Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette! In today's video, we'll be discussing the
best ways to create and maintain friendships as an adult man. Speaking
broadly, humans are social creatures; while some people are more introverted
and others more extroverted, everyone benefits from having a network of
interpersonal connections to fall back on when needed. Family is a natural
network of connections, of course, and many people also have coworkers to reach
out to but in today's increasingly digital age,
studies are showing that true friendships are harder to come by. We'll
revisit these specific data on this later but if you're wondering how to
make more friendships that will survive and thrive, today's video is for you.
First, let's touch on the history of male friendships. This is just going to be a
brief overview but if you'd like more information, we'll link to a great
article from our friends over at the Art of Manliness in the description. In
ancient times, men viewed male friendships as the most
fulfilling relationship that a person could have. According to philosophers,
including Aristotle, platonic relationships, having emotional
connection without sexual intimacy were the ideal. Fast-forward to the 19th
century where male friendships were often marked by an intensely sentimental
bond, they echoed the so called heroic friendships of the ancient world with an
emphasis on emotion common to the Romantic Age. Men of this time could use
flowery language with one another in letters and weren't afraid of even being
somewhat more physically affectionate. They wouldn't give a second thought to
draping their arm around a friend or sometimes even holding hands. Why is this?
At that time, affectionate feelings were not labeled as being strictly sexual or
platonic. Also, the overall social structure of society
during this time help to foster those intense emotional bonds. In a manner of
speaking, men and women almost lived in separate
social worlds until they got married. Additionally, fraternal organizations
like the Freemasons and The Odd Fellows were at their peak during this time in
American history. At the end of the 19th century, nearly one in three American men
was a member of one of these organizations, if not more. During the
20th century though, male friendships underwent some serious transformations.
The industrial revolution, market economics, and ideas like social
Darwinism all contributed to a shift in thinking. Instead of viewing other men as
potential friends, the default thought became that other men were competition.
Also, with the increased leisure time that could now take place because of
industrialization, men turned to playing more sports and pursuing more outdoor
activities in their free time. Therefore, rather than basing their friendships
around an emotional bond, 20th century men were more likely to base their
friendships with others around these kinds of pursuits. The outlier here where
more classically styled emotional friendships did still exist was in the
military where the nature of training and combat made these close bonds
essential. This is still the case into the modern era but outside of the
military, the 21st century man seems to have relatively few options to form
these close emotional friendships. Why is this? Partly, it can be because of the
increased responsibilities of modern adult life. If you're on the dating scene,
that can take up a good portion of your time, for example, or if you're married,
you, of course, have spousal responsibilities. If you have children,
they each have their own needs, activities, and social lives and you may
also be at a point where you're having to care for your parents as well and of
course, that's not counting work, sleep, and other activities.
There are 168 hours in a week and the average person will spend about 40 of
these working and another 50 sleeping. Throw in things like household chores
and projects, as well as all of the other things we mentioned above and you might
end up having less than half of your week free. As an aside here, if you happen
to be wondering, why was it easier for me to make friends in childhood? Well, partly,
it's because as a child, you likely had fewer direct responsibilities to other
people and also, because school is an ideal environment for making friends. If
you stay in the same school district for most of your schooling career, you're
largely surrounded by the same people who are roughly the same age and engaged
in the same kinds of course materials as you are. You'll spend seven or eight
hours a day with these people for years at a time.
Once you finish school though, this highly structured social environment
falls apart and you're suddenly surrounded in adult life with new people
of all different ages, backgrounds, and interests. Friendships can still be
formed, of course, but they often don't come as naturally and research shows
that we are suffering as a result. According to a study by the AARP, for
example, roughly 48 million people over the age of 45 are now suffering from
chronic loneliness and while social media can broadly connect us, this is
often only at a surface level. To say nothing, of course, of the negativity
found in some internet comment sections. Conversely though, a 2010 report in the
Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that having strong social ties can
boost the immune system, decrease the risk of heart disease and high blood
pressure and reduce the impact of stress and chronic pain. So if the benefits are
clear then, what are some effective ways to make friends as an adult?
First, try leveraging your existing network. Even if you don't have many or
any friends whom you regularly talk to these days, chances are you still
have a number of old connections that you haven't talked to in some time. So
don't be afraid to reach out, give them a call or send a message through text or
social media. If they don't answer you, you're no worse off than you were before
trying to reach out and if they do, you've got a whole new opportunity to
connect. Along these same lines, if you do have a spouse or a significant other, ask
if they have any old friends that you could reach out to together. Next up,
consider trying something more structured in nature. In a recent study,
sociologists collected data from 91 countries representing 2/3 of the
world's population, they concluded that Denmark is home to the happiest people
in the world. Why is this? It might have something to do with the fact that 92%
of Danes are members of some sort of group ranging from sports to cultural
interests. To avoid loneliness, we have to seek active social lives, maintain
friendships, and enjoy stable relationships. With this in mind then, you
could participate in adult classes to try to learn something that you've never
had time to before. For example, you could sign up for a cooking class and then
strike up a conversation with somebody at your workstation. You can search for
courses that are available near you online or visit community colleges or
recreation centers to find postings on available courses and of course, if you
are more athletic, you can join a recreational sports team, anything from a
pickup basketball team to a bowling league will put you in an environment
where you can socialize with others. Since these people also had to sign up
for the team, that gives you something in common that you can talk about and as
teammates, you'll have a common goal to work toward which can foster deeper
relationships. If you're more academically minded, you could visit the
library or join a book club. If you're a pet owner, you could take your dog to the
park to talk with other dog owners. Again, this would be something you have in
common. Other activities could include things like religious groups,
traditional fraternal organizations, or something like Toastmasters. And if
you're not finding any structured activities or groups that interest you,
you could go the extra step and start one yourself. Say, for example, a weekly
lunch or a monthly movie night. Friends will bring friends of their own and
before long, the group could be relatively large and who will everyone
have to thank for this? The organizer, you. Furthermore, if you invite people to
events or activities, they'll remember even if they can't make it in that
specific instance. They'll be more likely to reciprocate and invite you to things
in the future. Along these lines, if you've got kids,
coming up with structured activities for them and their friends will allow you to
meet some of their friends' parents. You might even find a few that you would
like to talk with further. Some final other options here would be taking an
opportunity to travel, volunteering, or using a service like the app and web
site, Meetup. Yes, many of these suggestions do seem like a considerable
amount of work, and they are, but here's the thing, having a large and robust
network of good friends makes the work and the occasional awkwardness of
meeting new people worth it. So there are some ideas on how to grow your real-life
social network and make new friends but once you've done this, the question then
becomes how do you keep them? First off is a point that seems obvious but it is
worth mentioning, be kind. Nobody likes a person who's
mean-spirited. Resonating with other people is less about you and more about
focusing on them. In other words, don't try to be interesting, try to be
interested. Being likeable can be as easy as listening to people and asking them
to tell you more. If they mention something that you have in common,
be sure to bring that up. By the way, you can find our video on eleven easy ways
to be more likeable here. In conversation, be complimentary of other people and
make them feel welcome and good about themselves. Sarcasm and negativity are
not personality traits and rather than just trying to be cool, be enthusiastic
about your own interests and those of others. Also, consider giving meaningful
gifts to those people you care about and performing random acts of kindness to
show that you're thoughtful. Be selfless in trying to give more than you receive
without, of course, burning yourself out. Next up is to be vulnerable without
going overboard and sharing your entire life story all at once. Do try to open up
to other people, no strong friendship was ever founded on just talking about
the weather. Yes, even here in Minnesota where
Gentleman's Gazette headquarters is located. In other words, close friends can
lead to personal discussions but personal discussions can also lead to
close friends. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps others to trust you
because they can see that you're putting yourself at emotional, psychological, or
even physical risk. Other people will tend to react by being more open and
vulnerable themselves and when more than one person is letting their guard down
in a situation, this can lead to closer emotional bonds over time. So be yourself,
be honest about who you are, be vulnerable with your emotions without
being dramatic, and don't be ashamed of your own interests. You must like
yourself and be confident in yourself first
or you'll project negative energy to other people. If you'd like to work on
your self-confidence, you can find our video on things confident men never do
here. At the same time, don't try to dominate a conversation or always make
yourself the focus. Conversation should have a healthy balance of perspectives
between parties. Take an interest in the lives of other people, follow up on
things you've heard before and don't forget to ask good questions. By the way,
you can find our playlist on conversation here and our website also
has a great number of articles on social interaction.
Our final main point today is be reliable. In other words, make time for
other people. Spending time with others is a sure sign that you value them and
of course, no one likes to feel undervalued, therefore, it's crucial to
keep in touch with your network. After all, if you haven't kept in touch with
people, that may be why you've found that your circle of friends has gotten
smaller. This can be as simple as an occasional text message or as involved
as a handwritten letter but even if you're only reaching out every once in a
while just to catch up and touch base, maintaining this connection is key. On
that note, you can find our article on letter and card writing etiquette, here.
We mentioned planning events yourself earlier but when others plan events and
invite you, try to say yes more often. Of course, we are all busy these days but if
you often feel the urge to turn down others' plans just to do nothing instead,
try to get more comfortable with putting yourself out there. And when you do say
yes to events, get them on your calendar so that way, you'll be more likely to
keep your word and actually show up. So there you have it, an overview of what
male friendships have looked like over time, some suggestions on how to make new
friends, and then some tips on how to strengthen and maintain these bonds. If
you have just one major takeaway from today's video, make it this, in the spirit
of being a gentleman, value others and make yourself into a person worth
valuing. In today's video I'm wearing a fairly casual outfit that might be good
for going out to meet up with new people who could eventually become potential
friends I'm wearing a Glen check shirt in blue and yellow over a white
background underneath a cardigan sweater with blue
and gray tones my trousers are plain medium brown and my loafers are in a
dark chocolate brown suede my socks today are from Fort
Belvedere they are shadow striped models in navy and yellow to harmonize with the
colors in my shirt as well as my sweater to find these socks as well as a wide
variety of other accessories including ties pocket squares cufflinks and more
you can visit the Fort Belvedere shop here