(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] The introvert awakens
when the rest of her family is sleeping.
She has coffee, and more importantly, silence.
But in order to provide for her family,
she needs to leave her safe haven and go into the wild.
The introvert is spotted at Target.
Her AirPods provide an important defense
against dangerous encounters with other talkative mothers.
- Oh hey sorry, I'm on a call.
- [Narrator] She is not on a call.
She spots a new acquaintance. She likes her okay.
But they've said "let's get dinner soon" four times,
and they've always canceled
because they probably don't like each other enough
to spend three hours across the table from each other.
To avoid being detected,
introverts in the wild have developed powerful hamstrings,
which allow them to move backward
at over 11 miles an hour into tight spaces.
The new acquaintance passes by.
The introvert was undetected.
That was close.
Midday sustenance.
The introvert must eat.
She spots a nearby Panera Bread.
The Panera bread is ideal
because the introvert can order her meal
on a phone and then pick it up in a little cubby hole,
then take it to a window and eat in silence.
The introvert gets her salad,
but sees that there is an apple instead of the baguette.
The baguette is her favorite part.
She normally takes the chicken out of the salad
and puts it in there like a little mini sandwich.
But to get the baguette,
she would need to wait in line at the counter
and then speak to a person.
She must choose the silence or the baguette.
The baguette will have to wait another day.
Introverts are often at their happiest in an empty gym.
The various devices provide a variety
of interactions with non-human entities.
There's even a mounted bicycle
that speaks to her and motivates her
without the introvert ever needing to respond.
- Yeah, beefer ready to start this meeting,
I'm just gonna do it on my earbuds.
- [Narrator] The introvert is less happy
when other species enter her environment,
such as the male Venture Capitalist.
- Startup costs,
definitely want to kind of accelerate our engagement.
- [Narrator] The introvert must adapt
by continuing her conditioning outside.
- We're gonna 10X this in like three months.
It's gonna be epic.
- [Narrator] A brisk run through nature
soothes the introvert's nerves.
Her home is just over the hill, and she's nearly there,
full of joy and completely unaware that she is being hunted.
(dramatic music)
Hidden in the bush lies her predator,
the head of the Homeowner's Association.
HOA Presidents have evolved and survived
with a high-knee high-elbow sprinting style
that results in the devastating closing speed of a jaguar,
the stealth of a panther,
and the doggedness of, well, a dog.
- Hey, I'm sorry. I'm on a call.
- I've tried you at home several times.
You haven't returned any of my phone calls.
- I've been very busy.
- We need to get these sidewalks in--
- [Narrator] The predator has ensnared her prey.
The conversation lasts 20 minutes.
- Our community is going to perish.
It's all going to hell in a handbasket.
- [Narrator] Now the introvert
has reached complete exhaustion.
Her energy is drained and she must recharge.
Waiting in the window is her mate
who just told her he got tickets to a local sporting event.
This is where the introvert displays
her strongest evolutionary advantage,
the ability to get exactly what she wants
while making her mate think that she's doing him a favor.
- Honey, you were saying Chris was a big hockey fan?
- Yeah, a huge fan.
- Would you rather take him?
- No, babe, I want you to go to the game.
- It's fine.
I've already texted him and he is so excited.
- Really?
- You owe me Mister.
- I sure do. Love you.
- [Narrator] The introvert now has four hours
of complete silence,
along with full autonomy
of the remote control and thermostat.
She is back in her natural habitat
and no longer in the wild.
- Make sure Beefer knows we're doing shots later on,
but you're not gonna believe the return of investment,
especially if the cash flow makes its way
to the lockbox.
- [Crew] Yep. That's it. - [Crew] Stay. Stay.
That was good.
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