﻿10 Red Flags In Women You Should NEVER Ignore [0:00:00]
So, I’m going to start this video off a little bit different. Stay with me, there is a payoff.
The Justin Bieber song, Love Yourself, there’s a part of the song that goes, “My mama don’t like
you and she likes everyone. And I never like to admit that I was wrong. And I got so caught up
in my job, I didn’t see what was going on. But now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own.”
Now, as you can probably tell, I don’t have a future as a singer. But,
I’d like to think I can spot good lyrics. And, it turns out Justin Bieber didn’t write that song.
Ed Sheeran wrote that song. Ed Sheeran is one of the better songwriters out there.
And, what I love is that he’s speaking the truth because so many times in our lives we get busy
with life and we don’t even see what’s going on in the relationship and those around us do.
That, gentlemen, is the first red flag that you need to watch out for. When you’ve got people that
love you that care for you, your parents, your friends, and they are saying this relationship
you’re in, I don’t think this is good for you. Okay. One person says it, one person is a Debbie
Downer, she always says bad things. Okay, your ex, yeah, probably don’t listen to her. But,
if you’ve got two or three who aren’t talking to each other, who all have met your girlfriend and
were pointing out that this relationship is not a healthy one, I’m like why are you with her,
it doesn’t sound like a good fit. These are people that care about you. And,
again, you’re hearing this from multiple points, you may want to reevaluate the relationship.
In today’s video, gents, I’m talking about relationship red flags that you
do not want to ignore. [Music]
So, these next four red flags are of Professor John Gottman over at the University of Washington
calls the four horsemen of an apocalyptic relationship.
First up, we’ve got criticism. And there’s a big difference between criticism and a complaint.
So, you’re a bit late and she’s upset because you came home and you didn’t let her know where
you were. And she says, “Hey, I was just worried about you. I stayed up, you didn’t let me know
what was going on. You know, please don’t do this. I care about you.” That is a complaint.
Criticism is when all of a sudden you walk in and they say, “You always
do this. You are so selfish.” It’s much more extreme. Can you see basically they’re saying
that this is who you are, that this is the way you’re always and they’re just attacking you.
A complaint, it’s like, hey, they’re just wanting to express their feelings
to help you understand their position. The next horseman is contempt. And this is very
different than criticism because with contempt, the person has a level of moral superiority.
They feel that they are in the right, that they are better, and they are going to degrade you,
they’re going to push down, they’re going to look down, they’re going to roll their eyes.
They are going to look at you in disgust. And this is – this is tough because both
parties could be in the wrong here. Yes, you came home from work and you’re tired
and you’re sitting on the couch and you just want to play your video games.
And she looks to you, she’s like, “You know, this is disgusting. You know, I don’t need
another kid here. I’ve been running the house all day dealing with everything going on
and here you are you’re just sitting down. You know this, you’re pathetic.”
That right there is contempt. And unfortunately, this happens and it
creeps into long term relationships, short term relationships, and marriages and it’s
the number one predictor of divorce. The third horseman a.k.a. red flag is
defensiveness. This is actually pretty normal especially when you’re being criticized when
you’re being attacked. Yes, you forgot to call and to set up the doctor’s appointment for
your son next week and now, it’s going to go two weeks out because you’ve lost some time.
You know what? Don’t say, “Hey, I was busy at work. You knew I was busy at work,
I had all those appointments. Why didn’t you do it?” That’s the wrong way to approach it,
because it’s just going to make them defensive and all of a sudden you’re going to go into a fight.
A better way is just simply say, “You’re right. I’m sorry, my fault here,
my bad. Let’s do what we can to fix the problem.” It’s tough to do this especially
when you feel that you – you had a tough day. But, this right here, again, if you are always
falling into these defensive positions, both of you, it’s a red flag for the relationship.
And the fourth horseman, stonewall. This is when you simply ignore. You shut down.
They are showing contempt they’re calling you pathetic, and guess what? You just simply
ignore them. You’re just like, okay, whatever, do your thing, I’m just going to, you know,
it’s like literally unless they start attacking you and hitting you, you’re not going to react.
They can be, yeah, yelling, whatever, you know. This right here is not a good thing and is a
serious red flag. And if this is happening in your relationship, you need to work this out,
otherwise the relationship is doomed. Now, this next red flag seems obvious in
retrospect, but a lot of people don’t see it when it’s right in front of them and that is
when their partner is hiding things from them. Now, how much transparency you’re going to have
in your relationship? That’s totally between you and your partner. But, if you find the
transparency levels that you used to have are regressing, this could be a sign of an issue.
When she’s on her phone or computer, she’s tilting it in a way, so you can’t see what’s
she’s doing when previously this wouldn’t have been an issue. All of these could be signs.
That being said, gents, this goes both ways. I mean, imagine what’s going through her mind,
all of a sudden she’s interested in having a little bit of fun and you say, “No, babe, that’s
fine, I’m just tired. I had a tough day at work.” [0:05:00]
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The next red flag, she doesn’t apologize ever. It’s somehow never her fault. She doesn’t ever
have anything to blame, she’s perfect. Oh, I’m sorry that you feel that way. That’s not apology,
guys. And, yes, you may make a lot of mistakes and you may be
wrong majority of the time. Come on, we’re guys. But, she is going to make some mistakes. If she –
if she’s human being, she is going to trip up and she should occasionally apologize. If she is never
apologizing, if she’s always pushing the blame on other things, understand that that is a red
flag you need to be careful of because you’ve got someone that has an issue.
Next up, she has absolutely no self-esteem. Okay, initially when you started dating, you felt,
okay, you know, she needs to build this up. In fact, you have been working to help build up her
self-esteem because she’s beautiful, she’s great. But, here is the thing, somebody has to first
love themselves before they can really love other people. Because if doesn’t love herself and if she
doesn’t have any of that self-esteem any of that self-love, this isn’t something you can give,
something that you can – you can work to try to build up. But, you’ve got to be aware
that this could be a red flag again and again if she absolutely has nothing.
If she just doesn’t believe in herself, this may be a project that you don’t want to, yeah,
I mean, again, I’m not telling you what you need to do in your relationship, I’m wanting you to
be aware that this is a flag that has not gone away for years, it may be something
that this relationship may not work out. She’s got her ex on speed dial. In my opinion,
once you break up with somebody, I don’t really think you should continue to have
a great relationship with them. There are certain situations, maybe it’s a childhood
friend and your families are inter link. So, you’re going to see this person
that dated. With my wife, actually, a guy that she dated before me lives in the same apartment as
her brother-in-law and sister and they are friends. So, in this case, I will
occasionally every like five years see this guy. But, here’s the thing, she shouldn’t be having a
relationship and engaging with this person that she previously had a rela – at least,
I don’t think so. Agree? Disagree? Let me know down in the comments.
But, for me, this is a huge red flag if they are maintaining a
strong relationship with somebody that they were in a relationship previously with.
The next red flag, if you’re having a bad day, if she is always having a worse day.
She is always making it about herself. You know, you don’t complain very often, but when you do,
she seems to always like want to one up you on this and complain.
Here’s the thing is, yes, we want someone that we can commiserate with. I know
a lot of relationships I’ve been in and the one I’m currently in, you know, with my wife,
sometimes she just wants to complain and have somebody that will listen to her complaints.
And I’ve learned to accept that she doesn’t want me to fix the complaints and this is actually
been a very tough thing for me to accept is I just have to listen, but it goes both ways
because sometimes I have tough days. I’ve got a bad day at work and I just complain to her.
I don’t even know I’m doing it and she’s pointed out, yes, you do this sometimes.
And that’s nice that you’ve got someone that will listen to you. But, if you’ve
got somebody that doesn’t want to listen to you, they just simply want to one up you. You want to
complain about how bad it was at work and they want to say, oh, well, that I can beat that.
And this is their constant response, this is not a good relationship where it’s going to be something
that’s going to become a red flag. It should be red flag now and if it’s not,
it should be something that you want to be aware of and, yeah, may not be good for the
long term health of that relationship. The next red flag, you’re growing in
different directions or one of you isn’t growing at all. So, I have a good friend,
him and his wife divorced within five years. Why? Because she actually outgrew him and it came down
to he was very happy with his factory job. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. But I am
saying for her, it became something that she was not happy with. She has aspirations. She wanted to
travel the world. She went back to college and she got a better job. Actually got two advancements,
found a new company. [0:10:05]
And all of a sudden, she realized she’s married to this guy and they had a couple of kids together
that she just didn’t have much in common with. They grew apart because he stopped growing
mentally. I mean, I must say he’s a nice guy, but he just simply was happy with where he was at.
You got to be careful in a relationship because if one person is going in a very different direction,
which seems to happen a lot in relationships that have been established for 10 years,
20 years. You find that the couple just wakes up and they realize they’re very different
people and they haven’t grown together. I’m not saying that you always have to grow
together, but I am saying that it is something that if you do grow apart, it becomes much more
difficult to maintain that relationship. The next red flag, she thinks she’s a
contestant on The Bachelorette and she’s testing you. Now, I’ve read a lot about this
on the online dating world and it seems like there are certain people out there
that they like to test their potential partner. And, I get this because I mean, we’re tested to
work for a company to get into a college, so it makes sense that you would want to test the person
you’re dating. But, if they’re doing this again and again, if it’s coming off as manipulative
and this doesn’t have an end in sight, you got to ask what am I signed up for?
Now, if you signed up because you want to be tested, you want someone that keeps you
on your toes, I guess go for it. But, I know for me I got into relationships a long term
one because I wanted to build my life with somebody, not be tested again and again.
I’m not saying that testing isn’t a good thing and it probably is worth, but, you know,
finding out what that person is made of. But, I think that going and living a life with somebody
and building that life is test enough. I don’t need to set up these random tests
to see if they’re going to cheat on me or if they’re going to, you know,
how they’re going to react in this situation. So, for me, I didn’t – I know I didn’t sign up
to be on any reality show, I wanted to build a life with somebody. And make sure, again,
that you’re aligned with this because if they’re constantly testing you,
it may be a red flag this relationship isn’t what you think it’s going to be.
Now, this next red flag is probably going to get me some flack and let me know if you disagree down
in the comments. But, she cheated on somebody to be with you. To me, this is something that
I mean, so my wife was dating somebody before we started dating, actually, when I showed interest.
But, she actually had the good sense to say, “Hey, I broke up with my boyfriend,” and then
we started dating. And I was pretty clear about that. We didn’t break any boundaries. I do think
that there needs to be respect between people. I may be a little bit old-fashioned and, again,
if you disagree, let me know down in the comments. But, I think that if somebody is going to cheat on
somebody else, chances are they’re likely to cheat on you if they find something better.
All right, gentlemen, so what video to watch next? How about the items that you can wear
that will make you irresistible? Seriously, you wear these items, she will want to touch you.
Find out what they are in this video right here, gents. And, by the way, I’ll link to
it down in the description. [0:12:44] End of audio