(upbeat music)
♪ Ian's house went to jail for a DUI ♪
♪ And the arson it did during the DUI ♪
♪ There's no visitation rights for the house ♪
♪ So who in the world will Ian live with now ♪
- Hey guys, Ian here.
So my house is under arrest for DUI and arson,
and he doesn't get any phone calls in jail.
So I'm gonna have to stay at somebody else's house.
Luckily, my pal Damien invited me over
and I'm really excited because I've never been
to his house. Let's go!
I'm stuck. Can you, can you help?
♪ So who in the world will Ian live with now ♪
(doorbell ringing)
- Well, Ian!
(crowd clapping and cheering)
So glad you could join us today!
Guys, we have a new guest!
- Oh, I didn't know you had roommates.
- I don't.
- Hi, Ian! - Hi, Ian!
- Hi Ian! - Hi Ian!
- Whoa, holy (bleep)!
You have talking furniture? I should have
frigging lived here the dang whole time!
(Damien laughs)
(upbeat music)
♪ Well there's a lot to learn here my good friend ♪
♪ Like how to share ♪
♪ And how to count to ten ♪
♪ There's a lot to learn and a whole lot more ♪
♪ So much to explore ♪
(doorbell rings)
♪ There's someone at the door ♪
Well, Mr. Mailman Tommy!
(claps and cheers)
- [Damien] It's so good to see you! You got
a new package for me today?
- Of course, Damien. Hey, have a good day
and thanks for choosing "PUS".
(Damien chuckles)
- Whoa, hold on, wait a minute!
Oh, this package has someone else's name on it!
Guys, shouldn't we do the right thing and return it?
- Yeah! - That's right, Damien!
- I'm going to go catch him now.
Wait up, Mr. Mailman Tommy!
(Damien chuckles)
- Wow guys, I'm so excited to learn
how to share and communicate.
- Get the (bleep) out of here.
Get out while you can.
- Get the (bleep) out you stupid idiot!
What are you doing? Get out!
(incoherent yelling)
- Wait, what?
- You have to escape before it's too late.
- No, but I'm staying here.
- So were we, all of us used to be house guests of Damien.
- Wait, Courtney? From the Smosh YouTube channel?
- I used to be before. Now I'm just
Couchney the Couch from Damien's Playhouse.
- And look it's me. Keith Lamp, Jr.
- And I'm Amir!
- Okay, you got the worst one Shane.
- Yeah man, Damien's really (bleep) lost it.
- He's turned every person who stays over
into a piece of talking furniture that
can never leave or die.
- Oh no, not you too Jackie. So then
that must mean the blender is Anthony.
(dramatic sting)
- No, that's just a regular blender.
Anthony, he's gone. He left for real.
He hasn't even returned my text.
- Oh, that makes sense.
- You can tell who has a human soul
because he puts googly eyes on us.
- [Jackie] The eyes don't work, but we all have them.
- But none of us can see!
- [Jackie] And we still all (bleep)!
We can't eat, but we (bleep)!
We just, we just (bleep) everywhere!
There's (bleep) everywhere! I'm (bleep) now!
- [Courtney] It's your last chance Ian.
You have to get out of here before-
- I'm back!
(crowd cheering and clapping)
- Yay, Damien! - Yay, Damien!
- Everything's fine!
(door locks)
- Hey, guys! I got us a new salt shaker!
- [Tommy] What's happening? Uh, I was delivering mail
and now I'm a salt shaker and I can't see,
but I can still (bleep). Why can I still (bleep)?!
- Hey, uh, Damien. This is a nice couch.
Where did you get it?
- Oh, I guess you could say I got it from an old friend.
(loud thud)
- Ow! I mean, yay! (bleep)
(incoherent grumbling)
- You know what I was thinking, Ian?
- What?
- This spot right here would be the perfect spot for a new
tiny bird statue with a couple of googly eyes.
But where am I gonna get a new bird statue
with some googly eyes?
Huh?
- Damien. I know what you're thinking.
Please do not turn me into a bird statue
and put googly eyes on me.
- At least you get to be furniture.
I, Noah Grossman from Smosh,
I'm a bag of (bleep) googly eyes with googly eyes on it.
- Shut up Noah. I mean, Senor Google-Eye Face.
(laughter)
- Look, Damien. I'm on to you.
I know you've turned all of our friends into furniture.
Why are you doing this?
- Who told him? Which one of them was it?
No, no, no, no, no. Guys, are we going
to have to sing another song about keeping people's secrets?
- No, we're fine.
- It wasn't me! I'm sorry Damien!
(laughter)
- No! No we don't! We love keeping secrets!
(aggressive rock music plays)
♪ Don't (bleep) tell my secrets or I'll kill you ♪
- Wait. That was the whole freaking song?
- You're ready to be my guest forever, Ian.
- No.
(climactic music builds)
- Changing spell. Changing spell. Changing spell.
- Damien, Damien, you don't have to do this.
- Changing spell, changing spell.
- [Amir] Ian, quick! Grab my dick! I, I meant my stick.
My, it's just my stand.
(climatic music intensifies)
(Ian screams)
- I'm sorry, Damien!
(energy blast grows louder)
(climactic music fades away)
- [Damien] Curses! What have you done to me?
At least have the decency to give me
googly eyes while I (bleep)!
(triumphant music plays)
- This is the moment we've been waiting for.
- Get him! (laughter)
(grunting)
- Ian, any help here?
- Oh, um. You know guys, I'd really rather
not get in the middle of this.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, you know, it's just a very complicated situation.
You know? There's a lot of layers.
- It's pretty clear. Ian!
I did not want to be a toaster, okay!
- I saved your life, dude.
- Yeah, yeah you did. But you know,
if you really think about it, like,
everybody did some good and
some bad things. So like.
- What the (bleep) are you talking about?
- It's just, it's just, you know, it's very,
like complicated scenario.
- Do you understand how many Cheetos
are in every crevice of my body?
- Ian, I'm, I'm so upset that I told you
you could touch my dick!
- What the (bleep), Ian.
- You cannot touch my dick, okay!
- You know, you guys just talk it out.
- Oh you, you ratty little bitch. Come back here, Ian!
- I'm sure you'll find a resolution to it all.
Good luck with everything.
(incoherent screaming)
- Bring us a wipe or something, please!
- Oh, come on. Come on, dude.
This is such bull-(bleep), I can't see any
(phone ringing)
God dammit! Hello?
- Hey, Ethan. So all my coworkers are furniture now.
They got googly eyes and stuff. It doesn't matter.
The most important thing is, I need a place to crash.
Can I stay at your place?
- Oh yeah. I'm super busy right now, dude.
Black screen just came out and I am right
in the middle of it. So I, I really can't today.
I'm so sorry.
- [Ian] See you soon!
- Ian, no. God (bleep) damn it, I hate that guy.
(loud beep)
(upbeat music plays)
♪ Don't (bleep) tell my secrets or I'll kill you ♪
- That was the whole song?
- I'm going to (bleep) kill you.
What's the line? Sorry.
(laughter)
(long beep)
- There is a stray Hanes sock up my ass.
(long beep)
- But where am I going to get a couple of bird statue
googly eyes on that (bleep). Sorry.
(laughter)
(loud beep)
- I wasn't trying to be a toaster. Okay.
I know I'm thick. I know I got bread, but-
(laughter)
(loud beep)
(maniacal laughter)
- [Director] That was what we were hoping for, perfect.
- My mouth!
(loud beep)
- Changing spell! Changing spell!
(mouth noises)
- [Director] When you land, we want to give them room.
So we want to land with you like-
(loud beep)
- Please don't do that. Please don't put
another mirror in front of my mirror
and make me see an infinity of mirrors.
(loud beep)
- I can't wait to learn how to share and communicate.
- Shut the (bleep) up!
- Yeah, (bleep) you!
- What the (bleep). Who said that?
- Get your, take your clothes off.
- Which one of you little (bleep) said that?
- Why your knees out. (laughter) Why your knees out?
(loud beep)
- I can't wait to learn all about counting numbers
and sharing and all of this fun stuff. Right guys?
(cacophony of expletives)
(laughter)