- I feel like straight women are going extinct.
(audience laughing)
Everyone's coming out of quarantine queer.
(audience cheering) It is, yeah.
I just like, I really don't want straight women
to go extinct because I love Nordstrom Rack.
(audience laughing)
They have amazing sales and if straight women go extinct,
they're going under.
But that's the habitat of a straight woman, Nordstrom Rack.
They're also going extinct, did you know this?
When a straight woman goes on a first date with a man,
she has to ask herself, "Is this guy gonna be the one
that murders me?"
(audience laughing)
Like, that's fucked up.
That's traumatic.
Like, I've never been on a first date with a lesbian
and got murdered, you know, like not even close,
not even close, and I went on a first day with a woman,
she had a machete in her car.
(audience laughing)
It wasn't even a red flag.
(audience laughing)
The red flag was that we went out to dinner
and she's like, "I believe in God."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "What are we, six?
(audience laughing)
Of course, every time I tell that joke,
I do pray to God at night,
(audience laughing)
just in case, yeah.
Say, "Dear God, it's just a joke."
(audience laughing)
Lighten up.
Liberals. (chuckles)
Yeah, I was watching this video.
This woman, she puts 13 mozzarella sticks
into a waffle iron
(audience laughing)
to make a waffle made of mozzarella sticks.
And as I was watching this video,
I was just overcome with this feeling
that we are very broken right now.
(audience laughing)
Like, we have so little time on this earth
and this woman is choosing to use that time
to try to make carnival food into brunch food
(audience laughing)
and I can't stop thinking about her.
(audience laughing)
I feel like her marriage is on the rocks.
(audience laughing)
Martha, put the waffle iron down.
(audience laughing)
The kids miss you.
(audience laughing)
Fuck you, Steve.
I'm an influencer now.
(audience laughing)
I feel like she's very depressed is what I'm trying to say.
And I mean, I can relate.
I used to have debilitating depression,
but now it's not so bad.
Now I only have seasonal depression.
(audience laughing) Yeah,
but it is all of the seasons.
(audience laughing)
Yeah. (sighs)
(audience laughing)
Anyways, I thought that this would be a great time
in history to bring another human into this world.
I had a baby with a woman the way that my Lord and savior,
Melissa Etheridge, intended.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
(audience applauding)
Oh, I came to her window
(audience laughing)
with a lot of frozen sperm.
(audience laughing)
It's like drink up, sweetheart, we're making a baby.
We obviously, we needed sperm.
We needed help.
But like, that's not for lack of trying.
My wife and I tried so hard to do it on our own.
(audience laughing) We did.
We just scissored night in and night out,
just like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday, just scissor, scissor, scissor.
And unfortunately, we did not make another human,
but we did make a very beautiful, intricate snowflake chain
that we hang up around the holidays.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
They are for sale after the show as well.
(audience laughing)
They smell like fish.
(audience laughing)
That's disgusting.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, I promised myself I'd write one joke.
(audience laughing)
This is a little parenting advice.
Do not follow your nanny on TikTok.
(audience laughing)
Don't, just don't, like,
'cause you've never met someone in person
and then checked out their TikTok page and be like,
"Oh, I respect you more now."
(audience laughing)
My nanny, she was also a pole dancer, not just a nanny.
Yeah, she was a pole dancer,
which I'm like completely fine with.
I think it's awesome.
Like, I'm all for body expression and all of that.
Like, I'm not a conservative anymore
and I think that's great, you know?
My neighbors were a little confused
because she was a live-in nanny.
She brought her pole with her (laughs)
and I mean, at one point,
we were just the boring lesbians down the street
and then all of a sudden, I'm getting texts
and they're like, "Hey, there's a woman
with nipple tassels sliding down a pole in your front yard."
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, "Oh yes, no need to fret.
That's just the woman we're paying to raise our child
(audience laughing)
while we lock ourselves in the bedroom to drink."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I wish that I could be a stripper, honestly,
but I have a lot of weirdly misplaced moles on my body.
(audience laughing)
It was like, my dermatologist was the one
that broke the news to me that I couldn't be a stripper.
(audience laughing)
That was a hard day for me
because I love to dance, you know?
(audience laughing)
And I love cash, getting cash
without having to go to the bank.
That's also great.
(audience laughing)
But she was right.
She's like, "Nobody wants to see that."
I mean, you've never been in a strip club
and they're like, "Hey, bring that mole stripper
back out here."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, just throwing dollar bills and be like,
"Hey, you might wanna check that one out.
You might wanna check that one out.
Yeah, has it changed colors in the last year?
Should check that out.
You know what? Skip the lap dance.
I'm gonna circle a couple moles here.
These are the ones you're gonna wanna address first
with your dermatologist."
(audience laughing)
Mole comedy.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I do know I'm a great mom.
I really am because okay,
my daughter was supposed to be born
on September 11th and it's just the one day, right?
It's just the one day you're like,
"Can we not do that?
I mean, she already has two moms.
Like, she has a lot on her plate."
I'm just like, "Can we not have a 9/11 birthday?"
So when I was at the hospital, I was like,
"Can we either speed this up or really slow it down?"
(audience laughing)
And my doctor was like, "Yeah, sure.
Let's do it."
He gave me all these drugs.
I pushed and I pushed.
I was like ripped from hole to hole.
I pushed so hard.
She was born at 11:45 PM on September 10th.
(audience cheering) Yeah. Thank you.
(audience applauding)
So obviously, 9/11, we will never forget.
(audience laughing)
Unfortunately, 9/10 is my pussy's 9/11.
(audience laughing)