- Set List is unique.
Now normally, when you see a stand-up comedian perform,
you've seen them giving material that they have created,
they have crafted, they have honed, they have perfected.
We are going to give them a set list.
They are going to improvise a stand-up comedy routine
out of thin air.
The comedians will see their set list topics
at the exact same moment that you see them
for the very first time.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready
for your next fearless Set Lister?
Are you ready for your next fearless Set Lister?
Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome
the never-before-seen set list of Mark Wahlberg?
(rock music)
- How you guys doin'?
You guys doin' good?
(audience laughing)
How you doin'?
I like the way you look, okay?
(audience laughing)
You guys like my Voss bottle?
(audience laughing)
Celebrity edition.
(audience laughing)
You can't buy this.
(audience laughing)
It has to be given to you.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Hey, you know what?"
"I'm a movie star, but I can do comedy too, okay?"
(audience laughing)
Did you guys see Ted?
(audience laughing)
I destroyed that fuckin' movie.
(audience laughing)
Did you guys see Pain and Gain?
(audience mumbling)
I let The Rock be in that fuckin' movie.
(audience laughing)
He was like, "Mark, can I be in a movie with you?"
I'm like, "Yes, you can, Rock."
(audience laughing)
"But you gotta stand behind me the whole fuckin' time."
(audience laughing and clapping)
He did.
(audience clapping)
You guys ready to do this?
(audience cheering)
You're welcome.
(audience laughing)
You guys ever feel like things were made for you?
(audience laughing)
You know, you go into a house,
and you're like, "I could buy this house."
Or you put on a pair of shoes,
and you're like, "Did they make these shoes for me?"
(audience laughing)
That's how I feel about reflections.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes, I'll just be walkin' places on Robertsons.
It's like a street for rich people.
(audience laughing)
And I'll just be like, "Who the fuck is that dude?
"He looks like a hot Donnie Wahlberg."
(audience laughing)
It is a hot Donnie Wahlberg, it's me.
(audience laughing)
Let's do another one of these.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna teach you guys somethin', okay?
(audience laughing)
And if you didn't learn this from the movie Pain and Gain,
I'm just gonna fuckin' spoonfeed it to you.
Don't trust people in tank tops.
(audience laughing)
I'm talkin' about all of 'em too, okay?
Out here in L.A., we got this neighborhood,
it's called Echo Park.
(audience laughing)
Don't trust those people in tank tops.
They got credit cards with their dad's name on 'em.
(audience laughing)
Alright, here's the other thing.
If you live outside of the Midwest,
and you're not doin' manual labor,
and you have a tank top on, your car better be broke
down somewhere and you just had to walk here.
(audience laughing)
Here's another thing.
(audience laughing)
I'm saving you guys time right now.
You know why?
'Cause I'm Mark Wahlberg.
(audience laughing)
And I do good things.
Did you see The Fighter?
Maybe somebody else should've got an Academy Award
for that movie, that's all I'm sayin', okay?
(audience laughing)
I really fuckin' boxed in that movie.
They were like, "Mark, do you have
"a problem fighting people?"
And I'm like, "What?"
(audience laughing)
"No, I don't have a problem fighting people!"
(audience laughing)
I'm from Boston, I fought my Kindergarten teacher!
(audience laughing)
When I was 22, I went back.
(audience laughing and clapping)
And here's the last thing I'll say about this.
If you've got a pattern on your shirt,
but a different pattern on your collar,
don't talk to that person.
(audience laughing)
They don't deserve to be here,
and they're willing to wait in lines.
(audience laughing)
At clubs in Las Vegas, and you know what I do?
I don't wait in fuckin' lines, I'll tell you that much.
(audience laughing)
That's called a Donnie thing.
(audience laughing)
Line waiting.
Alright here's the deal.
When you're a former rap star,
and an A-plus list celebrity,
some rules don't apply.
For example, maybe I can't read or write.
(audience laughing)
I can, fuckin' assholes for laughin' at that shit,
but maybe I can't okay?
I got problems with the alphabet.
First of all, I never liked that fuckin' cereal.
(audience laughing)
It was like Apple Jacks for smart kids.
I don't fuckin' want this shit.
(audience laughing)
One time, I spent two and a half hours
just tryin' to get my own fuckin' name in the bowl.
(audience laughing)
But I got it, M-A-R-R-K, fuckin' nailed that shit.
(audience laughing)
But people invent things to fuckin' make you wrong,
like for example, I don't know if this applies to you guys.
But you can drive as fast as you want.
Sure, they got fuckin' rules for that shit,
but one, pay for it.
You guys are in movies like me, right?
We're all friends, this is a safe place?
(audience laughing)
The other thing, you just tell 'em when they pull you over,
be like, "That's a rule you set for yourself.
"That applies to other people.
"I'm Mark Wahlberg, that doesn't apply to me."
You can try sayin' that, I don't know
how fuckin' far it'll get ya.
(audience laughing)
But if you whisper it, you can get pretty fuckin' far.
(audience laughing)
I'll beat one more of these.
By the way, for the record, don't tell this
to everybody else you saw tonight.
I'm winning.
(audience laughing)
I used to not be rich, but I still wanted
to be with a girl, okay?
So sometimes, you get what you pay for.
(audience laughing)
But it's about the exchange, okay?
So you might say to a girl, "What are you willing
"to do for this amount of money?"
She only fuckin' blinked at me.
(audience laughing)
But here's the deal.
Here's the deal, okay?
I put on the song Drive, right?
She blinked to the beats.
(audience laughing)
That was extra, you guys might not get that shit
'cause you know whY?
News flash, you're not even Donnie Wahlberg.
(audience laughing)
You're like Lindel Wahlberg who nobody even fuckin' talks to
and I only see at family reunions,
which you're all more than welcome to,
but nobody gets to be my partner for the egg toss, okay?
(audience laughing)
That's reserved, 'cause I like to fuckin' win.
Let's do one more of these.
(audience laughing)
You guys, I'm gonna tell you a secret.
I got a movie comin' out, okay?
(audience laughing)
Here's the deal though.
I wrote it myself, by hand.
You guys ever try to spell check somethin'
you wrote by hand?
(audience laughing)
There's no fuckin' red lines.
(audience laughing)
Problem with bein' Mark fuckin' Wahlberg is
by the time I got done, I went to go hand it to people.
I had already sold it.
(audience laughing)
Now, we established earlier, this is a safe place, okay?
So I'm gonna tell you guys this.
I don't have the heart to tell these people,
it's not called Investibation.
It's called Investigation, but I already
fuckin' sold that movie.
(audience laughing)
So now, I had to write in, I'm like, "I'm a cop
"who can't stop touchin' himself."
And they were like,
(audience laughing clapping)
"At least you're being honest."
I fuckin' do that shit anyway.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Thank you guys, you're welcome.
(audience cheering)
- That was Daniel VanKirk!
(lively keyboard tune)