>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE.
AND STAY HUMAN.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HELLO.
JON, YOU GOT TWO GREAT GUESTS TOPTD, JON BERNTHAL FROM THE OWN
THIS CITY ON HBO AND ALTON BROWN IS GOINGS TO BE OUT HERE TONIGHT
TO TALK TO US ABOUT-- .
>> Jon: SOME INDIVIDUALELS.
>> Stephen: COOKING AND STUFF SO THE PEOPLE OUT THERE DON'T
KNOW, BECAUSE THEY ARE WATCHING US AT 11:235 OR ON THEIR DVR
TOMORROW OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THEY DON'T KNOW WE DID THE SHOW A LITTLE BIT EARLY TODAY.
WE MOVED THE SHOAP YOU SHOW UP.
WE ARE DOING THE SHOW AT DAWN, DAWN, ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE
FARMERS.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW WE ARE DOING THIS A LITTLE BIT EARLY SO YOU
CAN GET OVER TO THE MET BALL.
I JUST GOT OFF-- I'M CURIOUS.
>> Jon: I'M GOING OVER THERE, HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S FANCY.
>> Jon: IT SEEMS VERY FANCY.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO SAY, HAS ANYBODY IN THE BAND HAD
THE COVID?
WHO HAS HAD THE COVID.
NO HIPA VIOLATION HERE BUT I JUST, I GOT TO SAY, EVEN VACS
AND BOOSTED, NOT FUN.
REALLY, PLEASE G GET VACS AND BOOSTED OUT THERE IF YOU
HAVEN'T.
EVERYBODY WATCHING PLEASE GO GET IT BECAUSE IT IS A NOT A
PLEASANT EXPERIENCE, IT'S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY.
AND I'M SO SORRY MY FRIEND JIMMY HAS IT TOO.
>> AND HERE IS THE THING.
WE DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY THAT EVIE HAD IT TOO.
WE WERE BOTH JUST AT HOME T BAS KIND OF SWEET, ACTUALLY, WE WERE
FORCED NESTING.
>> GOTA LOT OF STUFF OFF THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
I WAS ON PAXLOVID AND THE HONEY DO LIST THE ITS ENTIRE WEEK.
ANYWAY GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN.
(APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW FOLKS, HAVE FUN
TONIGHT, HAVE FUN.
>> Jon: OH YEAH,.
>> Stephen: SAY I HAD TO ANNA FOR ME.
>> Stephen: KIDS.
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
AND IT'S OUR JOB AS GROWN-UPS TO TEACH THEM, OR THEY WILL BE
FERAL ANIMALS AND NO ONE WILL WANT THEM AROUND.
BUT ANY PARENT WILL TELL YOU, IT'S NOT EASY SPENDING ALL YOUR
TIME ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM KIDS.
THAT'S WHY I STARTED A SEGMENT ON THE SHOW WHERE I DO IT FOR
YOU.
WE'VE HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH THE NAME.
FIRST IT WAS CALLED, "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS."
THEN WE TRIED "STEPHEN'S RE-EDUCATION CAMP."
AND THEN, "STEPHEN COLBERT IS WATCHING YOUR CHILDREN."
OBVIOUSLY THOSE WERE NOT GOOD -- SO I ASKED MY GRAPHICS TEAM TO
COME UP WITH A NEW TITLE, AND I WAS VERY CLEAR THAT IT SHOULD
NOT IMPLY I'M TAKING ANYONE'S KIDS.
OR WATCHING YOUR KIDS.
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
SO IT'S NOW TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF:
>> STEPHEN GUNT S STEPHEN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
>> Stephen, NO THAT THAT IS EXACTLY THE OPSZ OF WHAT I AM
TRYING TO CONVEY. HI KID, I'M STEPHEN, HAVE I ALL THE ANSWERS
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, HOW?
I WENT TO SOME PLAY CALLED COLLEGE, THAT IS WHERE PEOPLE GO
TO GET VERY SMART.
AND WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE I MAJORED IN THEATER SO I COULD
ALWAYS ACT LIKE I KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
WHO HAS ITS FIRST QUESTION.
>> WHY ARE YOU FUNNY.
>> Stephen: I GUESS BECAUSE OF MY JOKES, OBSERVATION AND
WITTICISM BUT TO PEEMENT YOUR AGE I'M FUNNY BECAUSE I CAN DO
THIS.
THAT WAS A WET ONE.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> HI, STEPHEN.
I'M ERA HOW DO YOU.
>> I'M STEPHEN.
>> MOST PEOPLE GROW VERTICALLY UNTIL THEY REACH THEIR LATE 30S
THEN THEY GROW HORIZONTALLY.
FOR MORE LET'S CONSULTS AN EXPERT IN GROWING.
>> IN MY EXPERIENCE GROWTH REQUIRES ACCEPTING YOURSELF FOR
WHO YOU ARE AND ACKNOWLEDGING EVEN THE WORST PARTS OF IMRUR
SELF.
SO YOU CAN PROGRESS TOWARD ITS PERSON YOU WANT TO BE.
BUT THAT IS EMOTIONAL GROWTHS.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PHYSICAL GROWTH.
ONE DAY I WOKE UP AND I WAS JUST SEVEN FOOT 2.
HOPE THAT HELPS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU PROFESSOR ABDUL JABAR,
ENLIGHTERNING AS ALWAYS.
NEXT QUESTION.
>>-- .
>> Jon: YOU DON'T MAKE THEM, YOU CATCH THEM.
YOU KNOW HOW IN THE REAL WORLD WHEN WE USE BORMS TO CATCH FISH,
IN THE GUMMI WORLD YOU DO THE OPPOSITE.
LOOK, YOU CAN JUST NEED A HOMEMADE TRAP WITH THE SWEDISH
FISH AND THEN WAIT A FEW MINUTES.
AND NOW YOU EAT IT.
HAR HA.
WHO'S NEXT.
>>-- .
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GREATS TWO PART QUESTION.
I THINK THE BEST PERSON TO ANSWER BOTH OF THOSE IS SONY THE
CARTOON SUN, SUNNY?
>> HEY THERE AIDEN, GREAT QUESTIONS.
I WAS CREATED 4.6 BILLION YEARS AGO WHEN A CLOUD OF GAS AND DUST
BEGAN TO COLLAPSE RESULTING IN NUCLEAR FUSION.
AND NOW I'M BURNING ALIVE UNTIL THE DAY I VENT ALLLY RUN OUT OF
FUEL AND EXPAND SO WIDE THAT I ENGULF THE EARTH AND DESTROY
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE HE EVER KNOWN.
BUT AS A CARTOON, I'M ACTUALLY JUST A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES
SHOWN IN RAPID SUCCESSION TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF MOVEMENT.
SO ON ONE HAND I'M BEING CONSUMED BY ENDLESS BURNING HOT
PAIN.
ON THE OTHER, NONE OF THIS IS REAL AND MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS
A LIE.
EITHER WAY, PLEASE HELP ME!
>> Stephen: THANKS, SUNNY.
HANG IN THERE.
NEXT.
>> CAN YOU DO THIS?
>> Stephen: NO, BUT CAN YOU DO THIS?
OKAY, I HOPE THAT ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS, AND PARENTS, IF
YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO SOCIAL
MEDIAIA WITH A HASHTAG COLBERT'S KID QUESTIONS AND WE JUST MIGHT
FEATURE IT IN OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF.
>> STEPHEN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JON BERNTHAL.