YOU SEE, WHILE I AM A COMMITED CATHOLIC, AS THE HOST OF MY OWN
TV SHOW, I RARELY HAVE TIME FOR MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITIONS,
LIKE GOING TO MASS, OR PRAYING A NOVENA, OR EXPLAINING SAINTS TO
MY NON-CATHOLIC FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE KIND OF LIKE GOD'S
X-MEN.
ST. ANTHONY'S MUTANT POWER IS FINDING YOUR LOST KEYS.
HERE'S THE THING.
THE TRADITION I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.
IT'S LIKE A COLON CLEANSE FOR IT'S LIKE A COLON CLEANSE FOR
YOUR SOUL, A CHANCE TO BE FREE OF THINGS YOU MIGHT REGRET, LIKE
COMPARING YOUR SOUL TO A COLON.
SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,
THE AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!
>> Stephen: GREAT.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT
SURE THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT
THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
I'VE BEEN TO CONFESSION MORE TIMES ON THIS SHOW THAN I HAVE
IN REAL LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE, IF YOU'VE EVER WALKED
SLOWLY IN FRONT OF ME ON THE SIDEWALK, I'VE FANTASIZED
ABOUT KILLING YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I NO LONGER BOTHER TO SPREAD NUTELLA ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN
MY TONGUE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T EAT THAT MUCH IN
REHEARSAL.
( LAUGHTER ) I'D LIKE TO GO ON "CELEBRITY
JEOPARDY!" BUT I'M AFRAID I WOULD LOSE TO MEATLOAF.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
SOMETIMES I WONDER IF GOD LOVES ME BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME
OR BECAUSE HE HAS TO BECAUSE HE IS GOD.
I WONDER THE SAME THING ABOUT TOM HANKS.
I HAVE FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVING A HORRIBLE DISEASE SO PEOPLE WOULD
FEEL BAD FOR ME, BUT THAT'S ALSO EASILY CURED ONCE I'VE SOAKED UP
ENOUGH PITY.
( LAUGHTER ) I TELL PEOPLE I'VE READ
SHAKESPEARE'S, "TAMING OF THE SHREW," BUT ACTUALLY, I JUST
WATCHED "10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN I'M AT KARAOKE AND SOMEONE
STARTS SINGING "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN," I STOP BELIEVIN',
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I STEAL OFFICE SUPPLIES FROM STAPLES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T HAVE ANY SKELETONS IN MY CLOSET.
THEY'RE BURIED UNDER THE PORCH.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES ON MY CHEAT
DAY, I ORDER A WHOLE PLATE OF FRIES AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I BUY KALE AND PUT IT IN THE
FRIDGE AND NEVER EAT IT.
THEN I START RESENTING IT AND ENJOY WATCHING IT DIE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M A QUICK DRUNK.
♪ DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' HOLD ON TO THAT
FEEEEEELIN'♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE JUMPED A SUBWAY TURNSTILE ON A DIRTBIKE.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS YOUR PORN
NAME IS YOUR FIRST PET AND THE STREET YOU GREW UP ON.
SO MINE SHOULD BE CAESAR HONEYBEE.
BUT IN REALITY, MINE WAS GUY MANDUDE.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, AND I DID PORN.
ONE TIME, I TEST DROVE A CAR JUST SO I COULD USE THE
DEALERSHIP'S BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I GO TO A JAZZ CLUB, I JUST
APPLAUD AT RANDOM INTERVALS TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I APPRECIATED
SOMETHING NOBODY ELSE GOT.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT.
YEAH, THAT.
YEAH.
WHENEVER IT LOOKS LIKE I'M TAKING NOTES IN A MEETING, I'M
JUST DRAWING KING KONG FIGHTING TANKS.
THERE ARE A LOT OF APPS ON MY iPHONE THAT I NEVER USE, BUT I'M
AFRAID TO GET RID OF THEM BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY DO.
IF I RESCUED A SHELTER DOG, I WOULD NAME IT "SHELTER DOG," SO
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW THAT I RESCUED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALSO, IF I GOT TWO CATS, I WOULD NAME THEM "CAT ONE" AND "CAT
THREE," SO EVERYONE WOULD FEEL SORRY FOR ME.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE IS SHOCKING TO EVEN ME,
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT
DONALD TRUMP WON'T BE THE WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.
>> Audience: OOOH!
WE'VE HAD SOME BAD ONES.
( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!