There's a lot of different opinions about this. Have you been wondering how
to find peace after a divorce? Is it even possible? Peace? Yeah, absolutely that is
totally doable. -No, I don't think so.
Peace, really? I don't think that's very possible. This is a divorce. You've got to
find a way to make this fester and boil inside of you. Okay, you want to create
some peace, right? Because this hard thing has happened. And a lot of people, it
knocks them out. It doesn't have to. Because there are some steps that you
can take to actually create peace in your world. One of the first things that
you want to do is get your mind out of that fight-or-flight mode that always
happens when we get hurt. This is a natural reaction that your brain has to
something that's threatening or painful. Fight-or-flight. Instead, we want to get
that brain back into thinking mode. Where we use the prefrontal part of our brain
that's in charge of logic and reason and problem-solving. And also some important
things like compassion and empathy. You enact that part of your brain and
suddenly you've got the resources now to handle this thing differently. Now, the
first thing that we want to do as we get out of fight-or-flight mode is to
reframe or think about this experience in a way that allows you to take it less
personally. -You were legitimately hurt. Don't forget about that. And take this
personally. This is all about you. It's about how you messed up, how you failed
in this relationship. I mean, let that thing bug you for a while. You can't let
them have the satisfaction. You really want to drive the point home. That this
has ruined your life. And you want your ex to be responsible that for this
forever. You want to blame them, right? Realize that your experience here is
extraordinary. Nobody has it as bad as you. This is the worst. Take it very
personally. This is all about you. -What kind of people go through a divorce?
I'm here to tell you. Really good people end up in this situation. It's not about
you. It's not about you failing or blowing it in any way. Really good people
who are trying to do the right things. Sometimes end up in this kind of a
setting. Now, can you handle this? Yeah. You absolutely can. Just like a lot of other
good people who have been there before you. So, when you get out of that
fight-or-flight mode and you're able to look at this in a way that you take it
less personally. Here's one way you might want to do that. What if instead of you,
instead of your situation, you were to trade places with me in my situation or
my wife and her situation, okay? We have the best marriage that I know of. So,
you're going to trade places with me. Now, I'm in your place, you're in my place or
in my wife's place. What happens? Well, probably some of the same things are
going to happen because in your world with your circumstances, I'm going to
experience something very similar to what you've experienced. That's just how
it rolls. Now, might I handle things differently
than you would? Well, I don't know. If I were you people ask me this all the time.
"Dr. Paul, if you were me, what would you do?" If I were you I'd do what you do.
Isn't that obvious? Your circumstances, your history, everything that you have
has led you up to where you are. And that's fine.
In fact, it's perfect for you. If I were in your place, I'd do what you do. If you
were in my place, you'd do what I do. Taking it less personally actually put
you in a position where you can do some of the other steps that we can still
talk about. -Okay, okay. We've got to get clear about this. This is not your fault.
That nasty ex of yours has ruined your life. And if you blame them,
if you really take that position and make
sure that you know, this isn't me. Ooh! look at that person who ruined my life.
Blame them. Blame them for how you feel. Blame them for how your life is now,
blame them for everything bad that's ever going to happen in your life from
here on out. That's how you handle this. Look, if you're going to hold a really good
grievance about this, you have to blame them. I don't know how you were ever
deceived into a relationship with this person in the first place. Probably
because they're a borderline, narcissistic, master manipulator. Wow,
that gives a lot of power to your ex. Are you sure you want to do that? I'm
thinking instead of blaming, what have we just own it. What if we just own our
part. So, this step has to do with take full responsibility for how you feel.
Notice, I'm not trying to hang everything on you. And it's not about blame. Taking
responsibility for how you feel has nothing to do with blame or fault. It is
simply acknowledging that you're never wrong about how you feel. How you feel is
100% consistent with the way your own mind is doing the processes of
evaluation and creation. You can learn about that in another video. About how to
stay positive no matter what. You're never wrong about how you feel. How
you're processing this is driving your feelings. Well, what does that have to do
with your ex? Well, we're really not much at all. They're an actor, they're part of
this whole story. But how you're handling it has more to do with how you feel.
Now, this can sting a little bit at first. Because it's so easy to you know, blame
that nasty ex. Who by the way, they're not as nasty as they seem.
Honestly. I have found through my experience in working with divorce, child
custody, clinical psychology. The divorce brings out the
worst in people. Unfortunately, that's probably true for you too. So, watch out
for it. But this person that you're divorcing, probably is a much better
person than they seemed to be during the divorce. I saw that time and time again
as I interviewed people. In fact, you know what? During child custody evaluations,
I'd have the mom come in. And she started telling me these stories about her ex.
Master manipulator, pathological liar. I'd heard all of these all the time. And
I'm like, "Really? there are that many master manipulator, pathological liar,
borderline personality people out there?" No. It's the divorce brings out the worst
in them and so that's how they described them in the interview. By the end of the
interview, I'm like, "Man, I hate this person." Right? But then the other parent
would come in. A few days later and they start telling me about this terrible,
psychologically, disturbed ex that they have. And I'm like, "Wow. I hate that person
too." The thing is both people are really decent people. I know that your
circumstances seem extraordinary. And they are for you. I want you to have a
bigger larger perspective of this. That in the larger scheme of things, you're
not a special case. This stuff happens and it happens to good people. So, as you
start to reframe that in a way that allows you to take it less personally
and then you move to this particular step which is where you take full
responsibility for how you feel and stop blaming that other person. It puts you in
a position of power. -Alright guys, so listen up. Here's how we seal the deal.
And form a grievance that can last forever. What you got to do is create a
story. Not just any story. This is a story where that evil, villain ex of yours is
the nasty villain and you are the poor pitiful victim in this story. It's not
your fault. They're the ones who beat you up so you
create this story. And it's got to take on a life of its own.
You know, where you continue to build it and grow and you share it with anybody
who will listen. A victims story. If you'll do these things, you can create a
grievance, a grudge, this nasty thing that will live on forever. And it will cause
you to be in a place where people might take pity on you.
They'll look at you and say, "Oh, it's not it's not his fault, really. I mean look at
all this terrible stuff that happened to him." This works and it works really well.
A victim story? Really? Is that the story you want to promote? Picture if you're
driving up to the great premiere of your life story in the red carpet in the
theater and your name up in lights, right? And if you're driving up to the theater,
you see this sign. It says, "Paul's life. Starring his ex." Whoa! Hold on. Who is the
star of this show? Do you really want to be the pitiful victim? Or do you want to
be the hero of this show? It's your show. yYou're the casting director. What if we
ditch the victim story. And instead, we install a hero story. Whose names on the
marquee? Yours is. Where's your ex? Well, how about we put them in the credits
somewhere. You know, the end credits that nobody really sticks around to watch
anyway. They're part of the show, they're relevant but really, a villain in any
story is only there to illuminate the hero. I'm not seeing your ex as a villain.
Your ex is probably a really amazing human being that you chose on purpose at
one point. You didn't make a mistake, he chose well. Let's get back to where
they can play the role that they're going to play. Whatever they did is fine for
this story. But they get to show up in the end
credits. Not on the title marquee. You're with me? So, this hero story is all about
you and it's about how you have encountered some difficult things and
despite that, you stuck to your principles. You continue to practice
integrity in your own life and you came through this a better person than you
were going into it. That's an inspiring hero story. I tell
you what. If you follow these 3 steps where you turn your brain back on, find a
way to take this less personally, take full responsibility for how you feel and
create a hero story, you can and will create and experience that peace that
you've been longing for, totally doable. And it doesn't matter what your ex does.
They're just going to go do their ex-ly thing. You know, whatever that is for you.
It doesn't matter. Because you've got this. And you can create this on purpose.
Well, you've heard the two arguments. Pick a position. Pick whichever one serves you
best. I think I know its direction you're going. I'll see you tomorrow.