Welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys this weekend was Easter, Passover, and Ramadan.
It's what's known in the religious community
as a Holy Turducken.
I do love Easter Sunday, though.
It's the day parents give their kids a basket of candy
then tell them to sit quietly at church.
It's just very interesting.
Speaking of Easter, today the Bidens hosted
the first White House Easter Egg Roll
since the pandemic began,
and it was a huge event with 30,000 people in attendance.
Yep, after two minutes of rolling eggs across the lawn,
the kids were like, "Wow, I actually miss Zoom."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I was thrilled to be invited
and attend this year's Easter Egg Roll.
I did. I was there.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Today. This morning.
I told President Biden it was an honor
and a privilege to be there.
And he said, "Uh, Jimmy, we invited 30,000 people."
[ Laughter ]
But I did actually get to go to the White House today.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When they said, "The President wants to see you,"
I thought, "Damn, how bad did I screw up my taxes?"
But I had an absolute blast.
Plus, good news -- during the egg hunt,
I found Trump's missing call logs from January 6th.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I found them.
[ Applause ]
I really did have the best time.
Do we have a photo of me with the President?
Yeah, unbelievable. It was great.
Actually, I read my book "Nana Loves You More"
to all the kids.
Yeah, and -- [ cheers and applause ]
With the President and the First Lady right next to me.
This is a real photo. This is from this morning. Yeah.
[ Audience awws ] Yeah.
While I was reading to the kids, the First Lady was so sweet.
She was like, "Sound it out, Jimmy. You can do it."
Meanwhile, I saw that, for Easter,
a photo of some knockoff dollar-store Peeps went viral.
So it's dollar-store Peeps.
Take a look at these things, this photo.
Wow. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-Looks like Peeps that appeared in an episode of "Botched."
[ Laughter ]
Looks like "The Real Housewives of Marshmallowy Hills."
Let's switch gears.
As you hopefully already know, today is tax day.
That's right. It's tax day. Did you know that?
[ Scattered reaction ]
Alright. It was kind of a non-reaction, though.
Like, "Yeah, uh, okay."
Yeah, it is tax day, it's a pandemic, it's spring.
So you can get taxed, vaxed, and waxed.
[ Laughter ]
You can tell it's tax day 'cause right now
every billionaire is laying low in space.
[ Laughter ]
Well, ahead of today's tax deadline,
the White House released the Bidens' tax return,
and together they earned over $600,000.
Making Joe Biden
the Jeff Bezos of Wilmington, Delaware.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the President made money from his salary, his book sales,
and his upcoming cameo in "Magic Mike 3."
Well, according to their tax return,
the Bidens did not receive a refund this year.
When he saw, even Biden was like, "Friggin' Biden."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"Unbelievable."
Well, this is cool -- the FDA just authorized
the first-ever COVID breath test.
And it's more than 90% effective.
Check out what this breathalyzer looks like.
This is real. Yeah.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-It's amazing.
The guy combined luggage with a Capri Sun.
Ah, it's amazing.
Now there's nasal swabs and breathalyzers,
which means pretty soon you'll see two lines at CVS,
one that says, "Up Yours," the other one says, "Blow Me."
-Hey! Whoa!
♪♪
Whoa. Whoa!
[ Applause ]
Whoa!
-Well, here in New York, today former mayor
Michael Bloomberg spoke at City Hall,
and people were saying that his mask
seemed too tight for his face.
Look at this.
-But, seriously, I was glad to have the chance
to welcome back each of my predecessors to City Hall,
and I'm glad that you're carrying on that tradition.
-You can see his lips.
[ Laughter ]
He spoke for about 10 more seconds then passed out.
Can we see that again? Yeah.
It's, like, in his mouth.
[ Mumbling ]
Who makes his mask? Lululemon makes his mask.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, boy.
-You know that under that mask,
he looked like a dollar-store Peep.
Yeah...
[ Muffled shouting ]
[ Applause ]
Well, guys, right now it is time
for our latest installment of "Tonight Show Polls."
Here. Check these out.
-♪ "Tonight Show" Polls ♪
[ Applause ]
-This first poll asked...
[ Applause ]
This next poll asked...
[ Laughter ]
"Sure."
This next poll asked...
[ Applause ]
And, finally, this last one asked...
That's all the time we have for "Tonight Show Polls."
We have a great show tonight.