FOLKS, IT'S FRIDAY.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ IT'S FRIDAY
IT'S FRIDAY OH ♪ IT'S FRIDAY ♪
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT SONG YOU'RE DANCING TO BUT I
LIKE IT.
I HAVE A QUICK WORD OF WARNING BEFORE WE GET STARTED TONIGHT.
TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE WAS CREATED IN A FACTORY THAT ALSO PROCESSES
PEANUTS.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO SAY IN CASE ANYONE HAS AN ALLERGY.
ESPECIALLY NOW, BECAUSE MYLAN, THE COMPANY THAT PRODUCES THESE
EPIPENS RIGHT HERE-- ANYBODY USE ONE OF THESE?
THEY HAVE JACKED UP THE PRICE OF THESE PENS FOR LESS THAN $100
FOR A PAIR TO OVER 600 BUCKS.
YEAH, THAT PRICE IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOU INTO SHOCK, BUT DON'T
DO IT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE PEN ANYMORE.
NOW, MYLAN PHARMACEUTICALS CLAIMS THE PRICE, "HAS CHANGED
OVER TIME TO BETTER REFLECT THE VALUE THE PRODUCT PROVIDES."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TO BE CLEAR, THAT VALUE IS
SAVING THE LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T BREATHE.
OR AS MYLAN LIKES TO CALL THEM, "GASPING, CASH-FILLED MEAT
SACKS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW ALL OF THIS, YOU KNOW,
HIKING UP OF MEDICINE, REMINDS A LOT OF PEOPLE OF A GUY NAMED
MARTIN SHKRELI, THE PHARMA BRO WHO JACKED UP THE
COST OF H.I.V. DRUGS BY 5,000%.
CAN WE PUT UP A PICTURE OF SKHRELI?
THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
I'M SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO DOUCHE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHEN ASKED ABOUT MYLAN,
SHKRELI CERTAINLY HAD SOMETHING TO SHKRELL ABOUT IT.
>> THESE ARE LIFE-SAVING DRUGS.
PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE WHETHER THEY CAN BUY THEM OR
NOT.
>> YEAH, WELL, THAT'S UP TO INSURANCE TO PAY FOR THEM.
LIKE I SAID, IT'S $300 A PEN.
$300.
MY iPHONE IS $700, OK?
>> BUT YOU DON'T NEED AN iPHONE TO EXIST.
>> YEAH, THAT DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH, BECAUSE IT'S $300 AND
90% OF AMERICANS ARE INSURED.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'VE GOT TWO PROBLEMS WITH THAT: HIS TOTAL
HEARTLESSNESS, AND HER ASSERTION THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO EXIST
WITHOUT AN iPHONE.
SO DOES SHE HAVE A GALAXY?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, AFTER STARTING A FIRESTORM, YESTERDAY, MYLAN'S
C.E.O., HEATHER BRESCH, CAME FORWARD TO ADDRESS THE
CRITICISM.
>> HEATHER, SURELY YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THE OUTRAGE.
THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION HAS SAID THIS IS BASICALLY THE
SAME PRODUCT IT WAS IN 2009, AND YET THE PRICE HAS GONE UP 300-
OR 400-FOLD.
>> SO, LOOK, NO ONE'S MORE FRUSTRATED THAN ME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SHE'S FRUSTRATED!
I MEAN, THE TONE-DEAFNESS OF THAT JUST TAKES YOUR BREATH
AWAY.
AND GETTING YOUR BREATH BACK WILL COST YOU OVER 600 BUCKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, IN OTHER NEWS--
IN OTHER NEWS, THE F.B.I. IS INVESTIGATING WHETHER RUSSIAN
INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES HAVE HACKED THE COMPUTERS AT THE "NEW
YORK TIMES."
OR, AS THE "TIMES" REPORTED IT, "PUTIN NAMED WORLD'S SEXIEST
LEADER."
( LAUGHTER ) OH, HERE'S A NEW OCCUPATIONAL
HAZARD TO WORRY ABOUT: IF YOU PLAY THE BAGPIPES-- AND WHO
AMONGST US HAS NOT DABBLED-- AMONG US HASN'T DABBLED-- WATCH
OUT THAT YOU DON'T GET WHAT DOCTORS ARE CALLING "BAGPIPE
LUNG."
THAT'S WHEN THE MOLD AND FUNGI LURKING INSIDE YOUR BAGPIPE
TRIGGER COUGHING, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, AND EVEN FEVER.
I MEAN PHYSICAL FEVER, NOT BAGPIPE FEVER.
WHICH WE ALL HAVE.
THIS IS ACCORDING TO AN ARTICLE IN A MEDICAL JOURNAL CALLED--
AND THIS IS TRUE-- "THORAX."
I'M A SUBSCRIBER.
I KEEP IT ON MY COFFEE TABLE BETWEEN THE LATEST ISSUE OF "ANT
HEAD" AND "WASP ABDOMEN."
( LAUGHTER ) BAGPIPE LUNG-- TOOK A WHILE FOR
THAT TO SING IN, TOOK A WHILE.
REMEMBER YOUR EIGHTH GRADE BIOLOGY CLASS?
ALL RIGHT.
FOOTNOTES FOR EVERYBODY.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, BAGPIPE LUNG CAN BE TRICKY TO
DIAGNOSE.
IT'S HARD TO DISTINGUISH A HACKING COUGH FROM JUST A
SCOTTISH ACCENT.
"OCH, LET'S GO TO LOCH LOMOND AND EAT SOME POTTED HOUGH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO HASTY WITH THE... THIS WEEK
IN OTHER NEWS-- YES, THERE IS OTHER NEWS OTHER THAN BAGPIPE
LUNG.
THIS WEEK, McDONALD'S RECALLED MILLIONS OF FITNESS BANDS
BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN DANGEROUS LEVELS OF IRONY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S IN THE HAPPY MEAL.
IN THE HAPPY MEAL.
I'LL WAIT.
( APPLAUSE ) McDONALD'S RECALLED THE
WRISTBANDS AFTER THEY LEFT PEOPLE WITH BURNS AND BLISTERS--
WHICH, TECHNICALLY, IS THE JOB OF THEIR APPLE PIE FILLING.
ANY LORD OF THE RINGS FANS OUT THERE?
ME, TOO.
WELL, A STORY JUST CAME OUT ABOUT NAPSTER BILLIONAIRE SEAN
PARKER'S "LORD OF THE RINGS" THEMED WEDDING BACK IN 2013.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
SIR IAN McKELLEN HAS REVEALED THAT HE TURNED DOWN $1.5 MILLION
TO OFFICIATE THE WEDDING AS GANDALF, SAYING, "I AM SORRY,
GANDALF DOESN'T DO WEDDINGS."
DAMN RIGHT!
GANDALF DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO MARRY YOU, SEAN PARKER!
HE IS THE SERVANT OF THE SECRET FIRE, WIELDER OF THE FLAME OF
ANOR.
HE KILLED THE MOTHERTRUCKIN' BALROG, AFTER CHASING THE
ANCIENT IMMORTAL DEMON THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF KHAZAD DUM UNTIL
THEY CLIMBED THE PEAK OF ZIRAKZIGIL WHERE HE SMOTE THE
DEMON'S RUIN ON THE MOUNTAIN SIDE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH!
NO, I'M MAD!
I'M ANGRY NOW!
AND YOU KNOW-- DID YOU KNOW, GANDALF HIMSELF DIED AND THEN
RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AS GANDALF THE WHITE.
AND WHY?
SO HE CAN MARRY THE NAPSTER GUY?!
NO!
NAPSTER HASN'T BEEN A THING SINCE THE EARINDEL FLEW VINGILOT
TO VALINOR.
IF YOU INVITE GANDALF TO DO THE WEDDING-- BESIDES, LISTEN, IF
YOU INVITE GAND AFL, COLUMN'S GOING TO WANT TO BE THE RING
BEARER AND SOMEBODY'S LOSING A FINGER.