- I think it was this really particular time
in my life
where I felt super sucked in
to like social media
and like those kind of internet relationships
that weren't very deep.
That were very surface level.
And being hyper obsessed
with my own internet personality.
And like Instagram followers,
and likes and all this stuff.
You get this burst of like serotonin or dopamine
like this burst of like this high.
But at the end of the day
when that's shut off
I felt more alone than ever
because I wasn't really maintaining
like friendships and stuff.
I was like, I don't wanna write
another love song today or anything
in that vibe at all.
In wanna write something existential
within the next hour we had written
the whole song.
And it felt very much like,
this may sound kinda corny,
but I felt like I literally channeled it
from somewhere.
Because it says all this stuff that
I've never really have like acknowledged necessarily
in my life but it all
just kind of came out.
And so it was a really special day.
Like I'll never forget just like
the angle I was sitting at looking
at the piano and just the feeling
of when I wrote it and everything.
It was really cool.
I do think about my dad a lot.
And then I kind of wish
in a lot of ways we were closer.
Hi dad, if you're watching this.
I know my dad struggled a lot, you know,
with depression when he was younger.
We'd spend a lot of time together.
He used to like drive me around,
my old bands to like our concerts.
And he was like so supportive.
And he would be in like the back of the room
like jamming as my bands would be playing
to like 20 people.
And we had a lot of those like beautiful times together.
And I, sort of feel like,
I don't necessarily feel like
as close to him as I would like to
which is so funny
because it's like here I am saying that
in a video and like, you know, having trouble
sometimes saying that directly
to somebody.
Which I think is so relevant
to like what the whole song is about.
It's like having these feelings
and, sort of, like projecting them
through the internet and through your art
but not really saying it directly to somebody.
Which is why, it's like, you know,
I think people are lonely.
It's cus it's really hard to confront these things.
Emptiness has been something that like has
on and off plagued me for so long.
Like I feel like I'm always
on the search for something more.
I don't know exactly what it is.
I think some of the emptiness does come from,
you know, I was diagnosed with clinical depression
and OCD about a year and a half ago.
And, I think, honestly looking back at my life
I feel like I was in some way depressed for a long time.
And I think a lot of that has to do
like, you know, chemically.
Just like, no matter what was going on
in your life, just like, not feeling bad.
It was the January of 2019
where I was just like super stuck in bed, super depressed.
Was really like crying most of the day every day.
And like talking to my friends.
Trying to figure out like what was going on.
Like, why I was so sad.
And why I was experiencing such deep
and intense and nonstop anxiety.
And nothing could take me out of that feeling,
that loneliness.
And nothing could stop the anxiety
that I was experiencing.
So it felt like what is the reason anymore?
What is the point of like owning anything?
I don't know, I struggle with that feeling a lot,
of being like maybe I should be totally minimal
and have nothing,
And like why does anybody deserve anything?
Like so many people don't have anything in life.
Why is it that I get to, you know,
like have a career and like be able to afford things.
And what is the point in things?
I don't know, when you're in such a low place,
I feel like there's really no point.
When I say like we're never alone
like I think a lot of times we're like
physically alone but we're never alone
because it's like we're always on our phones.
It's like, you know so many people
but you don't really know how they're doing.
Like, I can't tell you
how often it is that like I meet somebody,
or have like friendships,
or I witness friendships
where I feel like there's kind of like
a depth missing, you know.
And it's like really, sometimes it's hard
to like reach that next level of depth.
To deepen a relationship I think it takes
a fair amount of like awkward time.
Where you're just spending a day together.
Not really doing anything.
And people are always doing things now.
It's like always you have to do so much
and always be so busy
that we don't have time to just like
let those friendships
like really develop naturally, you know.
Like a lot of friendship are born
out of days where you, kind of, don't do anything
but you're together by chance.
And then, like you end up just talking about
all sorts of stuff.
I think there's not time for all of that now.
Love my friends to death
but I never call and I never text is like
my favorite lyric I've ever written.
I'm a person who's very outwardly loving
and love means a lot to me.
And openness means a lot to me.
It's like really important to me.
If that matters so much to you
then why don't you,
like why is it that when a certain friend reaches out
I see it and then I take forever to respond.
Or like I'll avoid a call.
I think part of it has to do with,
just my theory is like,
if I'm doing something else that I deem
my time to be more important towards,
if that makes sense,
then I end up kind of like shunning,
or just shutting off another situation.
But then it's like
I'm so distracted that I never end up
actually reaching back out to that friend.
And that's something I'm super guilty of.
For me, I think, it's not really,
as much, a literal, like about drugs.
It's so rewarding in the moment
to be chasing, like getting likes
or posting a photo cus you know it'll get more attention,
or I don't know, it's a very addicting cycle.
Constant distraction.
Constant, you know, scrolling.
I'll even get a high being like,
when I come back to my phone
and I answer a bunch of emails at once.
Some of it is a sense of accomplishment.
Some of it is just like sense of like immediate attention.
Like, everybody wants attention.
It's like, I don't know how to be truly alone.
Which is something I struggle with a lot.
Like, I actually am so bad at being alone.
I'm always with my friends
or if I'm not I'm like distracted doing something.
The coming down part is just like
what do you do with yourself
when you don't have that attention
or you don't have people around you.
This sort of self-analysis has been something
that's just become greater and greater in my 20s.
I'll have moments where I've been
like a bad friend and somebody will call me out
in a big way.
And I'll like think about it for months.
Honestly, like I still think about things
that happened, you know, when maybe I was not
the best friend from like years ago.
And I just beat myself up over it.
I have this thing I do
where it's like, I'll just like spill my shit
out on Twitter or on Instagram.
Whether it's some like big piece of sadness,
and I'm like, "Oh I should be vulnerable
and share this".
Or it's something I'm angry about.
Or it's like anything and I do it all the time.
And sometimes I find myself doing it honestly
because I know it's relatable
and I know it'll get likes.
And I think that's such a crazy thing
that I don't know if any other people do.
I imagine.
It's almost like, you know,
in a good way vulnerability has been
such a thing, you know, on the internet now.
It's like people aren't always trying
to pretend they have a perfect life.
You're actually like showing their flaws.
And like people speaking about mental health.
Which is so so so important.
But I think, it's actually gotten to a point
were people know they're doing it
for relatability.
Because they know that other people are gonna like it.
Because we're like, "I feel that to."
And that's a weird thing.
It's like, you're not solving your own shit
by going and complaining to the internet.
Like maybe it feels good
and it is good sometimes, you know.
To get something out.
And also to potentially help other people.
But, I think, when it becomes this cycle
of always doing it, it's sort of,
I don't know, what's the motivation really, you know.
I think a big thing for me that's helped me
with loneliness, honestly, has been like
really committing to meditating
and like doing that every day.
Cus, I think, the deeper I go into it
the easier it is to be with myself
and the easier it is to enjoy the current moment.
Cus you can find anything beautiful
in the current moment, you know.
And I think that makes it a lot better.
It makes it a lot easier to be alone.
Like wanting to escape this feeling of loneliness
and just sort of dreaming like
it is possible.
It is possible.
But kind of being like
I don't know if it's really possible.