-Hi. In this video I'm going to share
five reasons that a man isn't emotionally investing in you
and what you can do to open his heart.
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-Hi, ladies.
Matt Shaffer here, your empowerment connection
and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life
to supporting you and creating the sort of fun, fulfilling,
dynamic connections and relationships with men that you are so worthy of.
I'm really excited about today's topic.
I'm going to share five of the most common reasons
that men aren't able or willing to emotionally invest in women.
You've probably encountered at least one or more of these
in your own dating and relationships,
so this is going to be a great conversation.
I'm going to give you some great tips that are going to help you shift
the man in your life or the men that you're seeing
to become more vulnerable and connected to you.
I do this with my clients and students all the time,
but before we dive into it, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button and don't forget
to click that link in the comments and caption.
I've created some great training that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
Ladies, be sure to sound off in the comments or throughout this video,
because I want to hear what are the most common things
that you find in the men that you're dating that keep them
from really getting emotionally connected with you,
what are things that I didn't address, what are the common patterns
that you've experienced in your dating and relationships?
Really powerful conversations happen in the comments
and I'd love for you to be part of it.
Here's the situation, you've been dating a guy
for a little while and he is fantastic on paper.
He's attractive, he's charming, you guys get along, and really,
you see the potential for there to be an emotional connection
and emotional possibilities with him,
but as things progress, you see that something's missing.
He's just not opening up to you emotionally.
He's being reserved, distant, maybe a bit aloof,
and really, it just feels like there's a failure to launch
happening on his end of the relationship
and it's got you feeling like you're lost in space.
"Houston, we've got a problem.
This guy is stuck in an emotional black hole
and I don't know what to do about it.
I'm going to need some support. Do you copy?"
I know how frustrating that feels, and how easy it is to blame yourself
when it happens, but the interesting thing is,
it usually has a lot more to do with him and maybe some of the dynamics
between the two of you.
Let's go through five of the most common reasons
that men emotionally check out of a relationship
or never check in to begin with and what you can do in each situation
to give yourself the best chance of creating lasting love
with the man you're with.
The first reason a man won't emotionally invest in you
is if he's not in an emotionally available space in his life.
An important rule to remember here is that men are single focus.
We are really only good at really giving our full focus
to one thing at a time.
A lot of men have created a narrative or a story that in order
to really be able to focus on a woman in a relationship
in a deep emotional way, that we need to have achieved
a certain level of success
in our career or our professional life.
Until we've done that,
we're going to be predominantly focused on that,
and a lot of times we're not going to be fully emotionally available
to really explore deep emotional relationship with women.
The other side of that belief is a fear that men have that if they do get
emotionally invested in someone before they've built their empire,
that it's actually going to distract them and undermine their ability
to achieve that success in their work.
An easy way to recognize if a man is in this space is,
anytime when the conversation starts getting emotional
or you start maybe asking where the relationship is going,
he immediately deflects by talking about his career,
talking about all these responsibilities.
He basically starts rattling off his to-do list for you
or his vision for his life,
that's his indirect way of letting you know
that this is his main priority right now.
What do you do if a man has this belief?
Since a lot of this issue is based in that he has predicated
his worthiness and his value and relationship on his achievement,
the best thing you can do is to acknowledge him
for everything that he's created and for where he's at right now.
This is the perfect way to show him that he's already enough for you
and that he's 100% worthy of being in a great relationship
in the present moment.
Also, emphasize to him through the way that you show up when you're out on dates
that you want to have fun and explore relationship with him
and that you are not looking for a serious long-term commitment
early on in dating.
Remember, men are looking for love and connection to bloom organically
as they get to know a woman,
and few things turn a man off more than feeling like
he's at a baby daddy interview.
"Hi. I'm here on this date
to apply for the position of father of your children.
Let's go ahead and dispense with the small talk
and get down to business.
I'll go ahead and share where I see myself in five years,
what my goals are for my career as well as if I want to have kids,
and if so, how many, and maybe even potentially
what their names would be.
I've also brought my resume here so you can see my past career history
as well as a list of references from ex-girlfriends
as well as family members so you can judge my character.
Sound good?"
Ladies, it's not sexy or fun for guys.
The second reason a man may not be emotionally available
is that he's got unresolved emotional trauma
from his past relationships.
This is a big one that rarely gets addressed,
especially by the men who have experienced it.
While some men like to project that they're not emotional beings
or that they're somehow immune to being hurt,
nothing could be further from the truth.
Many men get deeply hurt in their relationships with women,
and it can look a lot of different ways.
Being verbally abused, being cheated on,
being dumped in an abrupt and hostile manner,
or even being sexually shamed by women that they've been with,
Which can be especially traumatizing to man, because for a lot of men,
touch is a primary love language and one of the fundamental ways
that we express emotion to women.
Because emotional pain and vulnerability is shunned
because it's seen as weakness by most men,
and we have no healthy outlets to process these wounds,
we tend to internalize them and subconsciously create a story
that emotional vulnerability and emotional intimacy equals pain.
"Guess who gets the grand prize for all that unresolved trauma?
Yes, you guessed it, you, his next potential partner."
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How do we recognize if a man has unresolved emotional trauma?
It will often show itself as a sudden trigger,
whenever you accidentally stumble over one of these trauma trip wires,
which will lead to him becoming very reactive or projecting
into you in the situation.
For example, if he's got past trauma around vulnerability
and you share lovingly how you feel about him,
it might lead to him lashing out at you, getting defensive,
or even just shutting down altogether,
or if he's got sexual intimacy trauma,
he might have regular performance issues or not even want sex.
He might have a hard time initiating with you.
What to do if a man has this emotional trauma
from his past relationships?
This brings up another golden rule,
that just as you are craving physical safety from the masculine,
the masculine is craving emotional safety from you.
The biggest thing to do if a man that you're seeing is struggling
with emotional trauma is to do and say whatever it takes to make him feel
emotionally safe around the experience that wounded him.
For example, telling him how good it feels when he's vulnerable and how much you love
hearing what's in his heart no matter what it is.
That unconditional openness will really help him feel safe
in sharing his pain with you, which will help him process it,
and it'll bring you all so much closer together.
The third reason a man isn't emotionally investing in you
is that you aren't speaking each other's love languages.
You've probably heard me and other coaches talking
about love languages in our other videos,
so I'm not going to go too deep into it here, but basically,
there are five primary love languages;
touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts.
Every guy has at least two love languages that he enjoys receiving emotion through.
If you're not speaking the way that you feel and your feelings about him
in love languages that he understands,
then it's going to be like you're speaking to him on a frequency,
like a radio frequency, that he can't pick up.
Another common mistake is projecting your love languages onto him
and assuming that he needs the same sort of emotional communication that you do.
For example, if your primary love languages
are acts of service and gifts, and because of that,
you bake him a delicious pie,
when his primary love language that he enjoys receiving
his physical touch, then while he may enjoy the pie,
you're actually leaving him pretty emotionally isolated
and feeling misunderstood.
Here's a little love language pro tip for you, ladies.
You want to know how men are like dogs?
Well, they both love being pet.
[laughs]
Yes, touch is a primary love language of most men,
so if you're in doubt about what a man's love languages
might be, go ahead, give them a pet and see how he responds.
The fourth reason a man isn't emotionally investing in you
is that you have conflicting attachment styles.
I'm not going to go too deep into attachment styles,
but I do go very deep into them in my love course.
If you want to get on the waitlist for that,
click the link in my description.
I've got a link to it, you can sign up there.
Basically, attachment style falls into three distinct categories.
There's a secure attachment style, which is 50% of all adults.
Then there's anxious attachment style, which is about 25%,
and then avoidant attachment styles, which is the other 25%.
If you're unsure what your attachment style is,
there are plenty of great tests online.
I highly recommend you Google it, and you can take one of them there.
What do I mean when I say conflicting attachment styles?
Notice that I didn't say different attachment styles.
Partners can have two different attachment styles
and still have a deep emotionally connected relationship.
For example, two partners who are both anxious attachment style
and are aware that they're both that way
can work through their fear of abandonment
and build and deepen their emotional connection by continual,
meaningful, loving communication.
That's a great way for them to accommodate each other
in a conscious way.
However, if you're anxious attachment style and aware of it,
and he's avoidant attachment style and he's not aware of it,
he's going to see your fear of losing him as drama.
He's going to see all your efforts to try to bring him closer to you
as an invasion of his freedom and autonomy,
which is going to lead to him pushing you further away,
and it actually creates a really toxic cycle
called the anxious avoidant trap, that a lot of times,
those two attachment styles,
they really create a really harmful yo-yo of the anxious partner trying
to get the avoidant partner to come closer to him,
which then triggers him and has him push away on her.
I say him, but either the man or the woman can be avoidant.
It definitely works both ways.
If you suspect that your partner isn't emotionally investing in you
because you have a conflicting attachment style issue
and he's not conscious of it,
it's probably time for a really deep conversation,
where you both share what your needs are in relationship and the role
that attachment style plays in those needs,
because if he's invested in you,
if you're someone that you really wants to spend time with in his life long term,
he's going to be willing to adjust and accommodate
for any attachment style dynamics that may exist in your relationship.
It really comes down to you both learning how to adapt to each other's unique needs.
The fifth reason that a man isn't emotionally investing in you
is super simple, it's that he's just not your person.
I included this as a catch-all,
because sometimes there isn't one specific issue
or reason that a man is unable to emotionally connect to you,
it's just that, for whatever reason,
the two of you just aren't compatible in a deep, long term way.
Guess what? That is perfect.
It is completely fine.
It's so important to remember that a huge part of the process
of dating and relationship is connecting with,
experiencing, and releasing a variety of partners
and growing and learning and expanding from each one
of those connections.
That's why it's absolutely crucial that we consciously release
outcome dependence as we're meeting and getting to know men.
Don't be dependent on any particular outcome,
especially in the early stages of dating.
Don't get attached to it in a unhealthy way.
Releasing outcome dependence allows us to show up genuine and empowered
when we're out there dating and getting to know men,
and it also allows us to gracefully release
those guys that aren't serving us, for whatever reason.
Remember, you're not out there dating to be a perfect match to every man
that you meet, you're here to be your authentic,
genuine radiant self,
and to connect with and find the men out there that see and cherish
your light and not waste too much of your time with the men that don't.
If you're dating a guy and showing up as your radiant empowered, authentic self,
and for whatever reason, he's not seeing it,
and he's just being aloof or manipulative or anything like that,
don't stress out and spend too much
time trying to analyze and figure out what the reason might be,
simply acknowledge, without judgment,
that he's is not your person and lovingly release him,
standing firm in your knowing that there are other guys out there
who are worthy of being in relationship with you and will see the true
beauty of who you are.
Ladies, there are a ton of reasons that a man may be unwilling
or unable to emotionally invest in you or a relationship with you right now,
and as we talked about today,
a lot of them have very little to do with you.
Those five common reasons that we discussed are,
number one,
that he's simply not in an emotionally available space in his life right now.
Remember, men are single focus,
and if he doesn't have his career or his professional ducks in a row,
he's not going to feel that he has a lot of bandwidth left
to give you and the relationship that you're worthy of.
The best way to help a man who's developed that belief
is to let him know how worthy he is right now,
and how you're not just looking for a baby daddy interview,
you want to get to know him and see if love can bloom with him
exactly where he's at in this moment.
A second reason a man might be emotionally unavailable
is that he's got unresolved emotional trauma
from his past relationships.
The way you'll be able to see this is if he gets reactive,
or defensive, or shuts down with a particular type of experience.
Remember, if he gets that way,
the best way for you to respond is to create emotional safety
around that experience for him through your words and your actions.
The third reason he isn't emotionally investing in you
is that you are not speaking each other's love languages effectively.
It's important to not project your love languages onto him.
Take the time to learn how he loves to receive and express love,
and really, cater to that in the way that you emotionally communicate with him.
The fourth reason he's not emotionally available
is you all have conflicting attachment styles.
Notice I didn't say different attachment styles.
You can be different attachment styles,
but if one or both of you are not conscious
of each other's attachment styles, and are not accommodating for them,
it is going to create conflict in relationship.
Have that deep talk.
Talk about each other's needs,
and the role that our attachment style plays in those needs,
so that you two can meet each other in a way
that's really fulfilling for both of you.
The fifth reason he's not emotionally available to you
is that he's simply not your person for any one or many reasons.
It's not your job to try to play Sherlock Holmes and figure out
what his issues are or try to fix him and convince him that you're worthy
of being in relationship.
If a man simply isn't your person,
it is best to just lovingly release him and trust that there are wonderful men
out there that are waiting for your time and attention and love.
Sound off in the comments, ladies.
Let us know what your biggest takeaways were from this video,
what your biggest patterns you've seen with men
not being able to emotionally invest are in your own relationships.
Share that wealth of wisdom with the tribe.
A lot of women have huge breakthroughs from reading the comments.
Don't forget to hit that little subscribe button,
if you haven't already, and be sure to click that link
in the comments and caption.
I have created some awesome content that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
Thanks so much for stopping by and I'll see you in my next video.
Bye-bye.
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