[ Laughter ]
[ Stately music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Good evening.
I'm your moderator -- Chris Wallace.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And I think I'm going to do a really, really good job tonight.
First, I want to lay out the rules,
which both parties agreed to in advance.
Each candidate will have 2 minutes, uninterrupted...
-Boring.
-But, M-Mr. President,
I haven't even introduced the candidates yet.
-Tell that to my Adderall, Chris.
Now, let's get this show on the road
and off the rails.
-And you did take the COVID test
you promised to take in advance, correct?
-Absolutely, scout's honor.
-Well, President Trump
has already introduced himself,
so let's now welcome the Democratic candidate...
-Boo. Here comes the booing.
-...former vice president of the United States...
-Allegedly. -...and senator from Delaware...
-Not even a real state. -...Joe Biden.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mr. Vice President -- -Just one second, Chris.
Okay.
-It looks like --
It looks like you're ready to debate, Joe.
-Absolutely not.
I've got the beginning of 46 thoughts.
Now, let's do this.
I'm holding my bladder. Let's get at 'er.
-Tonight we'll be discussing six major topics,
none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow.
We begin with the Supreme Court.
President Trump, 2 minutes. -I'm gonna do 10.
I'd like to begin with a list of complaints.
People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean.
Chris Wallace is mean. The economy is mean
to keep losing jobs, which is mean to me.
The China virus has been very mean to me by being a hoax.
And that statement will not come back
to haunt me later this week.
-And -- And what about the question I asked you
about the Supreme Court?
-I think I answered that already.
We're very excited about our nominee --
Amy Cristina Barcelona.
And it was so nice, so nice to welcome her the other day
with open arms and uncovered faces.
-Mr. Vice President, same question.
You have 2 minutes.
-Thank you, Chris. Now, look, here's the deal.
-No, it's not.
-Excuse me, please.
-No, whatever you're gonna say, no.
-Mr. President, please let him speak.
-He let you speak. Now let him speak.
-But he's lying.
I can't point out if he says a lie?
-I-I said two words, you son of a --
No, don't do it, Joe.
It's exactly what he wants.
Don't let your inner Whitey Bulger come out.
Just flash them all that smile
they taught you in anger management.
-Now, Mr. Vice President,
and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider
adding additional justices to the Supreme Court?
-He won't even answer. -I just asked the question!
-You won't even answer it, just like he won't answer.
What about his son Hunter and Burisma
and the mayor of Moscow?
And Obama was spying on me, and he e-mailed Benghazi.
-Mr. -- Mr. President, no one understands what you're saying.
You're just listing terms you heard on Fox News.
And it sounds like you're saying the names of characters
from season four of a show that no one has watched.
-Sheriff of Portland.
-Mr. Vice President, please answer.
-Now, look, here's the deal. -Can I respond to that, Chris?
-will you just shut up?
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I misspoke.
What I meant to say was, I'd appreciate it very much
if you could just allow me to finish my responses,
as opposed to sabotaging every waking moment
with the toxic geyser or verbal diarrhea
that you cracked out,
turd-hurling sack of rancid dog snot.
Losing control.
Back to you, Chris,
-You still have 2 minutes, Joe.
-Oh, really?
Where was I?
-You said, "Look, here's the deal."
-Oh, right. [ Clears throat ]
Look, here's the deal.
Nope, lost it.
Come back to me.
-Chris, can I say one thing?
Am I allowed to say one thing?
-Yes, Mr. President.
-What we need in this country is law and order.
When someone breaks the rules,
they need to face the consequences, no exceptions.
-Okay, what about your taxes?
-There have to be exceptions, Chris.
The terms "law and order," they're very vague terms,
and rules are meant to be broken.
It's the same with masks.
I've got mine right here in my pocket.
Okay? My mask. Alright?
It's like a seatbelt, though.
You just wear it when you're backing out of the driveway,
then you take it off, okay?
But Joe wears the biggest mask I've ever seen.
And he's standing like 200 feet away from everybody.
Oh-oh.
-Look, man, I'm a nice guy,
but if you give me any more guff tonight,
I'll rip your face off like a mad chimp.
I'll knock that thing off your head and burn it,
bury it in the pet cemetery where it came from.
Stop it, Joe! Stop it!
God, you can't lose your cool
just 'cause this joker's raising a little monkey dust.
The country's counting on ya
to just stand here and look lucid.
I know it.
I know what'll calm me down.
My new Harry Styles meditation tape.
-We dip our toes in cold, wet sand...
-Nice -...and sit and face the sea.
-Cleansing.
-We let the waves wash over us...
-Ah. -...alone, just you and me.
-Hey. -[ Clears throat ]
And I better listen to, uh, my meditation tape, as well.
-Ladies and gentlemen!
Leaders and voters!
For freedom and liberty and the American team!
The best is yet to come!
Aaaah!
-Alright, can we please have a civilized dialog?
Debates are a time-honored tradition
and the bedrock of American democracy.
-You're gay.
-Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate,
I'll do absolutely nothing about it.
-Okay, okay, I'll be quiet.
-[ Sighs ]
I don't want to be dictated to,
and I'm not gonna be distracted anymore
by this clown tonight.
Okay?
But I'm definitely gonna concentrate.
I'm gonna try to keep my cool.
What -- What is that? Where is that coming from?
Get down!
-Mr. President, please, stop using a laser pointer.
-It's not, it's not.
This is a wand the cures the COVID, okay?
-Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
[ Scoffs ]
The both of you, this stops right now.
Alright? You look at me, Donald.
You do not treat my Joe like that, alright?
He's a nice boy.
-Kamala, I got this.
-Unh-unh, Joe.
Let Mamala go to work.
Now, Donald...
I want you to apologize to Joe.
-He started it. -Hey! Hey!
I don't care who started it. Alright?
I don't even care who sharted it.
Now, you apologize to Joe now.
-Sorry. -I'm sorry, what's that?
-I said "sorry." Okay, are you happy now?
-I think if there's one thing we learned tonight,
it's that America needs a WAP -- woman as president.
But for now, I'll settle for HVPIC --
hot vice president in charge.
So, why don't the two of you finish this debate,
or whatever the hell this is, with some dignity.
And when you're done, I've got you boys
some PB&J and apple slices waiting for you backstage.
-Yummy!
-Thank you, Senator Harris.
-Oh, I am not done with you, Christopher Wallace.
You will see me in my office after the debate.
Now, where the hell is my martini?
-Oh, uh...
Finally, just to ensure
that this is the worst presidential debate in history,
I'd like to close with white supremacy.
-Oh, baby, come to papa.
-Mr President, I'll ask you directly,
do you condemn white supremacists?
-Condemn them? I don't know any.
I mean, who are you even talking about?
The Proud Boys, the White Boot, the Eugenics Eagles?
I don't even know any of these groups.
I certainly wouldn't even know how to signal them if I tried.
-America, are you listening to this.
The president of the United States
is literally blowing a dog whistle.
-I don't think this thing is working.
I don't hear anything.
-Mr. Vice President, your closing statement?
-[ Sighs ] Well --
-That is so unfair.
Why don't I get to make a closing statement first?
After all, I am the pres--
-Sorry, but I think
we all needed a break.
Isn't that satisfying
[Sighs]
just not to hear his voice
for a single goddamn second?
Let's wallow in it.
Let's bask in the Trumplessness.
Now, Chris, could I speak directly
to the American people?
-Is it gonna be weird? -Totally.
Totally weird.
America... [ Soft music plays ]
...look at me.
Look directly into my eyeballs.
You can trust me
because I believe in science
and karma.
Now, just imagine
if science and karma could somehow team up...
...to send us all a message
about how dangerous this virus can be.
I'm not saying I want it to happen.
But just imagine if it did.
Mmm.
Hmm.
So, this November, please get on the Biden train,
which is literally a commuter train to Delaware,
and we can all make America not actively on fire again.
Okay...
now I'll unpause him.
-...antifa. -Nope, can't do it.
Gonna leave him on pause.
Oh, and one more thing.
-Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!