- So anyways ...
we almost have our first kid in an Uber,
and despite that, our second baby
was born in the lobby of our apartment building.
(audience laughing)
Guys, I know you're judging me right now.
Like, how could you have your baby born
in the lobby of your apartment building
after what happened last time?
But we were on our toes
based on what had happened last time.
And once again, the contractions started,
we didn't wait a second, we didn't call the doctor.
We went downstairs into our lobby
and we started walking out to the car,
and all of a sudden, at the door,
my wife stopped and turned to me
and said, "The baby is here."
(audience laughing)
Subtle.
Nuanced.
From the people who brought you, "I do not like this."
(audience laughing)
"The baby is here."
(audience cheering)
And so, once again, I go to my old standby of mansplaining.
(audience laughing)
Which, if you ladies forgot ...
(audience laughing)
is when a man using no shared experience
and says to his wife, "The baby is not here.
(audience laughing)
"You only think the baby is here.
"We have more than enough time to make it to the hospital.
"Take it from me, a man who has also had a baby
"out of his vagina."
(audience laughing)
And my wife looks back at me and says, "The baby is here."
And I look down, and the only way to describe what I saw,
it looked like my wife was trying to smuggle a baby
in a pair of sweatpants.
(audience laughing)
It was like, "Oh, that can only be one thing!"
(audience laughing)
It was like a velour boa constrictor ate a baby.
(audience laughing)
And so then my wife doubles back,
and I would describe her gait as the way you would walk
if you had a wet grocery bag full of oranges,
like, "Okay!
"Where ...
"Would love to find a place to put this down.
"If there was anywhere to put this down."
And we basically had two choices
of where to go at that point.
We could either get back on the elevator or go to the lobby.
Terrible options ...
if what you want is a hospital.
Neither of those are even close to hospital.
That would be like if you said to someone,
"Hey, do you have an iPhone charger I can borrow?"
And they said, "No, but I have a grapefruit and a sombrero."
(audience laughing)
You would say, "Just fuckin' say no."
(audience laughing)
So my wife chooses lobby, and my wife goes down,
and she lies on her back in the lobby,
and I cannot stress to you
how quickly she gave birth to our son.
I was on the phone with 911,
and this was the extent of my conversation with 911:
"We're about to have a baby.
"We're having a baby.
"We had a baby."
(audience laughing)
And let me tell you, it is very strange
to be on a 911 call that ends with the operator saying,
"Congratulations!"
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Almost never happens.
Almost unheard of.
You might be saying to yourself,
"Seth, you just told us that you watched
"the birth of your first child from a vantage point
"wherein you might actually have learned something
"that would be helpful in the birth of your second child.
"Hopefully you're about to tell us how helpful you were."
Sadly, I am not.
(audience laughing)
I stood with my back against the wall, mouth agape,
as my wife Lion King'd her own baby.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)