Wow. I tell ya.
It took a lot of my money to have you do that.
[laughter]
Every cent I had.
But, boy, it was worth it.
[laughter]
I played some pretty good sized pads
in my, uh, career.
I don't think I've ever played a thing this size.
Uh
and this high, the chandeliers...
My wife said, "Could we get one?"
[laughter]
And I said, "I wouldn't want to press that on the people, uh...
They're there for a reason and
we live in a trailer."
[laughter]
I've been to Washington
several times
and, uh...
I wouldn't want to be President,
I wouldn't want to be, certainly, Vice President.
I don't want to be second anymore, um...
I'd like to be Secretary of Treasury.
[laughter]
At least you get to look at the money, you know?
[laughter]
I'm a product, uh, of Ohio,
and I go back from time to time.
Uh, most of my, uh, people, as they're called,
[laughter]
uh
[laughter]
are dead [laughter]
and, uh, [laughter]
We have kind of a miniature Washington.
We have a, instead of a full horse with a general on it,
it's a Shetland pony [laughter]
uh, with just a little guy kind of like this, you know... [laughter]
died in the orphanage, um...
[laughter]
I remember I went back, oh, maybe 15 years ago.
This is back to,
I was born in Dayton, grew up in Springfield, Ohio
a small, comparatively small town,
and, um,
I went out to see a guy where we used to fish
and I had a couple of buddies with me
so I said let's go out and see Wally,
Wally Brickton.
Wally was a big guy, about six-two and
clear out to here never saw his shoes
Um.. [laughter]
but he a had a bait house, uh,
and in the house, if I were a
scenic decorator or something I couldn't have done a better job
they, he had a guy in a Cincinnati red uniform
dressed as, uh,
Christ.
Uh... [laughter]
He said they needed more Christians at second base, so, you know...
[laughter]
So I walked in, I said, "Wally,
gee, I haven't seen you for a long time, and,
I, I guess you went in the war about the same time I did."
[in character, as Wally] Yeah, I did. I was in the Navy
[laughter]
for a full four year...
[out of character] and, of course, he had a big mouth of Mail Pouch and
[in character, spitting tobacco] [laughter]
[out of character] and, you know a dog doesn't like that
[laughter]
and the dog went... [laughter]
At any rate, I said, uh,
"What's happening? Are you married?"
[in character, as Wally] Oh, yeah. I'm married, um,
Remember, uh, Jeanne Kosher?
She lived out there on Stillman Avenue?
I married her.
She was second to homecoming queen.
She's so damn big now.
[laughter]
She's well over 300 pounds. Clear out to here.
[laughter]
Just sits up on the fridge and sucks on Coors and watches Young and Restless.
[laughter]
We've got six kids between the two of us.
[laughter]
We had some fun.
[laughter]
Then it ended.
[out of character] See that's something else.
[as Wally] Did you marry a woman from around here?
[out of character] I married a woman from Dayton.
[as Wally] Now, let me ask you this..
Well, where, where do you live?
[out of character] I live out in California.
[as Wally] A lot of Communists out there and queers.
[laughter]
[out of character] Saw one downtown.
[as Wally] He's always been queer.
[laughter]
[as Wally] Let me ask you this...
Well, I haven't seen you since '43.
What do you do now?
[laughter]
And I said, "Why I'm in television."
And there was a beat.
He looked at me and two guys I was with and he said,
[as Wally] You know Mary Beth's got a Zenith. I wonder if you take a look at it.
[laughter]
So, say, I want to thank all the people that suited up and came.
Robin coming all the way, uh, from the west coast and, uh,
other people coming from all over. My gosh.
And all of you coming out tonight.
It's been a fabulous night, truly, for all of us
and I hope, uh, for all our you.
I hope to come back. I always enjoy, uh,
seeing the Washington Memorial, to know that it'll finally be finished after
[laughter]
...wonder what Washington would think - "Good god, Martha, look!"
[laughter]
[as Washington] Pick it up and throw it.
[laughter]
[applause]
At any rate...
[applause]
[musical outro]
[applause, cheering]