WELCOME.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG STORY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- FOR THOSE OF YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO THE WORLD OUTSIDE,
THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE GEO POLITICAL INTRIGUE.
RUSSIA AMASSED 150,000 TROOPS ON THE UKRAINE BORDER BUT BOONT
SAID THEY'RE NOT INVADING, SO IT'S A REAL CASE OF THEY WILL OR
THEY DEFINITELY WILL.
LAST NIGHT U.S. INTELLIGENCE ANNOUNCED INSTEAD OF RUSSIA
PULLING BACK LIKE THEY CLAIMED, RUSSIA HAS ADDED 7,000 TROOPS
ALONG UKRAINE'S BORDER.
OH, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA. MY --
THIS REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "LORD OF THE RINGS:"
>> WE'RE ACTUALLY RETREATING!
>> GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!
>> STEPHEN: SOME PEOPLE "ARE" TRYING TO DE-ESCALATE
TENSIONS.
FOR EXAMPLE, IN NEIGHBORING MOLDOVA, A PILOT OF A PASSENGER
PLANE AT UKRAINE'S BORDER USED HIS FLIGHT PATH TO DRAW THE
WORD "RELAX."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A NICE SENTIMENT, BUT I
PREFER MY PILOTS TO BE A LITTLE NOT-RELAXED.
(AS PILOT) "THIS IS YOUR PILOT SPEAKING,
WE'VE LOST BOTH ENGINES, BUT I'M CHILLIN' UP HERE IN THE
COCKPIT.
I'VE TURNED OFF THE FASTEN SEATBELT SIGN BECAUSE IT WAS
HARSHING MY MELLOW.
WE'LL HAVE YOU ON THE GROUND IN JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS, WAVE
HELLO TO THE FIRE TRUCKS AS WE SKID FLAMING BY THEM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SPEAKING OF INTERNATIONAL CONFLICT: THE OLYMPICS.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT AFTER THE RUSSIANS WON GOLD IN TEAM
FIGURE SKATING LAST WEEK, IT WAS REVEALED THAT ONE OF THEIR
TOP COMPETITORS HAD FAILED A DRUG TEST BEFORE THE GAMES
BEGAN.
WHILE THAT CASE IS BEING APPEALED, NONE OF THE TEAMS ARE
GETTING THEIR MEDALS, INCLUDING THE AMERICANS WHO FINISHED
SECOND.
AS A CONSOLATION GIFT TEAM U.S.A. WILL REPORTEDLY
RECEIVE OLYMPIC TORCHES.
YES, THAT'S THE SMART PEOPLE DO WHEN YOU'VE REALLY PISSED SOME
PEOPLE OFF.
HAND THEM A TORCH.
EVIDENTLY, THEY WERE OUT OF OLYMPIC PITCHFORKS.
A HAPPIER MOMENT WAS PROVIDED BY THE CAPTAIN OF THE JAPANESE
WOMEN'S CURLING TEAM SATSUKI FUJISAWA.
THE CAMERAS PICKED UP THIS MESSAGE SHE WROTE TO
HERSELF ON HER HAND: "I'M A GOOD CURLER. I HAVE
CONFIDENCE. LET'S HAVE FUN!" ISN'T THAT NICE?
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
>> Jon: VERY SWEET MESSAGE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT MESSAGE
REMINDS ME OF MY OWN HAND-BASED SELF-AFFIRMATION
"I AM GOOD AT MONOLOGUE.
I HAVE CONFIDENCE."
"IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATRE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S JUST A LITTLE SLIDE OUT
FRONT THEY COULD JUST SLIDE ME RIGHT IN.
>> Jon: JUST SLIDE YOU RIGHT IN.
>> Stephen: NORTH OF THE BORDER, A BUNCH OF
CANADIAN TRUCKERS CONTINUE TO PROTEST VACCINE MANDATES.
WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE IN OUR KETCHUP-FLAVORED SEGMENT:
"WHOA, CANADA!" ( HONK HONK )
>> STEPHEN: EARLIER THIS WEEK, CANADA DECLARED A STATE OF
EMERGENCY, BUT TRUCKERS ARE STILL OCCUPYING DOWNTOWN
OTTAWA.
AND OTTAWA RESIDENTS HAVE HAD ENOUGH, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS
VIRAL CLIP OF ONE MAN CONFRONTING THE TRUCKERS:
>> JUST TO BE SURE IT'S CLEAR ( BLEEP ) YOU.
SHUT UP.
SHUT UP AND GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF.
( BLEEP ) YOU AND TAKE YOUR ( BLEEP )ING... I DON'T GIVE A
( BLEEP ).
I DON'T GIVE A ( BLEEP ) ABOUT YOU.
GO THE ( BLEEP ) HOME.
NOBODY ( BLEEP ) CARES ABOUT YOUR BULL( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: KEEP IN MIND -- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> Jon: A LOT OF F-BOMBS.
WHOO!
>> STEPHEN: KEEP IN MIND, HE'S CANADIAN, SO THAT'S THE POLITE
VERSION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AS WITH ANYTHING THAT PISSES
PEOPLE OFF, AMERICAN CONSERVATIVES ARE ALL FOR IT.
SPECIFICALLY, MYPILLOW C.E.O.
MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE CALLING 911 TO REPORT A HORSE THAT'S
BEEN STARING AT HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) LINDELL HAS A PLAN TO SUPPORT
THE CANADIAN TRUCKERS, AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT IT IS.
SEND THEM A BUNCH OF MYPILLOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) OK, YOU GUESSED.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING.
STEVE, WILL THERE BE ENOUGH MYPILLOWS TO GO AROUND?
YES, GAIL.
BECAUSE LINDELL LOADED UP A TRUCK WITH 10,000 PILLOWS.
ALMOST AS MANY AS ON THE BED IN YOUR GREAT AUNT'S GUEST ROOM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THOSE SHAMS ARE NOT FOR
SLEEPING!
THESE PROTESTORS ARE CAMPED OUT IN THE COLD.
THEY NEED FOOD AND FUEL, NOT 10,000 PILLOWS.
IN THE WORDS OF ONE GREAT CANADIAN:
( IRONIC BY ALANIS MORISSETTE ) >> ALANIS: IT'S LIKE 10,000
>> (MALE VOICE DUB) MY PILLOWS >> ALANIS: WHEN ALL YOU NEED IS
A KNIFE, IT'S LIKE MEETING THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, AND THEN
MEETING HIS BEAUTIFUL >> (MALE VOICE DUB) PILLOW.
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL SONG.
BEAUTIFUL SONG.
IT'S NOT JUST PILLOWS FOR HARD-PROTESTIN' GROWNUPS.
THERE'S ALSO SOME FOR THE KIDS.
>> WE SENT A WHOLE TRUCKLOAD OF THESE - ABOUT I DON'T KNOW, A
THOUSAND OF THESE >> OHH, I LOVE!
>> THESE ARE BIBLE PILLOWS FOR THE KIDS UP THERE. WE GOT
NOAH'S ARK AND STUFF.
>> STEPHEN: YES, NOAH'S ARK ON A PILLOW. PERFECT FOR
GETTING YOUR LITTLE ONES TO SLEEP.
(AS PARENT) "BEDTIME, HONEY.
REMEMBER, GOD WILL DROWN "YOU" FOR "MY" SINS, AND SPARE ONLY
THE HORNIEST LIVESTOCK.
G'NIGHT!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUE STORY.
BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
SO, LINDELL LOADED UP HIS PILLOW CONVOY AND HEADED FOR THE
BORDER, WHERE HE WAS IMMEDIATELY TURNED BACK BECAUSE
HE WAS NOT FULLY VACCINATED AND DID NOT HAVE A NEGATIVE P.C.R.
TEST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COME ON, MAN!
COME ON!
>> Stephen: HE COULDN'T SUPPORT THE VAX
MANDATE PROTESTORS BECAUSE HE WASN'T FULLY VAXXED.
HOW CAN YOU DESCRIBE THAT?
( IRONIC BY ALANIS MORISSETTE ) >> ALANIS: ISN'T IT IRONIC,
DON'T YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, DR. MORISSETTE.
BUT LINDELL'S GOT A BACKUP PLAN TO SMUGGLE IN MUCH-NEEDED
PILLOWS: HE'S GOING TO DROP THEM FROM THE SKY VIA HELICOPTER.
OK, SO THE CANADIAN BORDER GUARDS ARE STOPPING HIM FROM
DRIVING INTO THE COUNTRY.
SO HE'S PLAYING IT SAFE BY USING A HELICOPTER TO VIOLATE THEIR
AIRSPACE.
GOOD THING HE'S GOT THOSE 10,000 PILLOWS.
THEY CAN CUSHION THE FALL WHEN THE CANADIAN AIRFORCE SHOOTS HIM
DOWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF, THEY HAVE AN
AIR FORCE, RIGHT?
THEY JUST STRAP A PISTOL TO A GOOSE.
SPEAKING OF CRASHES, THERE'S NEWS FROM THE HIGH-FLYING,
LOW-TRANSPARENCY WORLD OF DIGITAL INVESTMENTS, AND I'LL
TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEW SEGMENT "TALES FROM THE CRYPTO."
>> "AXE ME TO EXPLAIN BLOCKCHAIN!
HAHAHAHAHA!
I CAN'T."
>> STEPHEN: FIRST UP IN THE CRYPTO CRYPT, J.P. MORGAN CHASE
JUST OPENED A LOUNGE IN THE METAVERSE.
AWESOME.
BECAUSE WHEN I HEARD THAT THERE WAS A VIRTUAL WORLD WHERE YOU
CAN BE ANYONE AND DO ANYTHING, MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS:
"BOY, I HOPE I CAN STILL GO TO THE BANK."
( LAUGHTER ) DO THE D.M.V. NEXT!
THE LOUNGE IS CALLED "ONYX" AND IT'S IN A VIRTUAL VERSION OF
TOKYO'S HARAJUKU SHOPPING DISTRICT, CALLED "META-JUKU."
SO THEY JUST PUT META ON EVERYTHING TO MAKE NEW WORDS.
LET ME TRY!
THAT META-BLOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S IT LIKE INSIDE THE
VIRTUAL SPACE?
WELL, A TIGER WANDERS THE FIRST FLOOR, AND A PICTURE OF THE
BANK'S BOSS JAMIE DIMON HANGS ON THE WALL.
WHOA!
THAT WENT FROM COOL TO LAME AWFUL FAST.
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYING, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I GOT YOU A CAR...
RIDE WITH JAMIE DIMON."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE'S MORE, BECAUSE AFTER
YOU ENTER THE LOUNGE, A WINDING STAIRCASE LEADS TO THE SECOND
FLOOR, WHERE A PERSON'S AVATAR CAN WATCH EXPERTS TALK ABOUT THE
CRYPTO MARKET.
AND HOPEFULLY, ANOTHER WINDING STAIRCASE THAT LEADS TO THE TOP
OF THE BUILDING SO YOUR AVATAR CAN LEAP TO ITS DEATH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT REAL.
>> Jon: IT'S AN AVATAR.
>> Stephen: OUR NEXT STORY CENTERS AROUND
FORMER FIRST LADY AND WOMAN AT THE BOOK CLUB WHO HOPES YOU'RE
JOKING ABOUT READING TA-NEHISI COATES NEXT WEEK,
MELANIA.
RECENTLY, MELANIA HELD AN AUCTION FOR A COLLECTION OF
N.F.T.S ON THE "SOLANA" BLOCKCHAIN.
OF COURSE, THE SOLANA BLOCKCHAIN IS SIMILAR TO THE ETHERIUM
BLOCKCHAIN IN THAT IF YOUR TINDER DATE STARTS TALKING ABOUT
EITHER OF THEM, GET OUT OF THAT APPLEBEES.
LEAVE YOUR COAT.
YOU CAN GET ANOTHER ONE.
THE AUCTION WAS CALLED THE "HEAD OF STATE COLLECTION" AND
INCLUDED A WATERCOLOR OF THE FORMER FIRST LADY WEARING THE
HAT, AND A DIGITAL ARTWORK N.F.T. OF THE WATERCOLOR OF
HER WEARING THE HAT.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS FAMILY AND SCAMMING PEOPLE WITH HATS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, THE MINIMUM BID WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT $250,000,
PAYABLE ONLY IN THE CRYPTOCURRENCY OF THE SOLANA
BLOCKCHAIN.
ONLY PROBLEM, BETWEEN THE TIME THE AUCTION WAS ANNOUNCED AND
THE TIME IT STARTED, THAT TYPE OF CRYPTO PLUMMETED
FROM $170 PER TOKEN TO $95 PER TOKEN.
THAT'S GONNA BE CONFUSING FOR THE AUCTIONEER.
(AUCTIONEER) "I GOT A BID AT 500.
NOW THAT SAME BID FOR 250.
WHOOPS.
NOW IT'S BACK UP TO 375.
CAN I GET A BID IN REAL MONEY?
REAL MONEY... REAL MONEY...
AND "SOLD" TO THE MAN WITH 75 CENTS IN NICKELS!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT DESPITE THE CURRENCY FLUCTUATIONS, MELANIA'S HAT GOT
A BUYER!
AND THE WINNER WAS...
MELANIA!
BECAUSE THE MONEY THAT WON MELANIA'S N.F.T. CAME
FROM MELANIA'S OWN DIGITAL WALLET.
IT WAS HER OWN HAT, HER OWN WATERCOLOR, AND HER OWN N.F.T.,
PAID FOR WITH HER OWN MONEY.
(SINGING) "IT'S THE CIIIIIRCLE OF GRIFT!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE MARGARET
BRENNAN AND ADAM SCOTT.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )