Should you text the guy first or is it usually best to wait for him to come to you? How do
you reject a guy nicely who's just asked for your number without the situation getting
dramatic? When can you bring up sex fantasies and kinks that you'd like to do with a guy
and how soon is too soon and how do you ensure that your casual relationship doesn't become
just sex? Welcome. It's another week of Ask Mark. This is week number 24 and it's great
to have your questions on here cause you've been leaving some awesome, awesome questions.
So let's get straight into them. First question is from Sonja and Sonya says, great advice.
I have a question, a, I had a date with a very nice guy. Uh, we really hit it off and
we ended up sleeping together on the first day. The night was truly amazing.
The next day, evening, he asked to go out again. I happened to be free of that evening.
So I went to see him again. It was amazing again. Now, he's asking to see me really often.
It sounds pretty great, but I'm getting the feeling that the focus point of our contact
is way too sexual. We don't only hang out in the bedroom, but when we are some, somewhere,
at dinner, the sexual tension is all over the place. Don't get me wrong, I love the
sex which is off the wall and the fact that we have this really intense sexual connection,
but that is not only what I'm looking for from him. How to make sure I don't end up
in a sexual only relationship with him, or is that something that I shouldn't be too
worried about and just see what will naturally evolve? Okay. This is a great question from
Sonia that you're going to get heaps out off if you haven't read the article that I wrote.
Men don't flake because you slept with them too soon. I'd 100% encourage you to go and
read the article. In that article I talk about the concept of physical versus non physical
attraction. The reason men leave off the sex is never because you slept with them too soon.
It's because of the nonphysical attraction, the stuff that drove him, uh, that drives
him to go past sex and throw it with you is either not there and never was, and he was
just riding the physical attraction or it was there in something changed after sex to
decrease that non-physical traction.
What we have right here with Sonja, he's clearly physically attracted and he's obviously non,
physically attracted as well to at least some extent because he's continued to want to see
her continue to want to hang out with her. The nonphysical attraction was carrying through,
well past the sex.
So Sonja, what you've got to do now, is make sure you just focus on continuing to build
that non-physical attraction and keeping the boyfriend benefits that men value most in
mind. So the best thing you can do Sonja honestly, is keep doing all the things you were doing
before you met him. Keep your schedule full, keep doing your own thing. Keep uh, keep busy
with your friends and then doing your hobbies and whatever it is you're filling your time
with, keep booking in all of those things and in a very natural way, you're going to
be that challenging woman who's still nonphysically attractive that he still wants to connect
with. Now in terms of the boyfriend benefits, these are important to think about as well.
Remember the boyfriend benefit, sex on tap? It's not about the sex, but for men who can
very rarely find a reliable source for sex.
It is about the sex on tap and this is another reason you want to make sure you keep up your
own life doing your own things because what the tendency to do here is to clear your schedule.
We have a wonderful connection. This guy is great. Hell yes, I'm free five nights a week.
No, you're not. When you keep busy, the sex just naturally isn't on-tap because you're
doing other things. He doesn't have that reliable girlfriend/boyfriend benefit of sex on tap.
Uh think excitement, so make sure you're continuing to to bring excitement to his life. Remember
if you can make his time with you more exciting than his single life.
You've got that guy in the bag. So always aim to keep your hangouts exciting. You know,
don't slip into this pattern where we're just hanging out at home watching Netflix. Bugger
that, it's boring. If he tries to do that, you can literally text him that and tell him
that nah that's boring. I want to do something fun. Keep your hangouts exciting. And as you're
doing your other stuff as well, he's going to still have the excitement of wanting to
be a part of your life. Be his supporter, be his companion, but you're not doing it
all the time. You're still doing your own things. That's another boyfriend benefit he
can look forward to. And finally, of course, a boyfriend benefit that men value immeasurably
- your exclusivity. So you're not about to tell this guy, Hey, you're the only person
I'm seeing right now. You're still weighing him up against your standards.
You're still waiting and seeing. Just because you have sex doesn't mean you're totally sold
on him. He's going to get the subconscious vibe that you're still weighing him up and
that's nonphysically so attracted to him. It shows you take your standards seriously
and he's gonna want to qualify himself to those standards. Even if you do decide at
least emotionally to go exclusive, maybe just decide not to sleep with anyone else. He doesn't
get to know that. Let him wonder. As long as you have to wonder if he's seeing other
women, he has to wonder if you're seeing other men. What's good for the goose is good for
the gander. So overall, Sonja, keep doing what you're doing before you met him. Keep
the excitement going. Yup, absolutely keep having sex. But you can do it sporadically
by just filling your own schedule and prioritizing him only slowly in your life rather than what
a lot of women do, which is he's going to be a huge priority immediately because that
will decrease his non-physical attraction and that happens after sex a lot.
Give him your support. Give him your companionship. Don't give him your exclusivity until he's
qualified to your standards, which he can't have yet because you hardly know him. And
he's going to want to keep chasing. He's gonna want to build more with you. Awesome. Awesome
question. Awesome question. Second question is from Lily and it's an interesting one.
It's on kinks. And Lily says, how soon with a new partner could a woman bring up her interest
in more kinky sex, especially if they are really into fetishes and need that to enjoy
sex. They don't like vanilla sex. We can do this really soon, Lily. You can do it as soon
as uh really, as soon as you start sleeping together. So you know, wait til the person's
in a sexual state where it's socially appropriate. Don't do it at your dinner or something. But
once you're having sex from the first time, you can start to take things in that direction.
Uh ramp it up gradually. So maybe don't go straight to animal noises if that's your thing.
But you know, as he's having sex with you, you can go, I want you to fuck me with the
handcuffs on. There's ones in the drawer and then you might take it to the next level.
Oh f*ck man, please gag me. There's one in the other drawer, and just ramp it up as you
go. If he's uncomfortable with the next escalation, he's probably not going to be comfortable
with the escalation three above that, so just keep, keep going up. As long as he's comfortable
with it, he's going to keep going along with you and look. You'd rather know sooner rather
than later because I don't know if you want to lick his feet and he's not so into that,
you'd rather know sooner rather than later, right? So he may as well get that stuff sorted
early.
You can start to do it from your very first sexual experience together. A third question
is from Unlinedwork. Unlinedwork says I'm totally on board with everything you said,
but when you reject someone over text, it's different than rejecting someone in person.
Sometimes rejecting someone face to face can make them overly persistent or even violent.
Any tips for that situation? To clarify, I mean rejecting someone that asked for your
number, not someone that you've been on dates with. So Unlined, I had a read of this question
and it's interested me because guys can certainly get overly persistent. They can frankly be
dicks when you reject them, but it would be a pretty unusual situation for a guy to get
physically violent. Very unusual. And I was trying to wrack my brain for whether that
would happen and I'm sure it does in odd scenarios, but for the most part, when a guy asks for
your number, it's either going to be during the day somewhere that's more unusual, but
it's going to be in a public setting or it's going to be a bar/nightclub/out with friends,
with friends in some contexts.
And it's, it's pretty/very really unusual that any guy would get violent in that situation.
So taking out those rare examples, something we talked about in the, in the rejection video
was always reject men with a sense of respect and the way you would want to be rejected,
but also don't take responsibility for their feelings with it. So simply showing you appreciate
the offer and saying no, it's very powerful. Look, no, thank you for asking. Like, I appreciate
you asking, but no, I'm not really interested. It's simple. It's straightforward. It gets
the message across and you're not lying by avoiding the conflict of, Oh, I have a boyfriend,
or Oh, I'm not really looking for that right now. Where he sees you flirting with another
guy later, and it's like, Oh, that bitch lied to me. You can simply say, no, I'm not, I'm
not interested, but thank you so much for, for asking and that's all you need to say.
How he reacts after that is not your problem, but a lot of us take it on as our problem
and we start rejecting people in ways that are kind of lying or inauthentic. You can't
take responsibility for his feelings. Again, you can reject someone with respect and the
way you would want to be rejected, but after that, you can't take responsibility for the
results. Trying to will only make you want to lie and be inauthentic with your rejections.
If a guy is really persistent, simply saying, no, I'm not interested more firmly, and then
always making sure you use your friends. You know, I'm talking bar clubs, scenarios here,
using your friends, simply ignoring him, not making eye contact. Uh, is basically the best
way if a guy's been particularly persistent, getting your friends involved is, is a very,
very powerful and men are going to get the message and there's often security in these
venues as well if that fails, but these are rare examples in most cases. If you give a
guy simple, clear message, you're not going to have him persist because Hey, I actually,
I actually got the message, she said, physically, no, I'm not interested. That's going to help
the guy build resilience as well if he takes it on. So I encourage you to be authentic
with your rejections. Uh number four, last question. No number four, my boyfriend hasn't
texted me in a month, Lilly says, and I texted him every day, what do I do then?
I have an idea Lilly and it's probably something you should have done three weeks ago. Number
one, stop texting him. And number two, stop referring to him as your boyfriend. Last question
is from Tephra and Tephra says, hey Mark absolutely love how concise you are in your videos rather
than just rambling on about a scenario. Shall try not to ramble for you, Tephra I want to
know it, does initiating texts to either guy or girl hold any significance or importance?
I know you didn't talk about that in this video. Some people get flustered over the
fact that a guy or girl doesn't initiate and in concern, they aren't interested. I think
initiating should be equal, but it's not always the case. I shall continue my Mark Rosenfeld
binge. Thank you, Tephra first off for the question and second of all for bingeing on
my content, you rock.
Let's go on to the question. Does it matter who initiates? Yes, it does in a broad context
and the reason is the dynamic you set in your dating will become the dynamic you sit in
your relationship and eventually your marriage. If one of your friends was continuing to invest
in a guy who wasn't investing in her, what would you tell that friend? You tell her to
ship up, go find another guy who's going to invest in you, right? Basically the same stuff
I tell you, but remember this advice also applies to men. What do you think of a man
who constantly invests in a woman who doesn't invest back in him? He's needy. He's full
on, he's a bit much. Sometimes he gets the girl, but the relationship dynamic has then
been set in a certain way. Things aren't balanced. Reciprocation isn't even. He's doing more
work. He's constantly probably going to be the one that feels insecure. Things are not
as they should be and the balance is off and that's gonna affect the rest of their relationship.
And this is something, this is something you practice early in dating. That you've got
to get right from the get go.
I have some women, some clients who are more towards the anxious side of the spectrum.
Their tendency is more to invest in men who aren't investing in them, so they tend to
do more of the investment. And for those clients, I usually say, let him come to you. Let the
guy invest, filter in men who will invest a little more, so it's closer to 50-50, and
it'll swing. You'll have days and weeks where it's more like 70-30. Um, but it should never
swing that much. But as I have clients who are more on the avoidant side of the spectrum
and they're the ones that always want the men to come to them, the men should do all
the work and I actually get those clients doing vulnerability exercises.
I want them texting guys more. I want them showing more interest in men. I want them
investing in men more and risking rejection more because a lot of those clients are so
ready to drop a guy and expecting men to do all the work that they actually attract guys,
those types of men we talked about who have no self-respect and who are just chasing women
who aren't chasing them. You want to get near the middle and you definitely don't want to
be gamey about it, but there's always a feel, there's always that time where you go, okay,
this person's, you know, I asked this person out, he didn't respond. Now kind of the ball's
in his court. It's his turn to invest to get me back. And maybe there's, there's other
times where, Hey, I have rejected him a couple of times. Okay. It's really my turn to ask
him how his day was, see how he's going. Maybe give him a call or ask him to hang out this
weekend.
There's a natural balance that foams and you definitely don't want to be gamey about it,
but you do want to have self-respect to invest in men who are investing in you, but also
the vulnerability sometimes. And if you're in the habit of letting, always letting men
come to you, the vulnerability to invest in a guy and put yourself on the line. Cause
if you're not, if you're not vulnerable at all and you refuse to invest in men at all,
essentially what you're doing is putting walls up so that you don't get rejected, and when
you put walls up, men are going to want to instinctively put walls up too cause no one
wants to be vulnerable, no one wants to risk it. No one wants to risk rejection.
So yes, to answer your question, great question Tephra absolutely. It should be a rough balance
and it's going to swing slightly either way. And you know, if you're more on the anxious
side where you tend to text guys more, you're better off earring towards letting them come
to you if you're unsure. Whereas if you're more on the avoidant side, if you're more
like no, I tend to have an instinct to run, I tend to let men come to me. You're better
off being a bit more vulnerable and going to men a bit more and that's Ask Mark. Thank
you for watching. I hope you enjoyed today's video. This is a fun one to film some really
interesting and thought-provoking questions that I make sure you subscribe, subscribe,
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