From awkward concussions to face farters, we look at 8 horrifying first date tales.
8.
Coming out of both ends • So this lass has been crushing hard on
a piece of eye-candy at her work.
When he asks her out, she’s stoked.
They decide to watch movies at his place.
Standing in his kitchen she starts to feel woozy; she faints and hits her head.
He tells her she should go to the hospital, but she insists she’s fine.
• A little later, she nods off.
When she wakes up, she’s sweating and got a beastly demon in her belly that’s about
to be unleashed.
She runs out of the room trying to find the bathroom but it’s too late.
She vomits all over the floor and her ass sprays diarrhea all over the wall behind her.
She’s mortified but so sick that she can’t stop heaving, she falls into a heap of her
own vomit.
• The nice guy takes her to the hospital.
There’s a Disney ending though: they ended up getting married!
I guess that’s the test of true love, if you can shit on his wall like a parrot, it’s
meant to be.
7.
The Interrogation • 5 minutes into a bind date the guy can’t
believe his luck; she’s gorgeous and they’re having an awesome time.
• She tells him, let’s blow this joint, I’ve got somewhere I want to take you.
So they get in her car and go for a drive.
He’s enamored that she’s so spontaneous.
But then they walk into a restaurant; it turns out to be her aunt’s birthday.
Her entire family are there.
• He spends hours getting grilled by her family, the dad starts an inquisition about
his intentions toward his daughter and the poor boy asks his date for a moment in private.
She tells him that anything he has to say, he can say in front of her family.
He tells her “I’m still getting to know you and you’re parading me around in front
of your family.
Family dinners are awful enough, not to mention when it’s someone else’s fucking family.”
He walks out of the restaurant feeling like an asshole but probably a bit like he’s
just escaped Shashank state penitentiary 6.
I can’t go back to prison!
• One couple were having a laid back first date eating McDonalds and decide they want
to see a movie.
• So as the guy is driving, some ass clown pulls out in front of him and he rams into
the other car.
The minor fender bender causes him to start freaking the shit out, she asks “what’s
wrong, don’t you have insurance?”
He says “worse, I’ve got a warrant out for my arrest!” he then jumps out of the
car, yelling as he sprints away “I’m sorry, I can’t go back to prison.”
• Just as this poor girl is coming to terms with being ditched the cops rock up and she’s
in a car that isn’t hers.
After some explaining, the cops agree to take her home.
On the way there she finds out that the car is also stolen.
5.
The Foot Fetishist • 5 minutes into a blind date, this guy
asks if he can suck on his date’s toes.
She laughs it off and politely declines.
• When they’re in the cinema, he pretends to drop something on the floor and as he reaches
down to pick it up he puts her toes in his mouth.
• She’s so shocked she kicks him right in the face.
Naturally, she excused herself to go to the powder room and got the fuck outta there.
4.
The Pisser • After talking online for a few days, these
singletons decide to meet up in person.
He picks her up and within two minutes of getting into the car she asks “where is
this relationship is going?”
• He says they just met so he doesn’t know.
That’s when she breaks it to him that he actually just picked her up from her boyfriend’s
place but that they’re about to break up.
She asks “hey can I move in with you?” and when he tells her no she starts sobbing….and
then pisses herself in the car…
• Maybe it was some kind of revenge for the emotional turmoil of rejection or, more
likely, maybe she was just bat shit fucking crazy.
4.
Kissy Wissy • This guy seemed normal when they spoke
on the net, but you can never be sure.
10 minutes into their actual date, he gets a little too close for comfort and asks if
she’d like “a kissy wissy” in a weird baby voice.
• She politely declines.
When their meals arrive, he pulls her plate to him and starts cutting up her steak for
her.
Then when says she’s going to the bathroom, he asks if she needs help wiping.
What the actual fuck.
• The waitress comes into the bathroom and tells her, “uhh your date just put a pacifier
on your plate.
Did you want to use the kitchen exit?”
It’s moments like these that’ll will make you believe guardian angels don’t have to
look like Nicholas Cage. 3.
Beer Goggles • A man receives a phone call from a girl
that says a mutual friend thought they’d get along.
The desperately single lad thinks, “why not” and agrees to a date.
• It starts well with her showing up tipsy, blaming nerves for her drinking.
He overlooks that red flag and takes her to a pool hall where she gets drunker and starts
a fight with the staff.
Deciding that’s enough, he takes her to get a bus home but she vomits ALL over the
bus steps and the driver kicks her off.
Stranded he has to take her in for the night, telling to sleep on the couch.
In the middle of the night though he wakes up to his ribcage being crushed.
She’s on top of him.
• He calls the mutual friend to say, what the fuck man, you hooked me up with a nut
job.
She has no idea what he’s talking about.
She’s actually a bit slow and her parents are about to put her in a group home for adults
with intellectual disabilities.
2.
The Queef • An inordinately hot chick contacts this
guy on a dating site, so he’s suspicious from the get go.
• A few days pass and she asks if she can swing by his place.
He reluctantly agrees and when she shows up, she looks much older than her pics.
More like 40 than 25.
While going down town, she lets out a fart in his face that made his eyes sting.
She laughs her ass off as he opens a window to neutralize the air.
• They get to doing the nasty, she randomly lifts herself off him and queefs a spray of
vaginal juice onto his leg, all with the glee malevolence of a maniac.
No matter how much this guy showers he will never feel clean again.
1.
Killer Date • Being a gun toting southern gentleman
can work to your advantage in the dating scene.
After a pair of singletons speak online, they decide to meet up for dinner.
• At dinner, all seems to be going well, until some crazy guy rushes at them, hurling
abuse at the girl.
Fellow diners are staring and just as the staff are calling the cops, the girl grabs
her steak knife and rams it into the guy’s chest.
He falls to the floor and she pounces, pulling the knife out.
• Then.
she lunges at her date like she’s getting ready to stab him too.
Quick as a flash, he pulls his gun out of the holster and fires a shot into her collarbone!
Man, dating in the south sounds intense.
Luckily there was no second date because I don’t see how
he could’ve topped that.