to you?
Does that mean you need to read or put up and read everyday
because you are always second-guessing yourself
or criticizing yourself or having
to take two steps back sometimes
and then a couple steps forward?
I don't know, think about it, write about it.
Let me know what you think.
I love you all, see you Monday!
Bye!