So you’ve decided to go No Contact. It won’t be easy, but it is the best option if you
want your ex back. But that raises one obvious question: what do you do if your ex reaches
out to you first?
Hi, I’m Brad Browning, author of The Ex Factor and Youtube’s favorite Breakup Coach.
As one of the biggest advocates of No Contact, I know that it comes with big challenges so
I’ve made a video for every No Contact scenario I could think of.
Today we’re talking about something that many people face during No Contact: how to
respond to texts from your ex–if you should even respond at all.
But before we talk about what you SHOULD do, we need to talk about what NOT to do. Because–and
I say this all the time–at this stage it’s more about avoiding mistakes than it is about
actively trying to engage with your ex. This is one of the main reasons to do No Contact
in the first place: it keeps you away from your ex and it prevents you from making mistakes.
And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that a text message from your ex is a huge
opportunity to make a mistake and screw up your chances with him or her.
So here are the top mistakes you MUST AVOID when your ex texts you during No Contact…
1. Don’t respond too quickly
Now, I know what you’re going to say. “Isn’t this kind of juvenile? Do you really have
to wait a period of time before responding to your ex’s message just so that you don’t
look desperate?” And look, I get why you feel this way. You don’t want to play
games. You just want to be open and direct with your ex.
But the truth is that being up front, honest and direct will not work in this situation.
I’ve helped thousands of people get their exes back, all over the world. If you did
things the way you wanted, nine times out of ten you’d just scare your ex away and
ruin any chance you have.
So trust me when I say, you need to follow the plan and be ready to fight your natural
instincts.
And in this case, that means not texting your ex back right away. So give it an hour or
two at the very least. Not only will this give off the sense that you have better things
to do–even if you don’t–it will also give you the time and space to think of what
you’re going to say.
That is, if you actually DO respond to them. In many situations, you don’t need to respond
to your ex at all. I’ll talk more about that later on in this video.
2. Don’t compliment your ex
Being too nice to your ex during this time is a mistake. Not because you don’t want
your ex to know that you care about them…they probably know that already.
Being nice to your ex hurts your chances because it puts pressure on them to be nice to you.
They don’t want to be nice to you right now because they’re trying to distance themselves
from you and set boundaries. So by being overly nice to them you’re basically interfering
with that process.
They’re going to think that you’re trying to manipulate them into getting back with
you, or–possibly worse–they’re going to think that you’re just pretending like
nothing has changed. Whether that means that you’re delusional or just don’t know how
to treat them like an ex depends on your ex’s perception…but neither scenario is great.
So this means don’t be overly cheery and friendly. And above all, complimenting
your ex is OUT.
3. Don’t ask if they’re dating anyone
If you want your ex back, you’re probably eager to find out if they’re dating again.
But really, what do you want to do with this information? Even if they were to tell you,
it would just drive you crazy. If they’re dating shortly after you broke up it doesn’t
necessarily mean anything for your chances so finding out shouldn’t be a priority for
you.
And more than that, by ASKING your ex if they’re dating anyone all you’re doing is hurting
your chances. You’re showing them that you’re obsessing over them, even if you think you’re
being subtle. You’re showing them that you don’t respect their boundaries and you’re
showing them that a conversation with you is only going to lead to drama and discomfort.
So hold your tongue for now because their dating life is off limits.
4. Don’t tell them YOU’RE dating someone
Whether or not you’re dating someone new right now, telling your ex about it is going
to be another mistake. I know why you might think this is a good idea… you want to make
them jealous. You also want to dispel the idea that you want them back. These are good
instincts but you’re not going to get the results you want this way.
If you just straight up tell your ex that you’re dating someone new, they’re going
to be thrown off. They may get upset at you, which is going to lead to more conflict and
ruin the conversation. Even if they brush it off, it will be CRYSTAL clear that you’re
telling them for a specific reason. Either you want to get a rise out of them, you’re
trying to make them jealous or you want to hurt them. In any case, this doesn’t help
you get your ex back…It only makes them think less of you.
If you are hoping to let your ex know that you’re dating someone new in order to make
them jealous, you’ll need to be subtle about it…watch my video on the Covert Jealousy
Technique after this video is over. You’ll find the link on the screen and in the description
below.
5. Don’t tell them you miss them
If you’ve been watching so far, this one should be obvious…but some people are so
ruled by their emotions that they feel they MUST share them with their ex and that’s
going to be a problem.
I’ll just say it: if you want your ex back, DO NOT tell them that you miss them.
Telling them that you miss them at this stage is just going to put pressure on them. You’re
basically asking them to say “me too, let’s get back together” which is unlikely to
happen. If you’re still in No Contact, you can’t expect them to be on board with that.
That means they’re going to have to reject you to maintain their boundaries. This is
stressful for them and actually pushes the two of you further apart.
On top of that, don’t let them see your sadness, your anger or any other negative
emotions. You’re trying to be an appealing romantic option for your ex and no one wants
someone who is down in the dumps. And knowing that the breakup is the cause of these negative
feelings is only going to complicate things for your ex. They may think that you blame
them for these feelings or that you want an apology. In any case, it’s a bad idea.
6. Don’t send a long message
If you do decide to respond–and that’s a big if–you need to keep it short and sweet.
As I’ve said, we’re trying to avoid desperation here so don’t spam them with a big long
paragraph in response to “how are you?” or something similar.
The same goes for sending multiple messages back to back. Or sending a delayed message
if they don’t respond.
Avoiding this will help you with number 7…
7. Don’t get drawn into a big, serious conversation about the relationship
If you do decide to message your ex, then do your best not to get drawn into a big long
conversation about the relationship, about what went wrong, or really about anything,
really. Your goal here is short and sweet. Keep things light and try not to dredge up
the past.
Nerves are raw right now. As much as you want to “clear the air” there’s a very good
chance that a conversation like this will have explosive results. Conversations like
this are important but they shouldn’t be had until much, much later…like after you
two have reconciled and started a new life together.
What You SHOULD Do If Your Ex Texts You During No Contact
So now that you know what NOT to do, we need to talk about what you SHOULD do when your
ex texts you during No Contact.
Well there are a few things to consider here but the first rule I have for you is pretty
simple: don’t freak out. Take your time to read and respond to any message. Don’t
let your emotions take control and lead you into saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
It’s easier said than done but if you can slow down, take a breath and take your time,
you’re going to be alright.
But the real question here is how should you respond? Or really, should you respond at
all.
Because, in MOST situations where your ex texts you during No Contact, you should *not*
respond to their message AT ALL. I know, this goes against every fiber of your being but
it’s truly the right move if you’re serious about No Contact.
This goes for any message that doesn’t ask a question. For example: “I just heard that
Kenny got arrested!” or “I finally saw Jurassic Park. You were right, it’s great!”
Anything like that doesn’t really require a response. Your ex might not like it, but
they’re going to understand why you want space right now without you having to spell
it out for them.
The same goes for messages about how sad and lonely they are and how much they miss you.
This also goes for generic questions.
For example, let’s say your ex texts you “what’s up?” or “how are you doing?”
Now, because this is a direct question, you may feel like you have to respond to them.
But the truth is, you can normally safely ignore a message like this during No Contact.
This is essentially a “nothing” message and so if you were to actually forget about
it and not respond at all, your ex wouldn't be shocked or offended.
This will give your ex the sense that you’re busy living your life and don’t have time
to be entertaining them. You might even be moving on…
It will also tell them that, if they want your attention, they’re going to have to
do better than that.
But there is a caveat here. If you don’t respond and they keep following up because
they’re upset or worried about you, then you may need to respond, simply to let them
know that you’re okay. Just gently let them know that you need space because you’re
trying to move on, even though that’s not really true. This is just to solidify No Contact
and prevent them from using you as a shoulder to cry on. If you want to know WHY this is
important, check out the No Contact video in the description below.
So, as you can tell, the message your ex sends you really determines whether or not you should
respond to them during No Contact. Whatever the message, your goal during this time should
be to end the conversation and resume No Contact as quickly as possible.
One situation where you do have to respond to your ex is if there’s pressing business
that needs your input. For example, maybe your ex needs you to send them money for the
electric bill, or they need to pick up their stuff from your house, or they need you to
pick up the kids from school. Whatever the case, messages like this do require a response.
Don’t respond to these within seconds either, but don’t take too long. Simply act normal,
give them the information they need and make arrangements to settle this business as quickly
and as smoothly as possible.
Again, don’t get drawn into more conversation and don’t use it as an opportunity to talk
to your ex about anything outside of the business at hand.
But what about messages from your ex that aren’t about pressing business but also
aren’t “nothing” messages?
For example, maybe they’re asking you something very personal about your life and you know
that this isn’t just a throwaway text.
In a situation like this, you may need to respond to their message with something short
and sweet. Basically, you want to send them a message that isn’t going to invite any
further conversation. If they ask you a direct question, make sure that your answer doesn’t
go into details and don’t ask them any questions to follow up. Combine this with waiting a
few hours or even a full day before responding and this is going to send the message that
you’re not really interested in talking to them right now. You’re trying to maintain
No Contact so if you show them you want space, that’s a good thing.
You aren’t going to scare them away for good with a message like this but you are
going to set a boundary and show them that you have self respect.
Then, of course, there are life and death situations where you must respond to your
ex like if they’re telling you they’re in the hospital or they’re threatening to
hurt themselves but these are obviously pretty rare.
If you’re having trouble telling the difference between a text you should respond to and one
you shouldn’t, I can help you directly here. Go to BreakupBrad.com/coaching after this
video is over. I can work with you one on one to sort out how and when to respond to
your ex’s messages and create a plan to help get them back. Again, that’s BreakupBrad.com/Coaching
So really, the takeaway here is to err on the side of NOT responding to your ex’s
messages during No Contact. There are situations where you should respond but be sure to consider
the message carefully and take your time to avoid making a mistake. When you do respond,
keep it short and sweet and don’t keep the conversation going. If they press you, explain
to them that you need space and you’re trying to move on.
That just about does it for this video. Please like, subscribe and leave a comment so that
I know you’re out there. Thanks for watching and I’ll see you next time.