-Thank you! Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys. Thank you, thank you.
I appreciate that. I'm happy to be here.
I just celebrated my 29th birthday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm 29. I got no kids.
My family thinks right now is the perfect time
to start thinking about having a kid.
'Cause I come from a very traditional family.
Like, my grandparents?
They just celebrated 59 years of being together.
[ Cheers and applause ]
59 years together.
And they're Hispanic, so... [ Laughter ]
...they're thinking about getting married.
[ Laughter ]
My grandmother might be the one. You know?
[ Laughter ]
When you 29, no kids, and you come from a Hispanic family,
your family's gonna want to talk about it.
But sometimes, I don't like talking to them,
'cause I feel they haven't updated their dating mentality.
Like, the other day, my uncle came up to me to give me advice.
He was like, "Listen, the first thing you need
to understand about women is that women,
they just want to hang out with guys with money."
I was like, "Wow. How could you say that about women?
I mean, it is 2019."
We all want to hang out with guys with money.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And I was trying to explain modern dating to my mom.
You ever tried to explain how modern dating works
to your parents?
They've been out the game for so long,
they don't even understand how it's supposed to go.
My mom got upset with me the other day.
She was like, "Ian, I don't understand
why you can't just go out and meet somebody.
Like, you're always out.
Just meet somebody when you're out."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "Are you crazy?"
[ Laughter ]
"I can't just walk around meeting people."
[ Laughter ]
"It's 2019. You got to meet online."
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if we're ready to admit this,
but in today's world, meeting online
is the appropriate way to meet another human being.
In fact, whenever I talk to a guy today
that tells me he met his girlfriend in person,
I always think the guy's kind of a pervert.
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "Hold up. So you was just
going up to women and speaking to them?
That's disgusting.
You need to be on some type of list."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
"I don't know who raised you, but we don't speak to women.
You find them on Instagram and send them a message
like a real man." [ Laughter ]
I think in a couple years, we're gonna see that
on an episode of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit."
[ Laughter ]
Just a man walking up to women,
saying, "Good morning," and walking away.
[ Laughter ]
Detective Benson gonna be like,
"We gotta get this pervert off the streets."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And I joke about it, but to be honest,
it's one of my biggest fears. I worry that millennials,
we never gonna have that long-lasting love
that our grandparents and our parents got to have.
'Cause we picky. We put a lot of pressure on our partners.
I read an article the other day that said that the number-one
turn-off for women right now is men with bad grammar.
Which goes to show you
how much more sophisticated women are than men.
[ Laughter ]
The fact that you wouldn't sleep with a guy
'cause he has bad grammar. [ Laughter ]
That'd be like a guy not having sex with a girl
because she has... um...
[ Laughter ]
I can't even think of a real reason
not to sleep with somebody. [ Cheers and applause ]
And listen, it's not just women doing it.
Men, we do it, too.
Y'all know we put a lot of pressure on our partners.
You know, I was talking to my boy the other day.
I don't think he'll ever settle down.
This what he was telling me. He was like,
"Ian, I'm gonna settle down.
I'm just looking for a girl that's gonna ride or die for me.
You know? Like, I don't ask for much."
[ Laughter ]
My woman needs to be ready to die for me."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "For what?
You work at the Home Depot.
[ Laughter ]
Why would she need to die for you?"
Plus, guys, listen, I don't know if you ever had a chance
to date the crazy ride or die girl,
but I'll be honest with you, don't do it.
[ Laughter ]
I'm serious. I've dated a girl like that.
She was crazy. She was always ready to fight.
No matter what, she was down to fight.
I remember one time, we was in her car.
She was driving. I was in the passenger seat.
And she cut some guy off in traffic.
But then, we got stuck at the red light,
so the guy she cut off, he ended up catching up to us.
He pulled up next to her, started yelling at her
from his car window.
This girl looks at me and goes, "Give me one second."
She gets out of the car and kicks the dude's
side-view mirror straight off of his car,
and then, she just hopped back in our car
like nothing happened. [ Laughter ]
She's like, "So, anyways, what was you saying?"
I was like, "I wasn't saying anything at all."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Like, "I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was on a date with John Wick."
[ Laughter ]
"You didn't mention that on your profile, you know?"
It was the first time I actually got to feel
what women feel when you go on these random dates.
Like, ladies, I get it now.
[ Laughter ]
I was so nervous, I was texting all of my boys,
like, "If anything happens to me,
I'm with Jessica. Make sure you look for Jessica.
She's crazy." [ Cheers and applause ]
I'm Ian Lara. You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much!
♪♪
-That's the way to do it, buddy. So good.
Ian Lara!
For more info, go to ianlaralive.com.