WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA, I
TUNED IN TO "60 MINUTES" LAST NIGHT TO SEE THE BIG STORY THAT
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT -- THE PROFILE OF GREEK N.B.A.
SUPERSTAR GIANNIS ANTEOKOUNMPO.
HAPPY SAGANAKI TO THE GREEK COMMUNITY.
BUT BEFORE THAT, "60 MINUTES" AIRED ANDERSON COOPER'S
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS, WHICH DREW
THE HIGHEST RATINGS FOR "60 MINUTES" IN TEN YEARS.
THEY HAVEN'T HAD NUMBERS LIKE THAT SINCE MIKE WALLACE WENT
UNDERCOVER AS A POLE DANCER.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT MEANS SUPERSTORM SANDY GOT
HIGHER RATINGS THAN DONALD TRUMP DID RIGHT AFTER HE WAS ELECTED
PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
THAT'S GOTTA STING.
THE INTERVIEW COVERED EVERYTHING -- THE PRESIDENT HAD
SEX WITH A PORN STAR, SHE SPANKED HIM WITH A MAGAZINE WITH
HIS FACE ON IT, HE DIDN'T WEAR A CONDOM, LATER THEY WATCHED SHARK
WEEK, AND THEN HIS LAWYER PAID HER TO KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT, AND
NOW TRUMP'S SUING THIS PORN STAR FOR $20 MILLION.
IT'S AN INSANE, SALACIOUS TALE ABOUT A SITTING PRESIDENT AND
THE LEAST SURPRISING STORY I'VE EVER HEARD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT ALL FELT REAL.
IT ALL FELT TRUE.
THAT FELT TRUER THAN HIM GETTING ELECTED.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, MS. DANIELS FLESHED
OUT THE STORY A BIT, WITH A DISTURBING AMOUNT OF FLESH.
>> HE WAS SHOWING YOU HIS OWN PICTURE ON THE COVER OF A
MAGAZINE.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND I WAS LIKE, "SOMEONE SHOULD TAKE THAT MAGAZINE AND SPANK YOU
WITH IT."
AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, "GIVE ME THAT," AND I JUST REMEMBER
HIM GOING, "YOU WOULDN'T."
"HAND IT OVER."
AND-- SO HE DID, AND I WAS LIKE, "TURN AROUND, DROP 'EM."
SO HE TURNED AROUND AND PULLED HIS PANTS DOWN A LITTLE-- YOU
KNOW HAD UNDERWEAR ON AND STUFF AND-- I JUST GAVE HIM A COUPLE
SWATS.
AND-- FROM THAT MOMENT ON, HE WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
PERSON.
>> HOW SO?
>> HE QUIT TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF AND HE ASKED ME THINGS
AND I ASKED HIM THINGS AND IT JUST BECAME, LIKE, MORE
APPROPRIATE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HMM.
HMM.
A COUPLE OF SPANKS, AND DONALD TRUMP STARTED ACTING MORE
APPROPRIATE.
( LAUGHTER ) JOHN KELLY, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S FOR YOUR COUNTRY.
STORMY ALSO DESCRIBED HOW TRUMP COMPARED HER TO THE NUMBER ONE
WOMAN IN HIS LIFE.
>> HE WAS LIKE, "WOW, YOU-- YOU ARE SPECIAL.
YOU REMIND ME OF MY DAUGHTER."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WOW, THAT'S AWKWARD.
NOT AS AWKWARD AS WHEN HE SAID TO IVANKA, "HONEY, YOU REMIND
ME OF THIS PORN STAR I HAD SEX WITH."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN WE GOT TO THE BIG
EVENT.
>> I EXCUSED MYSELF AND I WENT TO THE-- THE RESTROOM.
YOU KNOW, I WAS IN THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT AND CAME OUT, AND HE
WAS SITTING, YOU KNOW, ON THE EDGE OF THE BED WHEN I WALKED
OUT, PERCHED.
I REALIZED EXACTLY WHAT I'D GOTTEN MYSELF INTO.
AND I WAS LIKE, "UGH, HERE WE GO.
>> STEPHEN: "UGH, HERE WE GO."
COINCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS THE OFFICIAL THEME OF TRUMP'S
INAUGURAL BALL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: UGH, HERE WE GO.
JUST STRAP IN.
( LAUGHTER ) YEARS LATER, STORMY SOLD HER
STORY TO "IN TOUCH" MAGAZINE.
TRUMP FOUND OUT, GOT THE STORY KILLED, AND THEN THIS
HAPPENED -- >> I WAS IN A PARKING LOT, GOING
TO A FITNESS CLASS WITH MY INFANT DAUGHTER, TAKING, YOU
KNOW, THE SEATS FACING BACKWARDS IN THE BACKSEAT, DIAPER BAG, YOU
KNOW, GETTING ALL THE STUFF OUT.
AND A GUY WALKED UP ON ME AND SAID TO ME, "LEAVE TRUMP ALONE.
FORGET THE STORY."
AND THEN HE LEANED AROUND AND LOOKED AT MY DAUGHTER AND SAID,
"THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.
IT'D BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER MOM."
AND THEN HE WAS GONE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I MEAN, THA THAT GUY SHOULD GO T JAIL FOR LIFE.
NOT JUST FOR THE THREAT, BUT FOR THAT HACKNEYED MOBSTER DIALOGUE.
"HEY, NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE, BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED
TO IT.
TAKE THE GUN, LEAVE THE CANNOLI.
WHAT AM I, A CLOWN?
GET YOUR SHINE BOX!
IT'S-A ME, MARIO!
WHEN YOU'RE HERE YOU'RE FAMILY!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL OF THOSE.
>> Jon: I DON'T SHINE SHOES ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: AND THIS MORNING, MS. DANIELS'
LAWYER TOLD US, "WAIT, THERE'S MORE."
>> WHAT I WILL SAY IS, THAT SHE WAS PREPARED TO DISCUSS INTIMATE
DETAILS RELATING TO MR. TRUMP.
SHE CAN DESCRIBE HIS GENITALIA.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: SO CAN I.
I CAN DESCRIBE ALL MEN'S GENITALIA.
NOT PRETTY.
A DE-BONED NAKED MOLE RAT?
A LUMP OF PLAY-DOH THAT ROLLED UNDER THE COUCH AND PICKED UP
SOME LINT?
ONE OF THOSE WEIRDLY PALE GERMAN SAUSAGES?
I BELIEVE THEY'RE CALLED, "DAS ITSY-BITSY KLEINESCHWANZE?"