just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you stop interacting with the opposite sex and
when you do there's always the possibility that someone could be unfaithful and the possibility
that someone could be unreasonably insecure and jealous in this love you podcast I'm going to
outline exactly what constitutes cheating and what doesn't I am positive that no one will disagree
with me and this will be the last word on the subject forever stick around I'm Evan Marquette
Stadium coach for smart strong successful women and your personal trainer for love welcome to
the love you podcast keep listening to learn if it's cheating or not cheating when we're done
I'll let you know how you could apply to love you to create a relationship that makes you feel safe
heard and understood we start today's podcast with a question from a reader many women would
adamantly argue that their husband flirting with a young attractive single gal at a party is Big
Stuff whereas I suspect to you and your wife it's small stuff so in 2022 what's your definition of
small versus Big Stuff I love this question and I've answered versions of it for many years on my
blog I blog twice a week for 15 years you're bound to get the same questions and so this is something
that came up a lot and I've got some pretty uh seminal posts on the definition of cheating
and the definition of micro cheating and this is sort of pulled from those ideas as everything our
opinions are formed by our life experience and how we grew up and our belief system and and so while
I'm asserting this the this is the definitive answer I am suspecting you're not going to agree
with everything I have to say here since I had a relationship with a woman who is petrified of
me cheating so much that she would continually check my web browser when I was not looking to
ensure I wasn't looking up people online I was she would yell at me at parties for talking to
other women ostracized me in the car ride coming home broke up with me three times in six months
even though I was wildly in love with her and I've never cheated on anybody in my entire life I have
pretty strong feelings about what it's like when you're made to feel guilty when you're not and so
I think if everybody gets on board with what I'm about to share the world will be a happier more
confident healthier place thankfully everything I'm about to share with you my wife agrees with me
so there's no internal tension in our household if you wouldn't want to date me I do understand that
as well so what is cheating and where do you draw the line is it purely physical is it emotional can
you be a cheater just for thinking about someone but never acting on it lots of people debate this
but I don't actually think it's much of a debate cheating is based on intention and a level of
interaction and I'm really going to run down a list for you and this list is going to appear
on the screen flirting with a woman at a party not cheating asking for that same woman's number
cheating watching online porn not cheating communicating with the one via live webcam
cheating having lunch with your ex not cheating having sex with your ex
cheating liking an Instagram models photo not cheating direct messaging the same Instagram model
to come over and sit on your face cheating there's not that much to me that's confusing about that or
contradictory about that so I want to give you a broader review not just my view this is stuff that
I've researched and I want to quote from someone who I really respect this is author Tai tashiro
um and his quote is though micro cheating does not involve physical contact with someone outside the
committed relationship it's important to avoid the Temptation and over emphasize the micro part
of the phrase and remember that cheating is the operative word when one betrays a partner's trust
there are always emotional consequences for the partner's well-being and the Integrity of the
relationship and so this is a probably the most commonly held view is that everything that you
could extrapolate in this in this slippery slope is a form of cheating if someone feels it's a
form of cheating and that brings us to what part is actually betraying a partner's trust
to me it requires the aforementioned action and intention followed by the lie about it
so another quote after all solid relationships are based on trust and micro cheating isn't
exactly a trustworthy Behavior this is his view of micro achieving not mine
if you're keeping your interactions on the down low what's lost on people who cheat is that their
interpretation or rationalization of the cheating doesn't matter it's the interpretation of their
partner and their partner's feelings that matters there's an old saying in social psychology what's
perceived as real is real in its consequences and that certainly applies to micro cheating when
someone feels there's been an infidelity there's a sense that it agreed upon standard has been
violated and it's human to respond to deception with anger distrust and a loss of affection
so I think he's articulating what most women who've been cheated on feel that anything that
feels like cheating which includes flirting with someone or liking an Instagram photo or
having lunch with an ex is all part of the same thing if I feel threatened by it it is
therefore wrong and it's therefore cheating uh I don't know about that so to play Devil's
Advocate what if a man is perfectly comfortable with the aforementioned behaviors right the
things she's uncomfortable with he's perfectly comfortable with talking to a woman at a party
liking a photo online masturbating in private staying friends with an ex all right fine cool
with that and I have my own boundaries there's nothing untoward actually happening there's no
intention of cheating there's no uh even emotional infidelity but the person I'm with is not happy
how is that she's right and I'm wrong and again you could reverse the genders on this right the
woman could could feel the exact same way so why is it that one person's feelings Trump the other
person's feelings let's hold on to that for a second let's just consider that also having
been the guy who's been in this situation the guy is faced with two unpleasant choices and
again you can use it as a woman if you've ever been with a man who's jealous you you could you
could put yourself in my shoes really really easily he's then faced with two unpleasant
choices if you're the person who thinks your behavior is benign because the intention is pure
stop engaging in the behavior that is clearly not cheating because the partner is insecure jealous
or to keep the peace lie because the partner can't handle the truth and again I'm giving you this is
reality-based dating coaching this is not I'm not cleaning it up I'm not trying to make anybody look
good this is what people do if I'm going to be petrified that if I go you know if I go out to
and this is this is not me obviously if I go out to lunch with my ex-wife to talk about our teenage
daughter and my current wife is going to be flipped out about it there's very little incentive
to tell her I'm going out to lunch with my ex-wife to talk about my teenage daughter because I'm
never going to hear the end of it and so again we could flip the genders on this this is about
people who I believe are unreasonably jealous and insecure based on past precedent so I know I'm not
the lying type anybody who knows me knows I'm not the line type I would sooner break up with someone
who forbids me to be myself but a lot of people don't a lot of people put up with relationships
where there's shackles you're going to tell me who you're with you're going to tell me how late
you're staying right where you're under some sort of surveillance State and they normalize
this and I don't think I understand why the people who are insecure about infidelity are
tempted to do that but what they lose sight of is that people who keep things from them
um that might hurt them or only doing so ironically to protect them not because they're
incorrigible Liars who are trying to betray their Partners but because they're fundamentally
conflict diverse and they don't want to change their habits nor face the possibility of blowing
up their relationship right and that that's that's crazy that it should come to this right if a if a
guy masturbates uh on online that it could blow up his relationship but with someone that could blow
up their relationship and so instead of changing his behaviors he's more likely to just withhold
the behaviors you're using Incognito browser or go into a room or stay late at work or right these
are the things that people feel forced to do when their partner is not letting them be themselves
even though what they're being is not objectively threatening so there's a Dr Robert Weiss I think
he's got a quote that resonates with me it is somewhat normal to find other people attractive
within a committed relationship just not to act on it quote being in a relationship doesn't mean
you never notice anyone other than your partner says Weiss it also doesn't mean you can't enjoy it
when someone flirts with you regardless of whether you respond in kind nor does this type of behavior
automatically reflect poorly on the strength of your relationship or how attractive you find your
partner or how good your sex life is sounds like something I could have written in other words
flirting fantasizing fine acting on the fantasies without your permission not fine
as long as you know your own boundaries right you can give him all the leeway in the world
until he actually breaches your trust now this is admittedly a nuanced view that doesn't make
either party wrong everybody's entitled to his or her feelings and it's entirely
possible that two people just are never going to see eye to eye on this there it might mean
they're incompatible that story about the the woman I dated at the top of the podcast
God I I would have married her all right but after she broke up with me three times and then talked
to her therapist and her therapist was like no he's he's a normal guy like he doesn't no big
red flags here that's what her therapist told her she she couldn't get over this idea that I should
you know I the the person that she fell for this out there extroverted charismatic flirtatious guy
um should not be that way around anybody else in the world but her she couldn't square that she
really needed someone who only had eyes for her and and couldn't even acknowledge the existence
of anybody else her level of insecurity was such that she needed that so uh presumably
she went out and found that person and I found a wife who trusted me who isn't threatened by
the fact that Kim Kardashian lives in Calabasas where I live that I might run into her one day
like there's no it's like oh that's a that's uh that's she's on your list Evan go go get it
to me that's a much healthier attitude is to understand it normalize it and laugh at it
rather than treat everything as an existential threat but if you've been cheated on if you're
in an unwitting polyamorous relationship if you saw this kind of stuff around your house like
it's very easy to conflate normal um you know eyes you know head spinning at an attractive woman or
looking at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue or having a fun conversation with attractive women at
a party with something that is much larger than that and so everybody needs to kind of land in
their spot but I'll tell you you're going to have a lot more success with the opposite sex
right when you have a wider birth for what you find acceptable as long as you could accept it my
book says it's full trust or no trust if you truly trust your guy you couldn't imagine him cheating
on you he's got a strong moral code he treats you well even if he's attracted to other women he
would never think of jeopardizing his relationship for a fling and therefore you let everything go
that's not actually cheating behavior and when you do so you watch him Express the ultimate Devotion
to you because no one has ever treated him that way before right and that's the real magic that's
where I want to end today you're going to be the only woman in his entire life who's ever
fully understood and accepted this about him and was confident enough for him to choose you
to allow him to be himself to not try to change him no he's always going to come back to you
because you're that person that's why he's going to stick with you forever my name is
Evan Marquez thanks for tuning in to the love you podcast for more episodes like this on YouTube
click the Subscribe button ring the bell choose all to get notified when new content comes out
and if you want a man who makes you feel safe heard and understood go to www.evenmarkcats.com
forward slash apply when you're done watching that video on fixing your broken man picker you could
apply to love you to join other smart strong successful women in a coaching Community where
you could finally get the relationship that you deserve I'll see you next week thanks a lot bye