>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UP DATE" SUMMER EDITION WITH COLIN
JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHOO! HI.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. >> THANK YOU!
>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE
SUMMER EDITION" I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> WELL, IT'S BEEN A CRAZY YEAR THESE PAST FEW WEEKS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS NOTICED BUT THERE WERE SOME MINOR
STAFFING CHANGES AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
PRIEBUS IS OUT, SPICER IS OUT, SCARAMUCCI BARELY GOT THE TIP
IN. [ LAUGHTER ]
AT THIS POINT, I DON'T KNOW IF TRUMP IS COLLUDING WITH RUSSIA
BUT HE'S DEFINITELY COLLUDING WITH "DANCING WITH THE STARS."
[ LAUGHTER ] HOW DID WE AT "SNL" MISS ANTHONY
SCARAMUCCI? HE WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS IN JULY.
ACTUALLY HE WAS LIKE CHANUKAH IN JULY BECAUSE HE WAS AROUND FOR
ABOUT A WEEK AND IT'S A MIRACLE HE LASTED THAT LONG.
[LAUGHTER] >>> EARLIER THIS WEEK NORTH
KOREA ISSUED A NEW THREAT AGAINST THE UNITED STATES
CLAIMING OUR COUNTRY IS "ON THE KNIFE EDGE OF LIFE AND DEATH."
WHICH SOUNDS PRETTY SCARY UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT THEY DON'T
EVEN HAVE, LIKE, VEGETABLES IN NORTH KOREA.
[ LAUGHTER ] MAYBE THEY'RE JUST HANGRY.
BUT NOT TO BE OUT WHACK-A-DOOED, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED WITH
THIS. >> THEY WILL BE MET WITH FIRE
AND FURY LIKE THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> FIRST OF ALL, UNFOLD YOUR
ARMS, YOU LOOK LIKE A JEFF DUNHAM PUPPET.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] BUT THEN AGAIN, THIS COULD BE
THE ONE THING THAT BRINGS AMERICA CLOSER TO DONALD TRUMP.
I MEAN, I KNOW WE'RE ALL PRETTY DIVIDED NOW, BUT WE'RE, LIKE,
ONE NORTH KOREAN MISSILE STRIKE AWAY FROM SLAPPING HIM ON HIS
BIG OLE BACON BACK AND YELLING "KICK HIS ASS, DONNIE."
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO MADE
HIS FIRE AND FURY WARNING WHILE ON HIS WORKING VACATION FROM HIS
BEDMINSTER GOLF CLUB IN NEW JERSEY.
IT'S HARD TO TAKE A THREAT SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU MAKE IT AT A
PRIVATE GOLF CLUB. UNLESS THAT THREAT IS "YOU KNOW,
VICTIM YOUR FATHER FIRED." [ LAUGHTER ]
ALSO YOU CAN'T THREATEN SOMEONE WHEN YOU'RE SITTING DOWN.
EVEN FDR STOOD UP WHEN HE WAS TALKING TOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] ALSO, IN ALL THIS, YOU'VE GOT TO
FEEL BAD FOR GUAM, YOU KNOW? THEY MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE "WHOA,
COOL, WE'RE ON CNN! WAIT, OH, NO."
[ LAUGHTER ] ALSO, WITH ALL THESE THREATS
BETWEEN KIM JONG-UN AND DONALD TRUMP, I'D FEEL MORE SCARED IF
THEY BOTH HADN'T MADE SO MANY CRAZY CLAIMS IN THE PAST.
LIKE, I'LL BELIEVE THERE WILL BE A NUCLEAR WAR AFTER I SEE KIM
JONG-UN DUMP A BASKETBALL AND MEXICO PAYS IF FOR WALL.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED
HIS SUPPORT FOR A NEW IMMIGRATION POLICY THAT WOULD
FAVOR PEOPLE WHO SPEAK ENGLISH AND HAVE HIGHER EDUCATION OR
WELL-PAYING JOB OFFERS. WELL-PAYING JOB OFFERS.
DAMN, WHEN DID THE STATUE OF LIBERTY GET SO BOUGIE?
SHE USED TO BE DESPERATE LIKE "SEND ME YOUR POOR, YOUR TIRED,
ANYBODY, I JUST NEED A MAN, LORD."
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW SHE'S ON TINDER LIKE "HE'S
GOT TO BE RICH AND SMART AND LIGHT SKINNED-ED AND 6'4".
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? A I'M LISTENING TO THAT LIST
LIKE BITCH, YOU AIN'T CHINA, YOU BETTER SWIPE RIGHT ON THAT DAY
LABOR WITH A GOOD PERSONALITY. THE BILL WOULD FAVOR PEOPLE WHO
SPEAK ENGLISH KIND OF UNFAIR BECAUSE AS AN AMERICAN WHEN I
TRAVEL I DON'T SPEAK ANYBODY HE'S LANGUAGE, THE FIRST TIME I
WENT TO LONDON I SAW A "U" IN THE WORLD COLOR AND I THOUGHT,
EW, COLOUR, SPEAK ENGLISH, PIPPA.
>> YOU MET PIPPA? >> WELL, IF PIPPA IS BLACK,
YEAH.