WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, WELCOME TO THE LATE
SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
REMEMBER, REMEMBER, REMEMBER DURING THE CAMPAIGN IN 2016 WHEN
THE PRESIDENT SAID THAT WE'RE GOING TO WIN SO MUCH WE GET
TIRED OF WINNING?
(LAUGHTER) WALL STREET GOT THERE FIRST.
CUZ TODAY BECAUSE TODAY, THE DOW PLUNGED
617 POINTS.
TO PUT THAT LOSS INTO PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE A REPORT
FROM "THE LATE SHOW" FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ (
>> Stephen: THE STOCK MARKET WAS HE WILL BE MISSED.
THE STOCK MARKET, IT WAS REACTING EVIDENTLY TO THE
BREAKDOWN OF NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND
CHINA OR A NEW TRADE DEAL AND I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT HAD
IN OUR NEW ♪ TRADE WAR, UH
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR ♪ I AM REALLY ASKING
SAY IT AGAIN Y'ALL ♪ (
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: AFTER OVER A YEAR OF TENSE NEGOTIATIONS,
LAST WEEK, OUR DELEGATES IN BEIJING WERE BANGING OUT THE
DETAILS OF A FINAL TRADE AGREEMENT.
BUT THE U.S. BALKED WHEN CHINA SAID THEY WERE NO LONGER WILLING
TO COMMIT TO CHANGING LAWS COVERING INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY,
FORCED TECHNOLOGY TRANSFER, SUBSIDIES AND OTHER ISSUES.
THEY ALSO OBJECTED TO PUBLICATION OF ALL THE DETAILS
OF THE AGREEMENT, PREFERRING A SUMMARY.
OH!
(
THE WHITE HOUSE IS UPSET BECAUSE CHINA WANTS TO RELEASE A
SUMMARY?
(
"NO WAY.
NO WAY, XI.
I KNOW HOW SUMMARIES WORK.
IT'S GONNA BE FOUR PAGES LONG AND A BUCKET O' LIES."
SO TALKS BROKE DOWN ON FRIDAY, AND TRUMP IMPOSED HIS TARIFFS.
AND HE'S WARNING CHINA TO CAVE SOON.
(
FOR THEM IF IT HAS TO BE NEGOTIATED IN MY SECOND TERM.
WOULD BE WISE FOR THEM TO ACT NOW, BUT LOVE COLLECTING BIG
TARIFFS!" (
"♪ I LIKE BIG TARIFFS AND I CANNOT LIE
♪ YOU OTHER LEADERS CAN'T DENY WHEN XI WALKS IN
♪ WITH THE ITTY BITTY TRADE AND THE SOY BEANS IN YOUR FACE
♪ YOU GET SPRUNG ♪" SPRUNG.
(
OUTLAST THE CHINESE, BECAUSE HE SEES TARIFFS AS FREE MONEY.
>> OUR COUNTRY CAN TAKE IN $120 BILLION A YEAR IN TARIFFS, PAID
FOR MOSTLY BY CHINA, BY THE WAY.
NOT BY US.
A LOT OF PEOPLE TRY TO STEER IT IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
IT'S REALLY PAID-- ULTIMATELY, IT'S PAID FOR BY-- LARGELY BY
CHINA.
>> Stephen: NOTICE HOW THAT CLAIM GETS WEAKER THE LONGER
THAT SENTENCE GOES ON?
(
"IT'S PAID MOSTLY BY CHINA.
LARGELY.
SOMEWHAT.
KINDA SORTA.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.
THEY DON'T PAY ANYTHING.
WE'RE SCREWED."
(
LYING.
(
YESTERDAY TO WHITE HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISOR AND LAST LIVING
CALIFORNIA RAISIN, LARRY-- (
(
WONDER HOW I KNEW ♪ LARRY KUDLOW.
>> IT'S NOT CHINA THAT PAYS TARIFFS.
IT'S THE AMERICAN IMPORTERS, THE AMERICAN COMPANIES THAT PAY WHAT
IN EFFECT IS A TAX INCREASE AND OFTENTIMES PASSES IT ON TO U.S.
CONSUMERS.
>> FAIR ENOUGH.
IN FACT, BOTH SIDES WILL PAY.
BOTH SIDES WILL PAY IN THESE THINGS.
>> IT'S U.S. BUSINESSES AND U.S.
CONSUMERS WHO PAY, CORRECT?
>> YES, TO SOME EXTENT.
I DON'T DISAGREE WITH THAT.
AGAIN, BOTH SIDES, BOTH SIDES WILL SUFFER ON THIS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, TECHNICALLY ONE SIDE PAYS THE PRICE, BUT
BOTH SIDES SUFFER.
IT IS A BOLD MARKETING STRATEGY.
IT REMINDS OF THAT AD CAMPAIGN: "TACO BELL: EVERYONE WILL
SUFFER."
(
♪ OOH, I BET YOU WONDER HOW I KNEW ♪
♪ ABOUT YOUR PLANS TO MAKE ME BLUE.
♪.
>> WAM AS CONTINUED TO DRAG COULD LO KICK-- COULDLY QUUD LOW
KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO REALITY.
>> HOW LONG WAS HE WAGE THIS TRADE WAR WITH CHINA WHICH
CLEARLY HAS COST TO THE AMERICAN ECONOMY AND SCEUMENTERS AND
BUSINESSES.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN CAN I SUBSTITUTE TRADE NEGOTIATION FOR TRADE WAR?
>> Stephen: NO, YOU CAN'T.
NICE TRY THOUGH.
I KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT, BECAUSE IT MAKES IT SEEM
LESS DANGEROUS.
THERE SAY REASON NO THERE'S A REASON NO ONE WENT TO
SEE: "AVENGERS: INFINITY NEGOTIATION."
NOW, ULTIMATELY, KUDLOW DID ADMIT THAT AMERICANS WILL PAY
FOR THE TARIFFS, BUT THIS MORNING TRUMP DISAGREED,
TWEETING, "THEIR IS NO REASON FOR THE U.S. CONSUMER TO PAY THE
TARIFFS, WHICH TAKE EFFECT ON CHINA TODAY."
AND THERE IS NO REASON TO USE THAT "THEIR" IN THAT THERE
SENTENCE.
AND, AGAIN, IT'S NOT TRUE.
(
WE PAY.
MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD THING.
IT IS A BAD THING, I DON'T KNOW.
I UNDERSTAND ECONOMICS AS WELL AS DONALD TRUMP DOES.
I BET IF I TRIED I COULD LOSE $10 BILLION.
IN RETALIATION, CHINA IS RAISING TARIFFS ON $60 BILLION OF U.S.
GOODS, MOSTLY AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS STARTING UNION 1S.
BUT DON'T WORRY, FARMERS, TRUMP HAS A PLAN.
"WE WILL BE TAKING IN TENS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN TARIFFS
FROM CHINA.
BUYERS OF PRODUCT CAN MAKE IT THEMSELVES IN THE U.S.A.--
IDEAL-- OR BUY IT FROM NON- TARIFFED COUNTRIES DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, WE WILL THEN SPEND-- MATCH OR BETTER--
THE MONEY THAT CHINA MAY NO LONGER BE SPENDING WITH OUR
GREAT PATRIOT FARMERS-- AGRICULTURE-- WHICH IS A SMALL
PERCENTAGE OF TOTAL TARIFFS RECEIVED, AND DISTRIBUTE THE
FOOD TO STARVING PEOPLE IN NATIONS AROUND THE WORLD!
GREAT!
MAGA!" (
SO GIVE THE MONEY TO THE FARMERS , GIVE THE FOOD TO
STARVING PEOPLE.
THE ONLY WAY TRUMP CAN GIVE ANYTHING TO POOR PEOPLE IS OUT
OF SPITE.
>> DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, CHINA.
YOU MADE ME GIVE FOOD TO STARVING PEOPLE.
COME BACK TO THE NEGOTIATING TABLE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I GIVE
MEDICINE TO THE SICK.
I'LL DO IT, OKAY.
I'M TALKING UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, DON'T PUSH
THESE TARIFFS COULD RAISE THE PRICE OF A HUGE RANGE OF
PRODUCTS INCLUDING, DOG COLLARS, APPAREL MADE FROM REPTILE
LEATHER, MATTRESS SUPPORTS, AND CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS.
THAT'S REALLY GOING TO HURT THE HOLIDAY-THEMED SEX DUNGEON
INDUSTRY.
(
AND THANKS TO TRUMP, WE WERE FINALLY MOANING "MERRY
CHRISTMAS" AGAIN.
(