Disclaimer (pause to read):
Compatibility is Not About Sameness
Compatibility is one of the most important elements of any relationship
and it is only by accurately assessing compatibility
that you can accurately decide upon
what type of relationship is right between you and another person,
or what type of arrangement,
or shall we say, configuration
is right between you and another person.
Simply put,
compatibility is a state of harmony
when two things can occur or exist together
without causing conflict.
If two things are compatible,
their coexistence is beneficial
and adds to the well-being of each of them.
Incompatibility is when two things
cannot exist or occur together
without creating conflict
and without being a detriment to one or both of them.
To understand more about why it is so incredibly important
to consider compatibility in your relationships,
you can watch two of my videos;
The first is:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
And the second is:
Accept Incompatibility To Avoid Relationship Hell
Perhaps one of the most common misunderstandings
when it comes to looking at compatibility and incompatibility
is that so many people confuse compatibility with sameness.
Another way to put this
is they think that they're compatible to somebody
if they're the same as that other person.
For example, if they have the same interests,
opinions, strengths,
likes and dislikes,
goals, personality, priorities,
beliefs, ambition, passions,
philosophies, etc...
This isn't true.
And unfortunately,
compatibility is more complex than this.
Two things being the same might spell compatibility,
but it might, just as well, spell incompatibility.
Just the same as a difference might spell incompatibility,
but might also spell compatibility.
To give you some examples
of differences that could spell either compatibility or incompatibility,
consider a relationship where one person
likes a lot of alone time in the relationship
and another person really wants to be together
most of the time in a relationship.
That is a difference which spells incompatibility.
But let's imagine that this person loves to cook
and hates to clean.
This one, likes to clean and hates to cook.
This is a difference that makes them compatible.
If one person values development and change
and the other person values
stability and things staying the same,
this is a difference which we could call incompatible.
But let's say that one person loves to be dominant sexually,
and the other loves to be submissive sexually,
this is a difference that spells compatibility.
But now, let's look at some simple examples of "sameness"
that would spell either compatibility or incompatibility.
Okay, let's say that in a relationship
two people are both the same religion.
That very well could equal compatibility.
But let's say that we've got two people
both of whom want to be in charge of their environment,
this could be a sameness
that very well spells incompatibility.
Or, let's say that two people love dogs.
This could spell compatibility.
Or let's say two people both struggle with intimacy,
this could spell incompatibility.
Now, that you kind of have this very simple understanding
of how sameness could lead to compatibility and incompatibility
let's look deeper at this concept
that sameness can very well spell in compatibility.
To do this, I'm gonna give you a concrete example;
Actually, two of them:
Greg and Melissa are both completely into fitness
Their life revolves around it.
It was a big deal to both of them
to meet someone who is just as committed
to staying healthy and in shape as they are
and who will become a workout partner.
At face value they seem to be compatible in this way.
But, Greg is a gym rat who loves weightlifting.
He is a big believer that loading calories in the morning
and working out at night time gives the best results.
And he spends three hours at the gym every night.
Melissa is a runner.
She loves to get up early and go out and catch the sunrise.
She wants a partner to run with.
Even though they both love fitness,
this similarity between them leads to constant conflicts.
They hardly see each other
because their workout schedules are opposite,
and Melissa is just as deeply dissatisfied
when she joins Greg to do weightlifting,
as Greg is when he tries to keep up with her when he's running.
Now, let's take a look at Jennifer and Nora.
So, instead of exploring compatibility and incompatibility
within the context of romantic relationship,
we're gonna look at it in terms of a friendship;
Jennifer and Nora are both super achiever personality types.
They are driven, ambitious, disciplined,
precise, demanding and both love to be the center of attention.
Let's just be honest,
they were super excited to meet each other
because finally someone gets them.
They constantly get reflected by other people
that they're impossible to be in relationship with.
So, obviously, meeting another woman
who is the same as you in this way
is super exciting,
because it's validating
and you feel like somebody sees and understands you
and all of a sudden,
instead of feeling like you're always the odd one out,
you found someone who's just like you.
Given this sameness between them,
Jennifer and Nora could have actually
found a compatible arrangement with each other as powerful allies.
They could have spent time together as friends,
they could have during those times
spent quality time together and really gotten each other
and exchanged resources.
However,
this is not the arrangement that they found together.
They were so excited to find
somebody else who was the same as them
and just as driven and just as ambitious
and just as, just as...
They decided to start a business together.
Because of their sameness,
they ended up in constant conflict.
Each wanted to be in the number one position,
each wanted to make the executive decisions,
and so each one fought for the other
to be the one to make compromises.
they both wanted the glory and the limelight,
so they both felt the other was in their way,
rather than being supportive.
They both gave underhanded compliments to each other
when talking to associates and clients.
The entire relationship was a complex power struggle.
And when they decided to go their separate ways,
Jennifer ended up trying to sue Nora for intellectual rights.
Obviously, Nora lawyered the hell up in response to that
and they went straight to war.
One of the biggest issues that you're gonna run into
if you don't recognize
how sameness can lead to incompatibility,
is that you may end up in relationships
where you have nothing to give the other person
and they have nothing to give you.
When you're in this type of a relationship
it may not culminate in these dramatic conflicts.
Instead, it'll just seem like:
"My life is really no different with this person in it,
than it is with this person not in it."
Something that we have to accept
is that there is a transactional element to every relationship.
It's separate to the love element, right?
So the love element of a relationship
or one could even say the chemistry element of a relationship
is separate to this issue of compatibility, right?
It's separate to this issue
of what you have to offer the other person a relationship
and vice versa, which is more transactional.
It is this transactional element in relationships
that provides a lot of the gravitational force in a relationship
or magnetic force.
It really pulls two people together
where there's a very strong reason
to be in each other's life.
It sucks to be in a relationship
where it feels like you contribute nothing to a person's life
and they contribute nothing to yours.
It feels like this
because both of you offer the same thing in a relationship.
And sometimes the most compatible relationships
are those where people offer different things in a relationship.
So one thing we have to accept
is that there is a transactional element in literally every relationship.
It doesn't matter whether that's a romantic relationship,
a relationship with a friend, a relationship with a colleague,
a relationship between parent and child,
it doesn't matter what relationship,
there is always an exchange.
A transaction at its essence
is nothing more than an energy exchange.
It means one person gives something, the other receives
and this person gives something the other receives.
What makes a transaction a good one
is if each person gets something that is valued
and value especially with regards to what we value most,
is based on what a person needs and wants.
A person has to need and want something
to truly value it.
Therefore, wouldn't you say that it's a little bit more difficult
to really value something
if you don't really need and want it,
because you already have so much of an abundance of it?
Sameness can lead to a very weak
transactional element within a relationship.
So that you can understand this, I'm gonna give you
a much more concrete example:
Sean and Lydia are a power couple.
They are both very successful people in their own lives.
Because of this,
they have the same things to offer in a relationship.
For example, they offer status, luxury,
novel experiences, high energy levels,
travel, exclusivity vip treatment,
respect, entertainment, business savvy,
access to resources, impressive contacts,
motivation, etc...
But because they have the same thing to offer,
neither of them feels the other really brings something of value
to act as a magnetic pull between them in the relationship.
Lydia doesn't value the financial power that Sean brings to the table,
because she already has enough to last a lifetime.
Sean doesn't value Lydia's high energy levels.
To be honest, his own energy level is so damn high
he just feels like he's burning the candle at both ends.
And in the relationship the struggle is always
whether what Sean needs for his success
or what Lydia needs for her success
should be the priority for them both.
All too often when they get into this type of a conflict
they just decide,
"actually both of our success is of equal priority"
and so they decide to go their separate ways completely alone
to pursue their own personal success
supported by other people, of course,
but never by each other.
So, they're essentially, totally alone in their relationship.
In reality, both of them would be so much happier
with partners who genuinely valued them
for what they can bring to the relationship.
Sean would be more compatible
with a woman who could offer him things like
nurturing, support, admiration,
relaxation, deep conversation
and someone who would be happy
making her life about supporting his success
because she felt like doing so made her feel fulfilled.
In reality, Lydia would be much happier
with a man who valued her excellence.
A man who could commit to being her safe place to land,
a man who would enable her to achieve her goals,
a man who would wanna be available to her
whenever she needed him
and help her slow down when she needs to slow down.
And who would be very physically affectionate.
To understand more about this,
you would benefit by watching my video titled:
Be Consciously Transactional (Why Every Relationship is Transactional)
What you ultimately should be going for in any relationship
is symbiosis.
When a relationship is genuinely symbiotic
that relationship and the arrangement of it
is something that adds to the well-being
of any individual that is part of that relationship dynamic.
When you have found this symbiotic compatibility,
there is no more preoccupation
with needing the other person to change something
so that you can feel good in the relationship with them.
Compatibility is really about accurately seeing yourself
and accurately seeing the other person
so that based off of seeing that reality of you and them,
you can accurately assess
what the right type of relationship is to have with that person
and what the right relationship configuration or arrangement
to have with that person is.
For this reason, it is very important
not to confuse sameness with compatibility.
Because sameness could very well equal incompatibility.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
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