WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, UP HERE, DOWN THERE, ALL AROUND,
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE NEWS THIS WEEK,
I'M SO SORRY, BECAUSE THERE IS NOW A MOUNTAIN OF EVIDENCE THAT
RUSSIA HAS ENGAGED IN A SERIES OF BRUTAL WAR CRIMES.
SO, IN RESPONSE, TODAY, THE U.S.
ANNOUNCED NEW SANCTIONS ON RUSSIAN FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS
AND INDIVIDUALS.
GOOD!
I HOPE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
BUT AT THIS POINT, THERE ARE SO MANY SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA, WE
MIGHT RUN OUT OF PLACES TO PUT THEM.
WE'LL HAVE TO START SANCTIONING THEM IN THE MULTIVERSE.
( LAUGHTER )
TRANSACTIONS WITH RUSSIAN BANKS IN THE DIMENSION WHERE
SPIDER-MAN IS TOBEY MAGUIRE.
( LAUGHTER )
OTHER THINGS, BAN ALL NEW INVESTMENT IN RUSSIA.
WELL, YOU GOT TO.
OTHERWISE, THEIR SOARING ECONOMY IS AN IRRESISTIBLE CASH
MAGNET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BEFORE THE WAR STARTED-- BEFORE--
( APPLAUSE )
READY TO PUT ALL MY MONEY INTO THEIR HOT NEW RIDE-SHARING
APP, TUBER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, TUBER.
YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO: "IS POTATO."
IN ADDITION, THE ADMINISTRATION HAS IMPOSED WHAT'S KNOWN AS
"FULL BLOCKING SANCTIONS" ON RUSSIA'S LARGEST PRIVATE
BANK, ALFA BANK, AND ITS LARGEST FINANCIAL INSTITUTION,
SBERBANK.
THAT'S "SBERBANK," AND NOT, AS I ORIGINALLY READ IT,
"SPERM-BANK," WHICH IS THE ONE BANK WHERE YOU WANT YOUR ASSETS
FROZEN.
THE PACKAGE--
SPERM BANK.
THERE YOU GO.
THE PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES SANCTIONS ON VLADIMIR PUTIN'S
ADULT CHILDREN.
HE HAS ACKNOWLEDGED TWO DAUGHTERS.
AND THAT'S JUST WHAT EVERY CHILD WANTS TO HEAR.
"I LOVE YOU, DADDY!" "I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, TOO."
( LAUGHTER )
BILLIONAIRES, TESLA C.E.O. AND STAR OF "DOUCHE CASSIDY AND
THE CRYPTO KID," ELON MUSK.
AFTER YEARS OF TWEETING SILLY MEMES AND BAD TAKES, WHILE AT
THE SAME TIME CONSTANTLY CRITICIZING TWITTER'S BUSINESS
PRACTICES, THIS WEEK, MUSK BOUGHT A 9.2% STAKE IN TWITTER,
MAKING HIM THE LARGEST SHAREHOLDER.
WAIT A SECOND!
SO, IF HE DOESN'T LIKE HOW A CORPORATION OPERATES, HE JUST
BUYS IT?
HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO WE NEED THAT HE'S TURNING INTO A
SUPER VILLAIN: "WHAT?
GUAC IS EXTRA?
THEN THIS CHIPOTLE IS NOW MINE!
MWAHAHAH!
WOOO!
AAAH!
NOW, WHERE DO I GET MY FREE REFILL?
MUSK'S INVESTMENT IMMEDIATELY CAUSED A SPIKE IN THE COMPANY'S
STOCK PRICE.
IN FACT, MUSK HAS ALREADY MADE $800 MILLION ON HIS TWITTER
INVESTMENT.
$800 MILLION IS THE MOST MONEY EVER MADE OFF TWITTER WITHOUT
SELLING PICTURES OF YOUR FEET.
( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE YOU LIKE A LITTLE HAMMERTOE?
( LAUGHTER )
HIS SPENDING SPREE WAS A POLL ASKING, "DO YOU WANT AN EDIT
BUTTON?" SURE!
I MEAN, I'D RATHER YOU CANCEL THE ACCOUNTS OF ALL THE NAZIS,
BUT AN EDIT BUTTON WOULD BE NICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TWITTER RESPONDED--
TWITTER RESPONDED, NOT SURPRISINGLY, WITH A TWEET:
"WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE EDIT FEATURE SINCE LAST YEAR,"
ADDING, "NO, WE DIDN'T GET THE IDEA FROM A POLL, WINK EMOJI."
OKAY, I BELIEVED YOU UNTIL THE WINK EMOJI.
WINK EMOJIS DON'T LEND CREDENCE TO ANY STATEMENT.
NO ONE'S GOING TO DEPOSIT MONEY IN A BANK THAT SAYS, "WE PROMISE
NOT TO BLOW YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ON COCAINE AND HOOKERS.
WINK!"
( APPLAUSE )
AND HOOKERS!
I'M AGAINST IT.
IN OTHE MUSKY NEWS, RECENTLY, ELON WAS IN BERLIN FOR THE
OPENING OF HIS NEW TESLA GIGAFACTORY.
AND AFTERWARDS, HE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE WITH A VISIT TO THE
CITY'S MOST NOTORIOUS TECHNO SEX CLUB CALLED THE KITKAT CLUB.
OKAY, BUT GIVE HIM A BREAK.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.
♪ BREAK HIM OFF A PIECE OF THAT HOT SEX CLUB ♪
NOW--
( APPLAUSE )
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MUSK WORE, BUT THE KITKAT CLUB'S DRESS CODE
INCLUDES LEATHER, LATEX, LINGERIE, FANCY DRESS, SWIMMING
GEAR, SUPERHERO OUTFITS, OR COMPLETE NUDITY.
THAT IS A DARING MIX.
NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE A NAKED BATMAN WEARING RUBBER GLOVES AND
A SNORKEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SNORKEL COMES IN HANDY.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THE SNORKEL, OR ONE OF THOSE NOSE
CLIPS.
THE KITKAT CLUB WAS JUST THE FIRST STOP FOR WHAT SOME ARE
CALLING "A SEX CLUB CRAWL."
PRO TIP: DO NOT CRAWL THROUGH A SEX CLUB.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT SPILLED BEER.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS-- THIS IS A HANDY TIP!
TRUST-- GO AHEAD, CRAWL.
DO WHAT YOU WANT.
MUSK'S TOUR WAS CUT SHORT AT THE FAMOUSLY EXCLUSIVE BERLIN
NIGHTCLUB BERGHAIN, PROMPTING SPECULATION THAT HE HAD BEEN
DENIED ENTRY.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING!
I DON'T CARE HOW EXCLUSIVE BERGHAIN MAY BE!
WHAT CLUB WOULDN'T WANT THIS ON THEIR DANCE FLOOR?
LADIES, LADIES, THAT'S ALSO HOW HE MAKES LOVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"DO YOU LIKE THIS, BABY?
YOU LIKE THIS?
I JUST BOUGHT 10% OF TWITTER."
I CAN DO THIS ALL NIGHT LONG.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
RICHEST MAN WHO'S EVER LIVED!
CONTINUING WITH TONIGHT'S BILLIONAIRE THEME, THERE'S NEWS
ABOUT FACEBOOK FOUNDER, MARK ZUCKERBERG, SEEN HERE UNABLE TO
IDENTIFY THE PICTURES THAT CONTAIN STOP SIGNS.
( LAUGHTER )
HAD AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE ABOUT HOW BELOVED HE IS AT WORK:
>> SOME OF THE FOLKS WHO I WORK WITH AT THE COMPANY, THEY SAY
THIS LOVINGLY, BUT I THINK THAT THEY SOMETIMES REFER TO MY
ATTENTION AS "THE EYE OF SAURON."
>> Stephen: YES, SURE.
THEY'RE COMPARING YOU TO THE DARK LORD SAURON...
LOVINGLY.
"THE GUYS AT THE OFFICE ADORE ME!
THEY CALL ME EVIL INCARNATE.
EL DIABLO.
JARED FROM SUBWAY.
GET THIS: THEY SOMETIMES-- THIS IS HOW AFFECTIONATE-- SOMETIMES
THEY EVEN PUT THE PICTURE OF MY FACE ON THEIR
DARTBOARD.
AND WHENEVER THEY USE THE BATHROOM, THY CALL IT 'LEAVING
MY MARK.'" >> Jon: OH, MY GOSH!
>> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO DESTROY DEMOCRACY!
IN STATE GOVERNMENT NEWS, TENNESSEE HAS INTRODUCED A BILL
THAT WOULD ELIMINATE AGE REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE.
THIS BILL IS BEING SPONSORED BY REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND
MAN WHOSE PORN NAME IS HIS ACTUAL NAME...
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA USE SUNSCREEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SHOOTING OUTSIDE.
( LAUGHTER )
TENNESSEANS OF ANY AGE COULD BE COMMON LAW MARRIED, WHICH IS
EXTRA WILD CONSIDERING THAT, UNDER CURRENT TENNESSEE LAW,
IT'S ALREADY LEGAL TO GET MARRIED AS YOUNG AS 17.
OKAY, THAT'S TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED!
ITS , TOO YOUNG TO VOTE, RENT A CAR, AND TOO YOUNG TO-- AND THIS
IS TRUE-- OPERATE A DELI SLICER AT A GROCERY STORE.
CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I SAY, NO MATRIMONY TILL YOU SLICE
BALONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND HERE-- OH, OH!
>> Jon: YOU GOT TO SLICE THAT BALONEY.
SLICE IT GOOD.
>> Stephen: THIN, LIKE IT THIN, BABY.
THERE YOU GO.
♪ ♪ ♪ BUT HERE'S THE KICKER: CHILD
MARRIAGE WASN'T THE PURPOSE OF THIS BILL.
THE REAL GOAL WAS TO ESTABLISH COMMON LAW MARRIAGES IN THE
STATE AS BEING BETWEEN "ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN."
UGH, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO WRITE A HOMOPHOBIC
BILL AND ALL PEOPLE FOCUS ON IS HOW YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEGALIZED
BABY WEDDINGS?
( LAUGHTER )
THESE DAYS, AND SO IS THE COVID CRAY-CRAY, BECAUSE RIGHT-WING
ACTIVISTS HAVE LAUNCHED AN AMATEUR GRAND JURY TO VOTE ON
WHETHER TO INDICT DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
OKAY, I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT ALL JURIES ARE AMATEUR.
IT'S TOUGH TO GO PRO ON $23 A DAY.
THIS AMATEUR GRAND JURY IS A LIVE-STREAMED EVENT LATER THIS
MONTH THAT'S BEING BILLED AS THE FAIR AND BALANCED WAY TO
DECIDE IF ANTHONY FAUCI SHOULD BE INDICTED.
WHY?
QUOTE, "THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN, AND HERE'S THE PROOF," FOLLOWED
BY JUST THE WORDS "VIDEO, EVIDENCE, DOCUMENTS."
OH, MY GOD, ALL THREE COURT WORDS?
FAUCI'S IN REALY TROUBLE!
"YOUR HONOR, LAWYER.
EXHIBIT A: PROOF!
EVIDENCE: DOCUMENT.
ALL RISE!
CASE CLOSED.
IF IT PLEASE THE COURT, MAY I APPROACH THE BAILIFF?
YOU WANNA BUY SOME WEED?"
SO-- JUST SAYING.
IT'S AN AMATEUR JURY.
WILL THEY AMATEUR ARREST ME?
SO WHO ARE THESE GRAND JURORS?
WHY, IT COULD BE YOU!
FOR AS LITTLE AS $25 AND AS MUCH AS $10,000 TO BE A V.I.P. JUROR.
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, "I HATE JURY DUTY,
BUT WHAT IF IT COST 10 GRAND?
WOULD I LIKE IT THEN?"
NOW, THERE IS ONE SMALL THING--
THERE IS ONE SMALL THING TO KEEP IN MIND BEFORE YOU PAY UP AND
BRING JUSTICE TO DR. FAUCI FOR CRIMES OF DOING SCIENCE.
ON ITS WEBSITE IN FAIRLY SMALL FONT, THEY CLARIFY THAT
AMERICA'S GRAND JURY IS A MOCK GRAND JURY.
IT HAS NO LEGAL AUTHORITY.
ANTIVAXXERS LOVE IT, BUT IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
IT'S THE HYDROXYCHLORIQUINE OF JUSTICE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT-- TURNS OUT IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
TURNS OUT IT DOESN'T-- >> DOESN'T DO NOTHING.
>> Stephen: BUT IT'S STILL WORTH THE MONEY.
BECAUSE AT THE $2,500 JUROR LEVEL, YOU GET ONE-NIGHT ACCESS
TO MINGLE WITH ANTI-VACCINE CELEBS IN THE GRAND JURY'S GREEN
ROOM.
YES, ALL THE HOTTEST ANTI-VACCINE CELEBS!
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT UNCLE BILL, SUE THE BORAX GAL, AND OF
COURSE, NIKKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S GIANT BALLS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?