-Thank you.
Oh, man, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'm so happy to be here and not at home with my wife.
Yeah, yeah, I like to miss her.
Actually I love -- I love to miss her...
a lot, a lot, a lot.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
She's, you know, you could hear it in my voice.
A lot of you picked up in it.
"This guy's married." You can hear it, you know?
There's a little essence of defeat
every time I open my mouth.
Yeah. 15 years, man.
15 years in the same spot.
[ Applause ]
Yeah. Yeah.
[ Laughing ]
Yeah. Yeah.
She's my best friend.
♪ She's my best friend ♪
Is she? Is she my best friend? Is she?
Jason. Jason was my best friend.
I haven't seen Jason in 15 years.
15...
I should give him a call. Hey, buddy.
15 years. Don't get it twisted, guys.
I love her. I love this woman.
She's changed me. I'm not the same dude anymore.
I'm not.
I-I care now.
Ugh.
I...[Laughs]
I care. I care so much! I care.
I care about stuff I never cared about before, like sunny days.
I like sunny days now.
Yeah. It's a sunny day.
We should go outside and do something.
Like I've said that out loud as a man.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Cats. I like cats now.
That's new. Yeah, that's new.
I was a dog guy my whole life.
I used to think that cats were really fancy squirrels
that hung around outside.
Meow? That's a fancy squirrel.
We should invite him in.
It sounds like he wears a top hat and a scarf.
I want to hear his story.
That one probably has
a delightful British accent, right?
Here's the one where I lose a lot of people.
Sports. I'm not into sports anymore.
Yeah. All right.
You don't need to join me.
But it was by accident, right?
I was watching a football game,
and I hit "previous channel" on the remote.
And then it jumped to a whole nother channel
and then that's when I discovered this HGTV.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, you guys are aware of it?
What? You've seen this Home and Garden Network?
Oh, what a delightful network that is.
I missed the whole game because I got caught up
in a marathon of "Property Brothers,"
"Flip or Flop," "House Hunters."
I was yelling at the TV like it was a football game.
Get the marble counters!
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
No! No!
Not those cabinets, that's not going to add property value!
What are we doing, team? What are we doing?
Pick number two, it has a finished basement!
[ Applause ]
I'm passionate. I'm passionate.
And then, if you watch HGTV,
you know their crown jewel, that "Fixer Upper" show?
Yeah, again, yeah.
With Joanna and Chip in Waco, Texas?
What?
First of all, first of all,
you can buy a house for $5 in Waco, Texas...
[ Laughter and applause ]
...according to Joanna and Chip, right?
Joanna is exotic-looking.
You don't know what she is.
Chip is this funny white guy that can fix anything
and makes me giggle every episode.
[ Laughter ]
Get off that tree, Chip. You're gonna break something.
[ Laughter ]
I feel -- I feel the way the men are looking at me,
like, "Oh, this one is suspect."
I feel suspect.
I went on Google and started asking questions.
Do I have low "T," right?
Yeah. I had to answer some questions.
Do you like iced lattes?
Yes.
Do you enjoy Sunday brunch?
On a sunny day? Yes.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Do you watch more than 17 cat videos in a week?
Only way to start the morning. Yes.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Go see your doctor.
I go see my doctor. I got tested.
Came back. All my levels are normal, right?
Come back. Tell my lady.
"Hey, babe, I don't know what's going on.
The doctor says I'm fine, but I cried at the end of 'Coco.'"
[ Laughter ]
That movie snuck up on me.
She tells me, "Babe, just be proud of yourself
because I'm proud of you.
You're just evolving."
[ Laughter ]
Evolving? Evolving.
I don't like that word. Evolving.
I don't think I'm evolving.
I just think you're murdering the man I used to be
every night.
You say it's sleep apnea,
but I clearly see a pillow coming off of my face.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you so much. My name's Orlanda Leyba.
I'm humbled.
♪♪
-Orlando Leyba!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Check out his special on HBO Latino November 16th.