america america america america
america america did you see that in
america you'll see that in america
but i tell you one thing america america
y'all know
for me i don't mean to toot my own horn
in america but bernie mac's
a genius he got a to-do list
a address book and a section where i can
write my little reminder notes
like kill jordan it's like i got a
george foreman grill in my head and i
gotta drain the grease
if they keep it up i'm gonna lose my
mind oh i'm kidding
you just can't send your kids away
[Music]
america that's it i'm checking out
the boy is bad i mean unskilled
not even raw talent i didn't say he's my
sister kid right
yeah y'all know the story you know she's
on crack
just take a little time you might be a
late bloomer wrong one built overnight
[Music]
your computer wiz you never know lord
you know i do everything you ask
you can take the kids but you can't take
my babies
oh wow nut shot right
pocket even though it didn't happen to
me i can still feel it
the boy is young he got plenty of time
to heal
and they're doing tremendous things with
stem cells these days
here's christmas of yesteryear look at
it
pure as the driven snow now here's
christmas this year
not exactly the christmas photo i was
looking for
now
it gets away yes i do
these kids taking me through all that
it's just a pain in the ass
every time you know it's a kid around
your booty start hurting a kid around
somebody talk kitty close
oh my booty hurt someone kid somewhere
but it's oh
it's children when i was baby girl hey i
used to pray for a snow day
used to put a thermometer up to a light
so big mama thought i was burning up
i remember the time i wanted to be sick
and big mom put a thermometer
in the crack you know ever since then i
don't like nothing in my ass
you know what that felt real
good i mean not landed on my head no
now who said parenting is hard you just
got to know how to put it on autopilot
[Music]
did you hear that sounds like music to
my ears
take five jordan
take five take a nap take something
i hate my loved ones they
make me sick
i love you can you find it nowhere not
new york
huh cleveland huh l.a
you're so silly
[Music]
oh my god america is possible that elvis
is still alive
and it's also possible that michael
jackson ain't crazy her mama made this
little weak sweater for me and it makes
her happy just to see me in it so
here i am look at this what the
is this flip the bird i like to flip in
the bird
you know the problem with grandparents
they're cocky
i think they know everything they should
concentrate on buying presents
and pinching cheeks see every week
somebody's in my face talking about
bernie mac you can't say this bernie mac
you can't say that
how am i supposed to watch my words
what the hell is this
i can't eat but i see that's
i can't say i guess bernie mac can't say
whatever you want
i don't hear anybody crying america so
i'm letting it go
probably just overreacting america no
blood no harm so i'm
letting it go
[Music]
yeah you smell that america that's
burnt rubber that could have been my
head hair would have been missing
all right here all this right here
laying laying like that people you know
traffic jam stall like that they be
looking and nobody gonna get out and
help
sometimes a little fear is a good thing
where it get dangerous america
is when you let it control you back in
the day america
i'm telling you how to often go to
weasel and you're the weasel go pop
what do they think baby girl got zarz or
ebola
there's nothing wrong with that girl her
flesh is intact
it's hard to make friends with your
grandchild it's hard one last time you
made new friends
i think the last time i made friends was
uh 1978 his name was chauncey
bernie mac ain't no snob you can't be
friends with everybody you got to have
the right chemistry
you know how it is that's why y'all be
checking y'all call the idea on your
phone
who that all that back and forth took me
forever
make me itch
see in the old days when people got into
an argument we went out to the porch
but baby girl she walked right in the
middle of it
put herself in harm's way and tried to
solve other people's problems
like a little martin luther king turn
the tv off and do something with your
kids
because the rewards are immeasurable
[Music]
hey i love you you said nothing bad
used to be bugs rocks magics
books rocks magic and girls oh sure
jordan has little crushes before but
what used to be cute is becoming a
situation
the ball is like a raging hormone this
is what i call a predicament
so i gotta let him
[Music]
i'm sorry boys i'm so disgusted i don't
know what to do
bernie mac father has to punch out so
bernie mac entertainer
can get to work
[Music]
25 minutes how am i gonna get a massage
while my kids are missing for 25 minutes
you know something america it just hit
me
i spent all day trying to avoid those
kids thinking they'd stop me from
bringing my a-game
the funny thing is they gave me my ak
oh lord here it comes
bernie mac being sued negligence
you can say whatever the hell you want
to say about me call me up
you don't like me hell even say i ain't
funny
but don't call me the n-word negligence
i got to take action kick kid's ass like
an extra point
there's blood in the water
[Music]
all gone my facebook
tart
[Music]
tank yeah
and you know where there's dancing at a
party
a surprise party and you know who
deserves a surprise party
me i'll even act surprised
surprise
oh you think i'm some kind of old man
you think my best days behind me
maybe they are
trying to fight it only makes you look
foolish like fat elvis or a little
richer
i get time for that no
i gotta slow down the truth is i like
being old
i like my music i like my movies and i
truly like who the heck i am
come on give uncle birdies some birthday
sugar
i'm still here i may be a live thing but
i ain't dead yet
and even if it kills me i'm not going to
be replaced
no sub they ain't no substitute for
bernie
things are gonna get easier
[Applause]
[Music]
that's maybe the best birthday present
that is jersey
and that party in there listen to
america
people care about me yeah
sure they tried to play with the day but
that was just throw me off the scent
but the important thing my family didn't
forget about me after all
i gotta go listen
[Music]
singing my song
hey nobody better blow up my candles for
me
[Music]
[Applause]
women aren't funny your wife must have a
sense of humor
she's seen you naked oh
drop my cucumber do i call you or do i
just commit a crime
probably committing a crime would get me
to you quicker this is me my most
inviting
thank you and good night