hello Internet today I'd like to talk
about something and that I've never
shared before and I know that this may
come as a shock to literally everyone
I'm sure but I have suffered from
depression and I'm not gonna do an
awkward laugh because there's nothing
funny about that what is wrong with me I
haven't talked about this before because
I've always felt like it was something I
was still going through not something I
was over and suddenly ready to talk
about guys I'm better
who wants tips but I'm in a reasonably
good place right now and it's a huge
part of my life that I just think is
weird for me to not talk about so today
I have decided to upload this and share
my story in the hopes that it made hope
so what is depression in case anyone
watching this doesn't know in short it
is a mental illness that makes you feel
low all the time it's different from
feeling sad when usually something you
understand makes you feel bad for a
period like when you watch the notebook
and do this afterwards for two hours
when a bird poops in something you're
about to eat and how I'm inside or when
nobody turns up to the birthday party
that you threw for your laptop
listen okay you are valid and I love you
no matter what anyone else says just me
okay and feeling sad is real and crap
but usually you know why it happens and
how you can feel better with depression
you feel bad all the time and usually
for no particular reason and you can't
help it you can't just make yourself
feel better and you could be the
happiest person in the world with all of
the things that you think makes
someone's life good and still be
depressed it affects people differently
but this is my experience depression is
like I've fallen into a hole the normal
life and everybody else is out of reach
and I'm stuck on the floor in the dark I
don't feel sad I don't want to cry it's
that I don't feel anything at all as if
life has D saturated when I'm depressed
I have no energy I have no
to do anything other than lie lifelessly
in bed flowers or sometimes on the floor
which is so much less comfortable and
ergonomic I totally lose interest in
doing any of the things that usually I
find fun or really care about down it's
Sunday you can literally play games all
day come on then the final episode of
Game of Thrones is about to start you've
been looking forward to this for seven
years
I even lose my appetite which for me is
crazy because food is like literally the
most important thing in my life
Oh dad look what I've got some freshly
microwaved popcorn mmm don't you want to
eat some oh no dad it's falling all over
your head the shame of someone in your
mouth and everything in my mind is
completely negative I feel worthless
like no one likes me as if everything I
want to do will fail and that life is
just pointless
all rational thought just completely
goes out the window as if the Sun has
been eclipsed and the only way I'd feel
I could escape is by completely hiding
from reality I would lock myself in my
room today's I just go off somewhere
without telling anybody or often overeat
just to distract myself because hey if
I'm chewing something that means I'm not
thinking that dark hole I fall into yeah
I literally try to fill the hole with
pizza as if I could just float to the
top on a wave of cheese and crust
turns out B stands for depression and
dominoes just kidding I did a lot of
Pizza all the time now everyone can feel
depressed if you have a traumatic
incident or you're grieving it is
totally natural to be depressed for a
while as a reaction but if it's a
persistent problem in your life that
won't go away that is clinical
depression which is what I've had now
why what caused this well thankfully
there's loads of reasons it can be
biological not having enough of these
magical happy hormones like serotonin or
dopamine or having a problem with your
frontal lobe or typical
but it's complicated it could be genetic
I had an uncle with bipolar disorder who
may have passed something down thanks
uncle don't worry you won't be offended
he's dead but it can just as much be
psychological or sociological when I was
younger I used to get bullied every
single day I was struggling with my
identity pretty much all of my
environments were bad and when life
keeps you feeling constantly defeated
that's when you can fall into depression
I used to think it was just who I was
and how I felt and it was normal but I
went to different doctors at different
points who told me I think you may be
depressed and I thought really okay well
I think I can deal with it but I kept
going through it until one day only a
few years ago I thought I cannot deal
with it this is holding me back in life
this is not how I'm supposed to be and I
want to overcome it so I looked back at
my life at the things that may have made
me this way that I could change the
baggage that I was holding on to and
said
and my journey began now I am NOT a
professional okay I am not about to give
you advice don't listen to me listen to
an expert this is just what I've done
when I've been depressed it's like my
life totally falls off the rails and I
really have to force myself to get back
on and that means taking basic self-care
very seriously which sounds really
stupid and obvious but if you don't
there's no point in even trying having a
shower stay hydrated trying to eat well
and getting a good sleep every day which
is a night owl
aka someone who stays awake until 3:00
a.m. looking at obscure memes and still
of sleeping is challenging but literally
essential to being a functional human
being and I couldn't do it alone once I
acknowledged this I told people I
trusted about it and that I wanted to
work to get better and just being able
to tell someone
yeah I'm really depressed can I come to
yours and watch you play Zelda all there
sure thing family or if I don't go
outside for three days will you just
break into my apartment and help me out
I will run you the sickest bubble bath
and have you in bed at 6 p.m. and make
all the difference
and there's therapy I've been seeing a
therapist for nearly three years now and
it's not the stupid stereotype that I
imagined before and why do you think
this is
well it's your father yeah your dad no I
wouldn't say yup yeah daddy being able
to be completely honest about anything
with someone that I can trust who is
professionally trained to give advice
and helped me to understand myself
better has completely transformed my
life and stops me feeling alone in my
darkest thoughts I'm worried that I
might be a bit of a fairy that's totally
understandable oh good I could make a
whole other hilarious video about
therapy and then there's these guys
antidepressants Wow sounds so magical
almost like a cure no not the purpose of
the drugs is to give the brain the
chemicals it needs just to make up for
what the brain should be doing if you
weren't depressed it's not cure or a
permanent solution or something you're
supposed to take forever it's just there
to keep you stable while you work on the
rest of your life so that one
when you feel ready you can stop which I
have a professional will decide what to
prescribe but I took these guys hold it
citalopram pretty common one catchy name
like anything a wonder various side
effects like insomnia or anxiety or
painful erections didn't get any of
those it did make me gain loads of
weight really quickly which was annoying
but it kept me functional so you know I
started with a tiny dose but it didn't
do much so I took a huge dose and it
turned me into a zombie and made me feel
sick so I settled for a middle ground
which honestly probably wasn't enough to
keep me stable all the time but it's
what I felt comfortable with everyone's
bodies have different reactions to drugs
so it was an adventure that I had to go
on to find out what worked for me but it
did and speaking of bodies this brings
me on to the next point exercise
honestly the most depressing thing about
this whole ordeal is realizing exercise
helps in so many ways it releases the
hormones that make you feel happy it
usually means you have to socialize with
other humans which keeps you tethered to
reality it uses energy so you go to
sleep easier it makes you have more
energy so that you can do things
throughout the day and generally makes
you feel healthier and more confident
but so often I just can't be bothered so
I have to force myself to do it by
making plans with other people for about
three months now I've been doing seven
hours of training a week extend your
spine down which is horrendous but I
will admit that even though I would
never do it if I was left alone my life
is so much better for it now getting my
life to the point where I'm doing all of
these things and I feel like I don't
need the drugs anymore has taken years
literally and it's not like it's over
and I can just drop it this is the
minimum that I need to keep up to stay
afloat and even then I'd say a couple
times a month I can have depressive
episodes that are bad like what I
described earlier sometimes I'll just
wake up in that black hole and there's
nothing I can do about it the day is
just a write-off no matter what I'm this
ghost version of myself and I just have
to hope that when I wake up the next day
I feel better and one of the hardest
things honestly is that like other
mental illnesses they're invisible so to
other people I seemed perfectly fine I
could hang out with friends film a video
go to an event and no one would know
because it's all in my head and when
people don't know that I like this they
wonder what the hell I'm doing friends
wonder why I haven't replied to them for
days you wonder why I haven't tweeted or
uploaded a video people I work with
don't know why I haven't gotten around
to doing that thing yet so I personally
felt uncomfortable telling people about
it because I mean generally I'm a pretty
awkward guy and it's a weird thing to
bring up but I didn't want it to be seen
as an excuse I didn't want sympathy
because I don't want to be defined by it
I don't identify myself as dan likes
pizza means depressed I am everything I
am in spite of this thing constantly
holding me back I think about who I
could be in what I could have done if I
didn't go through this and it makes me
mad I like jokes about it because it
objectifies it is this thing that isn't
Who I am that I'm not alone in but as I
said at the start I thought I should
share this now because it is a big part
of my story that I think people should
know and understand and I want other
people going through mental health
issues to know that they can talk about
it and it can get better
which for me it has these days it can
sometimes seem like surely everybody
knows about depression and everyone's
open about their mental health which is
a great thing right like I wish that was
the case ten years ago but there is
still such a stigma about being open
about your vulnerabilities and asking
for help and there are so much
misinformation and let's be honest there
are so many morons out there that just
talk so depression is a thing it's an
illness that people can't control it's
not cool or mysterious it sucks and if
you don't have it you should be glad and
learn how to be there for people that do
so Here I am sharing the story with you
with no shame cuz hey if I can let
strangers on the internet pick apart and
consume my life like candy floss made of
black clothes and self-deprecation you
can do it
thanks for watching this remember I'm
just talking about my experiences here
I'm not an expert and I haven't begun to
talk about all the things that you can't
so if you're interested I have link to
some really good YouTube videos down in
the description on the same topic that I
recommend if you have any wholesome
messages of support on the topic of
mental health then please leave a nice
comment down below or if you want me to
talk about any more things like this
then let me know you can subscribe to my
channel we're told one and make a new
video and remember to ring that bell to
get notified whenever I do you can watch
my last one over here and yeah I'll see
you next time I ride that Pizza wave out
of the hole by ghost in three sleeping
in heaven