(jangly guitar music)
- Welcome to Set List, Stand-Up Without a Net,
live at Nerdmelt!
Comedians are coming up here
without knowing a single thing.
They're gonna weave an entire standup set
in front of your very eyes
out of these crazy, bizarre ideas
that we're gonna throw at them.
- You guys are charging too much.
How much is it to watch this web series, huh?
This should be free.
- Are you ready
(audience cheers)
for the never-before-seen set list
of Neil Hamburger?
(cheering)
(jangly guitar music)
(guttural sound)
(scattered laughs)
- How's everybody doing tonight?
(clapping)
(guttural noise)
(more laughter)
So exciting to be up here
doing the material that made me famous.
Some of the old, wonderful jokes
from days gone by where--
pretending you know--
and then there's Carrot Top.
And then there's Carrot Top.
And what he does.
And it's sensational.
He played at the Ruxor.
Ruxor in Ras Vegas.
(loud laughs)
He take a plop, huh?
Take a plop out of a surtcase.
He had a deardo in his suitcase
and also anal beedleads?
Beal leads?
Chow mein, and also chop suey.
Chop suey.
And if you have seen chop suey
when they grate carrots on it
that really gives it true flavor.
The degradation with a show like this.
The degradation.
I'll tell you something folks:
I believe, and I truly do believe this
that we are living, currently, in the year 2013,
in what in any other year
would be termed a Nazi dictatorship.
(scattered laughter)
No we're not--
this isn't funny, this is serious.
Sometimes, a set list will have something serious
like when the comedian has leukemia or something like that.
(laughter)
I don't have leukemia.
But I will tell you this.
There was a time when comics could go on stage
and say what they wanted to say,
what they felt in their heart,
something that actually meant something to them, huh?
Before these depraved psychos
demanded this type of show
where the comics
have no say in what they say.
The TV networks, the television screens
determine the set!
It used to be the comics decided what they said,
not what the comic book stores decided what they said.
(laughter)
They could put words in somebody's mouth
to have somebody have to come out
and say "I freeze stranger's sperm.
"I freeze and I eat!"
That's what you're supposed to move onto
"I eat stranger's sperm."
I eat strange sperm.
Triple y chromosomal sperm,
packaged with a colorful photo of an otter
(laughter) on the plastic wrapper.
And that is the ultimate degradation
and that's why folks, I do feel
that you are seeing one of the last
comedy shows ever to be presented
on any station, because we're going
on strike, and we're not gonna
give you pigs any more laughter.
You slobs.
Funny, huh?
Is this funny?
I'm a chicken!
(imitates chicken)
Yeah, that's funny.
I'm a chicken!
Laugh, asshole, I'm a chicken!
I freeze stranger's sperm!
Funny, right? Ha-ha!
These pigs, these comic book freakos
they told me to just talk about this shit
that's on this stupid TV, because
normally when you pay to see comics
you see, you pay for them to have--
put some work into their material
rather than coming out and just blithering
out of their tiny pea brains, huh?
And that's a real show, that's what you pay for!
Some sort of quality control.
Do you want Hostess Ding Dongs, to just
throw flour against the wall (laughter)
- Just throw whipped cream against the wall?
Scrape it up in Saran Wrap and say
"here's your God damn Ding Dong, asshole!"
(laughter)
That's what's happening here tonight!
Insist on quality control, mate!
These comedians write the material
ahead of time, this is not my set list.
It never would be.
I wouldn't talk about this garbage.
We talk about topical events.
We talk about things that matter,
like Britney Spears' hernia. (laughter)
Things like that, that people wanna hear about
I can't--
(jangly guitar) (audience applause)
- Just let a bunch of drunks on stage to ramble?
These people don't care about you,
and you shouldn't care about them.
Don't pay for this show, don't pay for this show.
You pay for Robin Williams, you don't pay for this.
(cheering)
- Neil Hamburger!
(intriguing music)