The following trailer is rated H for Honest
From the studio who sounds like they picked
three random words out of a hat
comes a franchise based on the books you never read,
a sequel to the game you never played
and a follow-up to the game you heard was
really, really good and scrambled to finish before
this one came out.
Come on, I know you did!
THE WITCHER 3 WILD HUNT
Journey to an overwhelmingly vast
and Polish land
where Gerald is Geralt,
Jennifer is Yennefer
and the locals are covered in charming
Eastern European prison tattoos.
Become a witcher,
which is confusingly different from being a witch
or a witch hunter
but is basically just a fancy orchardman
(Geralt) "...slayer in the largest city... looking for rat sh*t.
Sheesh."
Thrill as you haggle with dirt poor villagers over
how much it will cost to
save them from unspeakable horrors
then rob their crumbling shanties blind
once they've paid up.
Ooh-hooh! Goat hide!
It's the second most dangerous
profession in the kingdom
right behind bouncer trying to keep you
from entering a building.
(Bouncer) Cock a doodle do, what am I to do?
Sh*t myself?
(Geralt) All right!
(my bad, bro)
Take control of Geralt,
a whirling dance of death while in combat
and an impossible to control spaz
when you're trying to open a chest
or pick some flowers.
(DAMMIT Geralt, just pick the Celandine)
Use his finely tuned Witcher Senses
to locate stuff you can
EASILY find with your normal senses, like:
blood stains,
dead bodies
and shoes (really?)
Just check your mini-map, dude!
Get ready for the Monster Hunter game
Capcom wishes they made
as you take down griffins,
trolls
and wraiths in epic fun-to-play battles
after hours of tedious potion, oil and spell preparation
that's as fun as making
lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet
(Lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet)
Set out on an epic quest to save Ciri,
a princess who's always in another castle,
full of tough moral choices that
will result in innocent deaths
NO MATTER which option you pick!
Like Game of Thrones if it were a
"choose your own adventure" book
then completely ignore the main quest
as you take on more pressing matters like:
escorting a goat,
snowball fighting
and helping an old woman find her missing...
pan! (What?)
(Old Woman) "Found the pan, have ya?"
Dammit, I'm a Witcher, not a panner!
STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!
But it will all be worth it when you finally take on
the Swedish death metal album art known
as the Wild Hunt
in an ending so final in its endingness,
gamers will unanimously agree
that's totally how the game ends!
Yeah, uh, we haven't beaten it either!
(Eskel) "Sommon the b*tches"
Role-play as man who's not just a freak,
but also a SUPER freak,
(Rick James - Super Freak)
as the latest installment of this x-rated dating sim.
doesn't disappoint, full of:
boobs,
Boobs,
BOOBS
and
dangly old water hag boobs.
KILL IT! KILL WITH IGNI!
The developer heard you liked games
so they put a game in your game
so you can game while you game
with Gwent:
a card game featuring images of characters
from the game you are currently playing
outside of that card game.
GAMECEPTION!
(Inception OST)
So dive into a franchise whose biggest flaw
is having to quit your job or drop out of school
to experience it all,
from the beard-growing physics,
to the beautifully rendered areolas,
to the stunning vistas that will
absolutely take your breath -
Oh no! I haven't saved in like FOUR HOURS!
Starring:
The Guy with Two Swords 3: Helen Hunt
Anyone else noticed that Roach is basically
a teleporting demon horse?
(Chills and creepes)