VIC: (Narration) So, what better place to start than the beginning? Well, you could get all artsy and start somewhere in the middle. All the cool directors do that.
Get you all excited, be like "Woah dude, what's going on man, why is that guy shooting that other guy!"
Then they all do that rewind thing, tell the tale, lay the bread crumbs, role the credits. Classic.
But how about we start...
...before the beginning?
*instrumental*
Red: Time to put the hammer down boys, let's make the lieutenant proud.
Simmons, what are you doing?
Simmons: Oh God, this is my nightmare!
Red: C'mon man, you can do it. Just keep moving!
Simmons: But I've already stopped. If I move now, my chances of falling off and breaking every bone in my body increase dramatically!
*Grif panting*
Grif: Hey guys, whew, thanks for *ugh* thanks for waiting up *ugh*
Red: Grif! We are not waiting for you!
Grif: Hey dude, what's the hold up?
Simmons: I just need a minute.
Red: Don't let the CO down, Simmons!
Simmons: I'm torn between my two great loves: being alive and pleasing a superior.
Red: Just, whatever you do, don't look down.
Grif: Huh, what's that down there?
Simmons: Oh, God!
Red: God dammit.
Grif: Nice. I guess we just live up here now, right?
What's your name again?
Simmons: I'm gonna throw up in my helmet.
Grif: Eh, it doesn't matter.
I'm Grif by the way, and I think this is the start of a singularly beneficial relationship where you get me out of all these stupid bootcamp drills.
Red: Grif, you get over here right now!
Grif: Yeah, how? Jump over him?
You want me to fall and die? I'm not taking any unecessary risks.
Dude, we have got it made.
*Sniper gunshots*
Grif: What the fuck!?
I thought this was training!
Simmons: Fuck this! I changed my mind, I wanna move again!
Red CO: All three of you, in my office, now!
Red: Sir, these two showed wilful insubordination to their company leader.
Grif and Simmons colluded with each other in order to not complete the exercise.
Grif: Objection! I've never colluded in my life, and I resent the implication.
Simmons: Do you even know what collusion is?
Grif: I plead The Fifth, your honour.
Red CO: Enough!
All three of you have been a disappointment to me.
Hammer! You are not the leader you think you are.
And Grif and Simmons, you two need to be whipped into shape.
Hammer: We're sorry to let you down sir, it uh, it won't happen again.
Grif: Uh, he doesn't speak for me. I'm more mildly inconvenienced than sorry.
Simmons: What is wrong with you!?
Red CO: That's why...
...I'm sending you three on a special mission.
Simmons: A special mission?
Hammer: We'll make you proud, sir. I'm honored to accept.
Simmons: But not as honored as I am. Sir.
Grif: Uh, dude? What is wrong with you?
Red CO: A Blue army battalion recently hit one of our outposts in Timberland.
I'm sending you three out there on a recon mission to search for survivors and gather intel.
You'll need to work together to complete this mission. Do not let me down.
Hammer: There's the base.
We should move in.
Grif: Move in? What are you, nuts?
Simmons: Yeeaah, I'm more in favor of gathering intel from a safe distance.
Hammer: What do you consider a safe distance?
Simmons: What's the range on that sniper rifle?
Hammer: Guys, I know we're all agreeing here but think about our comrades.
Those filthy Blue bastards attacked them.
Simmons: Yeah, that's how war works, dumbass.
Grif: Besides, we didn't know them. Those Reds could have all been assholes.
I say we don't even worry about it and just go home. We got enough intel.
Hammer: You listen here! I'm in charge, and we need-
Simmons: Woah woah woah, Lieutenant didn't put anyone in charge.
We're supposed to work together.
Grif: I say we put it to a vote.
Hammer: What?
Grif: All in favor of not storming the base, say I.
Grif and Simmons: I.
Grif: Sorry Hammer, but that's democracy.
Hammer: But I-
Simmons: Hey, I don't make the rules, Hammer. I just follow them blindly and without question.
Hammer: Well what do you propose we do, then?
Grif: Well, we could stand here and ponder the big questions in life, like why did our CO send out three bootcamp recruits on a deadly recon mission?
Hammer: Because he believes in us.
Simmons: Yeah you see, that's putting a lot of unwanted pressure on us, and I don't appreciate it.
Grif: See? It's giving poor Simons here a panic attack.
Simmons: Simmons.
Grif: Whatever.
Hammer: It looks like they're changing shifts.
If we go now, we can sneak in.
Grif: I just do not understand this guy's desire to get us all killed.
Simmons: Look Hammer, I'm not one to cut corners, but I also know that statistically speaking, we are totally fucked.
Grif: Let's just head back to base.
Hammer: *sigh*
Fine.
Let's go.
Grif: Woohoo!
Simmons: Yeah! Democracy triumphs again!
Grif: America, bitch!
Grif: See? We learned to work together, and one day, everyone's gonna know and love the wonderful trio of Grif, Simmons-
*radio noise*
Hammer: (Radio) Screw you guys, I'm a hero!
Simmons: What the fuck, bro?
Grif: Every time you go against democracy, an eagle dies!
Hammer: Hmm...
No signs of survivors.
*quickening beeping noise*
What?
Oh-
Simmons: We could just leave him y'know.
*loud explosion*
Grif: Jesus Christ!
Simmons: Was that supposed to happen!?
Grif: How the hell should I know?
*radio noise* Simmons: Hammer?
Buddy?
You, you okay?
Simmons: Hammer?
Grif: He's fucking dead, dude.
Simmons: Well what do we do now?
Grif: What we should have done five minutes ago.
Simmons: I feel kind of bad for him.
Grif: Eh, the way I see it, we did him a favor. He wanted to go out a hero.
Simmons: So what, is that just what we're gonna tell everyone?
And then, Hammer heroically sacrificed himself to save us. We got out just as the bomb detonated.
Grif: He, he went out a hero.
*Reds cheering*
Red: Wait a minute, why didn't Hammer just leave with you guys instead of letting the bomb go off?
Simmons: Hey man, don't disgrace Hammer's memory like that!
Grif: Yeah, rude.
Oh, and also, he said that we're also all heroes, and we should get the next two weeks off.
And uh, and I think we should honor his dying wish.
Red CO: Simmons! Grif!
Good work on that mission, recruits.
Grif: Really?
Simmons: Thank you, sir!
Grif: Yeah, I mean I thought it went about as bad as it could possibly go.
Uh, not that I'm complaining.
I'm not.
Red CO: Yeah, it's a... damn shame about Hammer.
But we got all the intel command needed, and I have some good news for you two.
Grif: Is it that the war's over and you're sending us home?
Red CO: Haha, no Grif.
I'm authorizing your training as complete, and you're both being reassigned to a special outpost.
Simmons: Reassigned?
Grif: Special?
Red CO: You'll be leaving immediately. Thank you for your service, boys.
Simmons: But I like it here! You're a great leader, sir!
Grif: Is it too late to let you know that we didn't actually do anything and Hammer died a foolish death?
Red CO: That'll be all, privates.
Simmons: Hey, wait! Where are we being reassigned to?
Grif: Does it at least have a better name than Danger Canyon?
*instrumental*
Red CO: Are you sure about this, Captain? These are the worst soldiers I have ever seen in my life.
Why would you want them?
???: Don't you worry your pretty little head, sport. I've got big plans for our little privates.
And please...
...call me Cappy.