WELCOME, EVERYBODY!
NICE TO SEE YOU!
HAVE YOU WATCHED HER SHOWS?
SHE PLAYS CATHERINE THE GREAT!
IF YOU COULD PORTRAY ANY FAMOUS HISTORICAL FIGURE, WHO WOULD IT
BE?
>> Reggie: MAYBE LIKE A BROWED-OUT JESUS.
>> James: WASN'T JESUS ALREADY PRETTY BROED OUT?
THE GUY WAS SUPER CHILL.
>> TURNED STUFF INTO WINE.
>> James: PEOPLE ARE FREAKING OUT WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FOOD.
HE'S LIKE "GUYS!
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
WHAT DO WE GOT?
FIVE LOAVES AND THREE FISHES!" >> WAKEBOARDING AND WALKING ON
WATER!
>> James: THE WHOLE THING.
HE WAS SUPER CHILL.
HE ALWAYS HAD HIS BROS WITH HIM.
>> YES!
>> James: ARGUABLY, THE DISCIPLES WERE THE ORIGINAL
BROS.
KIND OF LIKE ENTOURAGE BUT ABOUT JESUS AND HIS FRIENDS.
BORN IN A BARN.
>> YEAH.
>> James: YOU KNOW.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE BORN?
THREE KINGS TURNED OUT.
THEY WERE FOLLOWING A STAR.
THE WHOLE THING IS -- HE IS ARGUABLY THE ORIGINAL CHILL BRO!
>> THE ORIGINAL BRO, DUDE.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW JESUS KNEW THREE KINGS.
HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT.
>> James: HE HAD THE BEARD.
HE HAD THE HAIR.
>> YEAH, DUDE.
>> James: I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO KILL YOU.
I'LL COME BACK!
HA-HA.
WHO WOULD YOU PLAY, REG?
>> Reggie: OBVIOUSLY I LOOK VERY CLOSE TO HIM NIKOLAI TESLA.
>> James: I COULD SEE YOU DOING THAT.
>> Reggie: LOVE IT.
>> James: STILL HOLDING OUT FOR THE OLD HENRY VIII THING.
I GOT TO BE UP THERE AT SOME POINT WHEN THAT COMES AROUND.
>> THAT'D BE GREAT.
PUT YOU IN SOME TIGHTS!
>> PINK.
>> James: I GOT THE BEARD AND THE FACE FOR IT.
>> WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE CALLED, HEY, WHEN YOU SEE THE
GIG, 40 POUNDS -- >> James: OH, THAT'S THE
DREAM.
THAT IS THE DREAM!
[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN DO THAT!
I GET TO TALK LIKE THIS ALL DAY LONG.
IT'S THAT TIME!
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS.
AFTER A JUDGE STRUCK DOWN THE FEDERAL MASK MANDATE FOR TRAVEL
YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, THE FOUR LARGEST AIRLINES IN THE UNITED
STATES IMMEDIATELY DROPPED THEIR MASK REQUIREMENTS FOR DOMESTIC
FLIGHTS.
BUT IN HERE FOR SOME REASON, YOU STILL HAVE TO WEAR THEM.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS, ROB?
>> THEY'RE GOING TO ADDRESS ON APRIL 30TH?
>> James: THEY'RE ONLY GOING TO READDRESS IT.
IF THEY DON'T, HE WILL START A REVOLT.
YOU'LL SEE ANOTHER SIDE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THE OTHER SIDE OF DAVE OTHER THAN HIS JOLLY,
BEAUTIFUL, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY GUY.
IF THEY DON'T DROP T WHAT WILL YOU DO, DAVE -- DROP IT, WHAT
WILL YOU DO, DAVE?
>> I'M ON THE EDGE!
I'M SICK.
I'M SICK OF THIS.
I'M SICK OF MY GLASSES FOGGING UP EVERY TIME I SPEAK TO YOU ON
THE SHOW.
I LOOK RIDICULOUS.
>> James: YEAH.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FACE.
I HATED BEING COVERED UP WITH THAT MASK.
I HATE IT!
SOME PEOPLE I'M HAPPY IT'S THERE, BUT FOR DAVE --
[LAUGHTER] BUT NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
MEANS?
AIRLINE PASSENGERS COULD GO BACK TO THEIR OTHER BIG HEALTH
CONCERN ON AIRPLANES -- WHY IS MY ARM REST SO STICKY?
WHAT IS THAT?
AIRLINES IMMEDIATELY DROPPED THEIR MASK REQUIREMENTS.
WHICH MEANS A FLIGHT ATTENDANT SOMEWHERE HAD TO TAKE THE DUCT
TAPE OFF A PASSENGER AND BE LIKE, "SO, WE COOL?"
YOU CAN STILL WEAR A MASK IF YOU WANT TO.
FOR EXAMPLE, SPIRIT AIRLINES ADDED MASKS TO THE LIST OF
THINGS THAT ARE OPTIONAL ON THEIR FLIGHTS - JOINING SHIRTS,
SHOES, AND GETTING YOU TO YOUR PROPER DESTINATION.
[APPLAUSE] SOME AIRLINE PASSENGERS FOUND
OUT THAT THE MASK MANDATE HAD BEEN DROPPED MID-FLIGHT.
HERE'S ONE FLIGHT ATTENDANT, WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WITH A
TRASH BAG, TELLING PEOPLE THEY DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THEIR MASKS
ANYMORE, [SINGING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THEY'VE ALL JUST TESTED POSITIVE
FOR COVID.
BREATHE DEEP EVERYONE, NO MORE MASKS ON PLANES BUT IF YOUR SEAT
IS EVEN ONE INCH RECLINED WHEN WE LAND YOU ABSOLUTELY,
UNEQUIVOCALLY WILL DIE.
[LAUGHTER] DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THEY DO
THAT?
YOU'RE LIKE THERE AND THEY GO, CAN YOU PUT IT UP?
AND YOU'RE LIKE.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, A LITTLE MORE.
NOW IT'S SAFE?
GREAT!
MOVING ON, FRENCH PRESIDENT EMMANUEL MACRON IS FACING A
TIGHT RACE FOR REELECTION.
WELL, IN A BID TO ATTRACT SOME YOUNGER VOTERS, HE RELEASED SOME
INFORMAL, BEHIND THE SCENES PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIMSELF,
INCLUDING THIS ONE: LOOK AT THE HAIR ON THAT CHEST.
THE HAIR!
IMAGINE TRYING TO PICK A BUNCH OF CAKE CRUMBS OUT OF THA
>> WHY CAKE?
>> James: THAT'S THE SORT OF CRUMBS YOU DON'T WANT IN THERE.
IF IT'S A CRACKER, YOU MAY WANT IT BUT CAKE COULD FIND ITS WAY
IN THERE.
>> IT GETS IN THERE.
I GOT LIKE AMPLE TACO MEAT AND IT'S HARD TO GET --
[LAUGHTER] IT'S LIKE -- NOT TACO.
I DON'T HAVE TACO MEAT IN MY CHEST HAIR.
I HAVE TACO MEAT.
>> James: LET'S BE CLEAR.
THIS IS A TWO-FRONT SCENARIO.
BOTH ARE TRUE.
>> SOME PEOPLE THINK OF IT AS A BUG.
I THINK OF IT AS A PATRON.
>> James: A PHENOMENAL SNACK WHEN YOU FIND IT LATER!
HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF FRANCE,
DOES HE?
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S TELLING A COUPLE OF MATES, "I ACTUAL
THINKLY THINK THE DIVORCE IS FOR BOTH OF US.
I DO.
I'M HAPPIER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NEW PLACE?"
AND ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, SCOTTISH PEOPLE HAVE BEEN VOTED
THE WORLD'S BEST LOVERS.
IT'S TRUE, WHEN ASKED TO RATE HOLIDAY FLINGS IN OTHER
COUNTRIES, PEOPLE RATED SCOTS THE HIGHEST, ITALIANS CAME
SECOND, FOLLOWED BY THE FRENCH.
THE ENGLISH WERE VOTED FOURTH, AND THAT'S VERY NICE, BUT,
NO.
WE'RE NOT.
THEY OBVIOUSLY KNOW HOW TO BLOW MORE THAN JUST A BAGPIPE!
THIS MAKES SENSE, THOUGH.
SCOTTISH PEOPLE NEED TO BE GOOD LOVERS BECAUSE EVERY TIME THEY
HAVE SEX IT SOUNDS LIKE SHREK FALLING DOWN A STAIRCASE.
OOH, AHH, OOH, AHH.
ALSO, WHO ISN'T AROUSED BY THE SOUND OF SOMEONE COMING AT THEM,
BLARING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] "DYA FACY COMING UP TO MA PLACE
FOR A WEE BIT 'O RUMPY PUMPY?'" EH?
AMERICA CAME IN SIXTH.
>> AS LONG AS WE'RE COMING IN, I DON'T CARE.
>> WOULD YOU AGREE WITH THIS, REG?
>> Reggie: I'VE NOT BEEN WITH A SCOTTISH PERSON AS A LOVER,
BUT I GET IT.
I GET IT, BECAUSE WHEN THE SCOTTISH ACCENT IS SAID IN A
SOFT TONALITY, IT'S GOT A LOT OF -- IT DOES SOMETHING TO YOU.
IT'S NICE.
>> James: OH YEAH.
[SPEAKING SOFTLY] I USED TO WORK AT THIS MINI
SUPERMARKET.
THE GUY GOES, DO YOU WANT SOMETHING?
I GO, YEAH.
I SAID, NO, I HAVE TAP DANCING REHEARSALS.
I'M AFRAID.
HE GOES [BLEEP], DO THAT.
DON'T DO IT.
I WAS AROUSED BUT -- [LAUGHTER]
MOVING ON, THE LONGEST GLASS BRIDGE IN THE WORLD IS SET TO
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC SOON, IN VIETNAM.
IT'S OVER TWO-THOUSAND FEET LONG.
TAKE A LOOK, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT LOOKS TERRIFYING.
IT'S MORE THAN 500 FEET ABOVE THE GROUND.
YOU CAN SEE WHY TIME OUT MAGAZINE JUST NAMED THE BRIDGE
ONE OF ITS TOP THREE INTERNATIONAL DESTINATIONS TO
[BLEEP] YOUR PANTS.
[LAUGHTER] SCOTLAND WAS FIRST IN THAT ONE.
IT HOLDS THE RECORD FOR THE WORLD'S LONGEST GLASS BRIDGE.
AND UNLESS IT ALSO HOLDS THE RECORD FOR THE WORLD'S THICKEST
GLASS, NO.
NO, THANK YOU.
BUT IT'S ALL VERY EXCITING.
THE BRIDGE IS SET TO OPEN APRIL 13.
AND IT'S SET TO CLOSE AGAIN MAY 1ST, FOLLOWING A MAJOR
CATASTROPHE.
WOULD YOU WALK THAT BRIDGE?
>> NOPE.
NEVER.
>> James: YOU WOULDN'T DO IT?
>> IF THERE WAS A GREAT SANDWICH ON THE OTHER END, I PROBABLY
WOULD.
>> James: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
I WOULD ONLY WALK THAT BRIDGE FOR A PHENOMENAL SANDWICH.
>> IF ON THE OTHER SIDE THEY'RE LIKE, THEY DO THIS SUN TOMATO
AOLI AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS -- >> James: THERE'S A LOVELY
SALAMI, MOZZARELLA, BASIL AND I'D BE LIKE RUN!
AND FINALLY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
A RESTAURANT IN THE U.K. HAS JUST INTRODUCED AN ADDITIONAL
MENU TO THEIR LINEUP, DESIGNED ESPECIALLY FOR DOGS.
THE RESTAURANT OFFERS A CHOICE OF SEVEN DISHES FOR DOGS DINING
WITH THEIR OWNERS.
IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO TAKE YOUR DOG IF YOU'RE TRYING TO
GIVE OFF THE VIBE THAT YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
[LAUGHTER] IF YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE SOMEONE
WHO WANTS TO [BLEEP] A DOG.
I CAN'T THINK WHY ELSE YOU WOULD TAKE A DOG TO A RESTAURANT.
>> IT'S MORE ABOUT PUTTING THE VIBE OUT THAN DOING IT.
>> James: YEAH.
YEAH.
I'M NOT SAYING THEY'RE DOING IT.
THEY JUST WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.
>> THERE'S SOME HOT DOGS.
>> James: THE MENU HAS BEEN SPECIALLY CURATED FOR DOGS.
IT INCLUDES THINGS LIKE CHICKEN, LAMB, AND OF COURSE, STRANGER'S
CROTCH, RAGU WITH A BATHROOM TRASH DEMI-GLAZE.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS.