>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST. >>> THIS WEEK THE NATIONAL
UNEMPLOYMENT RATE HELD STEADY AT 4%, WHILE THE WHITE HOUSE
UNEMPLOYMENT RATE ROSE TOO ALL OF THEM.
THE CRAZY THING IS, I'M STARTING TO FEEL SOARRY FOR ALL THESE
PEOPLE TRUMP IS FIRING EVEN THOUGH I THOUGHT THEY WERE
TERRIBLE AT THEIR JOBS. SIX MONTHS AGO, COULD YOU
IMAGINE THINKING, HANG IN THERE, JEFF SESSIONS?
THE LATEST VICTIM WAS FORMER DEPUTY DIRECTOR ANDREW McCABE,
WHO WAS FIRED TWO DAYS BEFORE HIS RETIREMENT.
OH, MAN, HE GOT DANNY GLOVERED. EVENING THE JOKER IS LIKE, YOU
DON'T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT. I LOVE THAT TRUMP IS BEING EXTRA
MEAN TO THE FBI GUY WHO'S DEFINITELY ABOUT TO TESTIFY
AGAINST HIM. IT'S LIKE WALKING IN AND
ANNOUNCING TO THE WHOLE RESTAURANT THAT YOU'RE NOT
TIPPING ANYONE BEFORE THEY MAKE YOUR FOOD.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED REX TILLERSON AND REPLACED HIM WITH
MIKE POMPEO. >>> INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT
MORE MAJOR STAFF SHAKE-UPS COULD BE COMING TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
TRUMP IS FIRING US LIKE HE'S TRYING TO GET US UNDER THE
SALARY CAP OR SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE WHEN THOSE DOMINO'S
COMMERCIALS SAY, WE'RE MAKING SOME CHANGES.
YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH, BUZZ YOU'RE STILL DOMINOS.
>>> ROBERT MUELLER HAS SUBPOENAED DOCUMENTS FROM THE
TRUMP ORGANIZATION. BY THE WAY, TRUMP ORGANIZATION
IS AN OXY MORON. >>> STORMY DANIELS HAS OFFERED
TO RETURN THE $130,000 SHE WAS PAID SO SHE CAN RELEASE ANY
TEXTS, PHOTOS OR VIDEOS SHE HAS WITH DONALD TRUMP.
FOR WHAT? SO THIS LADY IS TRYING TO SHOW
US REVENGE PORN OF A GRANDPA AND WE'RE JUST OKAY WITH THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU EXPECTING TO SEE? WHAT IF IT'S GOOD?
ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THAT? ARE YOU PREPARED TO SEE DONALD
TRUMP TEAR UP SOME ASS. I MEAN, HE'S 6'3" AND DUMB AS
ROCKS, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S WORKING WITH DOWN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ALSO, CAN THE MEDIA STOP
GETTING US ALL RILED UP WITH HEADLINES, IS MUELLER MOVING IN
FOR THE KILL. JUST STOP TEASING US IF THERE'S
NO PAYOFF. I'M TOTALLY FINE WAITING, BUT
THEN YOU GOT TO STOP RUBBING THE OUTSIDE OF MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> SECRETARY OF EDUCATION BETSY
DeVOS WAS UNDER FIRE THIS WEEK, AFTER A DISASTROUS 60 MINUTES
INTERVIEW. HERE TO COLLAR PHI HER POINTS IS
BETSY DeVOS. >> HELLO.
HELLO. THANK YOU, THANK YOU TO THE
AUDIENCE AND THE MAN. >> GREAT, GREAT.
YEAH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.
SO BETSY, WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT INTERVIEW?
>> WELL, I -- I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE WORDS THAT
WERE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH WERE BAD.
AND THAT IS BECAUSE THEY CAME FROM MY BRAIN.
>> OKAY. YEAH, SURE.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE.
LIKE WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT PUBLIC SCHOOLS VERSUS
CHARTER SCHOOLS. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE
TO THINK OF THINGS IN TERMS OF SCHOOL.
I THINK THE STATES SHOULD DECIDE WHETHER THEY HAVE GOOD SCHOOL OR
BAD SCHOOL OR A BAD SCHOOL. WHICHEVER THEY PREFER.
IN WYOMING, FOR EXAMPLE, WHICH HAS MANY POTENTIAL GRIZZLIES,
THERE SHOULD BE A SCHOOL FOR BEARS.
AND IN LOUISIANA, CROCODILE CROSSING GUARDS AND IN NORTH
CAROLINA STOP BEING TRANS. THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD FOR THEM.
>> OKAY. YOU MIGHT BE THE MOST PROTESTED
MEMBER OF TRUMP'S CABINET. BUT, WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I DO NOT DO A GOOD JOB.
AND I CAN'T BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, YEAH. RECENTLY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
CRITICIZING YOUR POSITION ON GUNS IN SCHOOLS.
>> WELL, AGAIN, I THINK THAT THE STATES SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE
HOW THEY PROTECT THEIR SCHOOLS, BASED ON THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES.
FOR EXAMPLE, IF TWO HOME ALONE STYLE BANDITS WANT TO ROB A
SCHOOL. THAT SCHOOL SHOULD HAVE THE
OPTION OF RED-HOT DOOR KNOBS OR A PAINT CAN THAT SWINGS DOWN THE
STAIR CASE. AND IN THAT, IT'S GOOD SCHOOLS,
GOOD CHOICE. WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE, WE ARE
WORKING HARD TO ENSURE THAT ALL SCHOOLS ARE SAFE LEARNING
ENVIRONMENTS FOR GUNS. >> CAN I JUST ASK YOU SOMETHING,
DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB? >> NO, I DO NOT.
I DO SPEND MOST OF IT GETTING JAEMED AT WHILE CLIMBING INTO AN
ESCALADE. BUT I DO LIKE VISITING GOOD
SCHOOL AND DOING WORKSHEETS WITH CUTE LITTLE BLACKS AND THE
OCCASIONAL STINKY POOR WHITE. >> STINKY POOR WHITE?
>> YEAH. >> DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SAY
THAT ON TV? >> OH, I DID A FUDGE.
LOOK. I MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD ON
CAMERA. BUT BEHIND THE SCENES MY IDEAS
ARE MUCH WORSE. >> BETSY DeVOS, EVERYONE.
>>> THIS WEDNESDAY WAS NATIONAL WALKOUT DAY.
I'M SORRY, THAT'S THE WRONG PICTURE.
OH, THERE IT IS. YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO HERE, DON'T
YOU? >>> VANESSA TRUMP FILED FOR
DIVORCE FROM HER HUSBAND DONALD TRUMP JR.
IT'S A TOUGH BREAK, BUT I'M SURE HE'LL TAKE IT ON THE NO CHIN.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP WELCOMED THE WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS, THE
HOUSTON ASTROS TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
BASEBALL IS THE ONE INDUSTRY WHERE IMMIGRANTS ACTUALLY ARE
TAKING OUR JOBS. THE HOUSTON ASTROS WERE NICE
ENOUGH TO GIVE TRUMP A JERSEY WITH HIS APPROVAL RATING ON THE
BACK. >>> WALMART HAS FILED A PATENT
FOR ROBOT BEES THAT COULD BE USED TO POLLENATE CROPS LIKE
REAL BEES. WHICH LEADS ME TO ASK, WHAT IS
WALMART NOW? IT'S A DEPARTMENT STORE THAT
BECAME A GROCERY STORE AND A FIREARMS DEALER.
AND NOW THEY'RE JUST BUILDING AN ARMY OF ROBOT BEES?
I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN WALMART WAS JUST A PLACE WHERE I
SAW MY THIRD GRADE TEACHER PUNCH A GREETER ON BLACK FRIDAY.
>>> TACO BELL IS NOW SELLING A STRAWBERRY SKITTLES FREEZE MADE
WITH SKITTLES CANDY. YOU KNOW, MEXICAN FOOD.
JUST LIKE MI ABUELLA USED TO MAKE.