Rap News is back today with an essential communiqué
to survey the Presidential charades errr... debates
as the people choose a candidate
to be the lesser of two evils to rule the planet
but before the ballot, there's a fact we should state
unbeknownst to many, these actual debates
are owned and regulated by the two parties in the race
to exclude tough questions and third parties from the slate.
To rectify this slight on the democratic way of life,
it is with great delight, humility, and frankly surprise
that I came to decide that I would be the host of the final debate tonight!
So with out further ado, let's get on with it:
In the red corner it's the mormon, Governor Mitt Romney
in the blue, you can view President Obama on your screen
Let's begin with an easy one: the economy
- We're left with a forty-seven percent deficit
I'll abolish Education and Health to fix it!
- Ahh... Listen, Mitt, I err... have to disagree,
aaaand you see... err... we actually need a taxing spree.
- so neither of you see any sense in cutting
the humungous military defense budget
- Didn't you read my... uh... poster? FOR-WAR!
- Hey, these ain't the questions we chose before...
- You mean these "pre-approved" questions? - what the..?!
- Mormon help us, this is monstrous!
- Can't I get just one teleprompter!?
- Let's talk rule of law: what will be your policy?
- Well, folks, I have a drone
I have a drone that one day, I alone
will have the right to assassinate anyone
- That's the American drone!
I share that drone it includes all of us!
- I have a drone: no more habeas corpus;
and more powers to detain and resort to excessive force...
- and declare war without approval of congress or courts
of course, you're just copying what I believe in
- Don't let this...uh... War-Is-Peace prize deceive you!
I've bombed a whole heap a people to pieces
and my first term ain't even completed.
- Ah, ok; Israel, will you cease backing its crime and abuses
building settlements in Palestine, and...what are you doing?
- I'll give Israel this many bombs to attack Iran
- I'll give more and nuke Afghanistan
- Is there anything you two don't agree on?
- Yeah, the best colour for ties...
- Blue! - He's wrong!
- The best colour for wives... Or the number
- The fact that Joseph Smith was a prophet. - bullshit
- Do you think it's safe for humans to consume GMOs? - Yes we cancer
- What about plans to close Gitmo? - Yes we cancelled those.
- And will you prosecute Wall Street? - Yes we ca...
- Heck No!
- And with environmental and energy crises,
how will you steer this ship through these high seas?
- Fracking? drilling the Arctic? that's our plan
- ...and build the Keystone pipe from the Tar Sands.
- do you plan to expand the surveillance state?
- Please, our opinions there don't deviate
- Ask us about jobs... for the sake of the race
- We've gotta have some illusion of a debate...
Ask us these questions, Robert, we can't handle this
- This is why we exclude third party candidates...
- Please Robert... - Robert.... - Robert.... - Robert....
- Robert, Robert the debates are on
- Oh... just a dream... a wonderful dream... but it's gone
ah, the debates, well, I guess I'd better switch them on...
- Gentlemen, welcome to you both ... let's start with jobs
- Jobs! Elmo make Americans return to working
- me allow wedding of Bert and Ernie
mmm, blowjobs... - that's against the Bible's teachings
- me born in Kenya... me not read this
- All right, I think we have another clear - yeah
- difference between the two of you - OK
- Now, let's move to Health Care where I know there is a clear difference...
- Elmocare will make you strong
- OmonsterCare is good for money OM NOM NOM NOM
Old MacDonald has a Big Pharma Plan
- Elmo is happy for lots of people to die in pain.
- Alright this is segment three, (- aha) the economy entitlements
- Elmo's favourite number is forty seven!
- Me like seven! - Seven trillion!
- Seven! - You have two minutes
- seven - way over the two minutes
- aaaawww - over 9 thousand