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You can't afford to not be good at this.
You're dependent on your job as a leader to get other people to take actions.
You need to be skilled in relationships, in influence and communication.
There's no getting around it.
So it gets labeled as soft skills but it's really a hard business driver.
And there's hard science underneath it that we understand how it works.
So it's not just soft.
It's a critical piece of being an effective communicator.
People talk about executive presence or having a presence.
And most people think it's something that you're born with or that person just has.
It turns out, it's just a set of behaviors if presence is something that you do.
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There's a set of behaviors that I like to encapsulate down to about five points on
either side of that equation.
On the authoritative side there is slowness,
in how you move and how you speak.
Stillness, just being very still like right now.
I'm not moving my head very much at all.
That's a choice, normally I have a little bit more motion in me.
So, stillness.
Silence Is very powerful, and
if you can be comfortable in silence, then you can use that to be more authoritative.
Symmetry has to do with do I slant a little, or
does my head go off to the side.
I would say this is a little less authoritative, than what this is.
And then space.
What space do you own?
And can I reach out and touch someone's shoulder or
shake their hand and make that first move to invade their space.
Those are all on the authoritative side.
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So on the other side with approachable, there are five Fs.
And that is filling space.
If you can't let a silence happen, that's more approachable.
If you speak or move fast,
you're usually trying to get all your words in before you get interrupted.
That's not a place of power.
You know that you don't have the control to talk so
you try to get everything in all in one space.
The next one is folded.
And that's where you're folding your body, like crossing your arms,
crossing your legs is all a way of sort of protecting yourself and closing in.
It's a little more approachable.
And even just that, sort of, twisting on one foot,
or crossing one leg over the other, is a little closer together.
And it's related to fidgeting, so if you do that and the motion keeps happening,
that also gets very close to what flirting is.
And there's a lot of little gestures and motions that we do that are flirting,
including making and breaking eye contact is more flirtatious.
And the last one is about giving space.
You allow people into your space.
You invite people to take your space.
So those are all of the characteristics of being on the approachable side.
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The first thing is awareness and you have that if you're asking the question.
And the second thing is to just look at yourself, just start to observe.
How do I act in different situations and how do other people act?
Often I talk to students and they want some coaching because they're ready for
a promotion.
They want to move up into that partner position or into the next level.
And I always tell them to observe and
report on how do those people act behave, verbally, non verbally.
Because you need to act in that same way and
what got you to where you are isn't what will get you to the next stage,
but you have a perfect opportunity to just observe.
So that's the first place and the second place is to try and
make some change, any change and practice it.
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Improvisational acting or any acting class from community
theater to a professional school hones and works on these tools.
They're also really fun to do, it's a fun place to play and
many people are afraid of going to do it.
And those classes are some of the safest places in the world.
Because to do that work you have to create a really safe space for people to take
some risks and try to show up in different ways than they normally are.
So their people are very skilled and the groups that are there are very supportive.
So in most cases people come in a little afraid and
leave just elated because it's so much fun.
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It starts with the fact that acting is not pretending.
Most people think it is.
And if you see actors that are not great in film and
TV, they are the ones that are pretending.
Acting is about finding a truthful place.
So when you see a really good actor,
you're seeing how would that person actually show up in that setting.
So if it's a dangerous setting and scary things are happening,
you're seeing that person react in the way they show up as a scared person.
And when we see that, it's really believable, because it's authentic.
Authentic means in tune with the emotional state that you're actually in,
and not something separate.
So an example of that would be if I try to put on mad for you.
I think this doesn't really look mad.
It looks kind of cartoonish.
It's like when you ask a small child to show me your mad face.
It's not really mad.
It's a mask that they're putting on.
When you're really authentically mad,
you show up in a way that it's clear that you're communicating that emotion.
That's what authentic is.
Everyone can be authentically authoritative or
authentically approachable, anywhere along this range.
They will do it slightly differently.
My authentic authority, my authentic powerful is different than yours,
which is different than everyone else that is out there.
But it's truthful, and if it's truthful, then we believe it and
it's really part of you.
So acting is not about putting on the mask or the costume or the character,
it's about finding the truthful place and bringing that out.
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Before you walk into the room, you could put on these gestures and these poses.
You can do it by yourself, you can go to the restroom and do it.
You can do it in the elevator on the way up or around the corner.
Expanding your body, saying your speech or a few lines to yourself
using the slow and low tones if that's how you want to show up.
And by doing that preparation, it changes you inside and
it will carry over into the meeting and that sets you up for success.
You can start that before you leave the house.
So I have a couple of playlists that are ultimate, epic movie soundtracks that
are the important themes from superhero movies, and I start listening to that.
And I know what's going on.
I know I am tricking myself and it still works every time.
And I laugh at myself noticing that it's working and
then I really feel the emotions.
And so
today I had a lecture before I came in on the car, I was listening to that music.
And behind the scenes backstage before I stepped onto the stage,
I had the music on and I raised my arms.
I'm in the back in the green room, nobody's around and
even if they are, I don't care.
But using all those techniques to get my body ready,
to think about how good it's going to go.
And then, I walk on stage very confident, full of the way I want to show up.
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Once you know, if you are aware enough to notice it's going on in you,
you are aware enough to then make a change.
And if it's going poorly, almost any change you make will make it better.
If you notice that you're babbling a little and you're going on too much or
talking too fast, as soon as you do, stop and
take a pause, take a breath, get a drink of water.
Even say, just a second, I want to check my notes on this before I continue.
And make them wait, and it gives you a chance to breath and to stop and to reset.
So you can do that at any point,
from boardrooms to audiences in theaters, they all are the same.
There's a piece of them that will allow for
you to be a human being and to show up in that way.
And even in a aggressive negotiation meeting with someone,
they'll allow for you to do show up and stop and pause and recover.
It will not stop the meeting.
It feels that way sometimes, but I think you can always stop and reset.
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If I just start smiling a little more, you're going to start smiling,
and we're going to start mirroring back and forth.
And if I stop doing it, it will pull you a little that way.
You can watch in any room the wave of crossed legs and
uncrossed legs happen as we all get in sync in resonance.
So we are always reacting to each other and the reality is
we're all improvising our days, that's why it's also a really useful tool.
Because nobody gets up and
gets a script, well actors do, but nobody gets a script for their day.
We are all making it up all the time we are all reacting to
everything that's going on.
I think what we're talking about in the work that I do is being more aware of it,
being more comfortable to make more choices.
Reading the room, and making choices about how we want to react.
When it's important,
when it's meaningful and when we want to do it in service of others.
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