(energetic instrumental)
(frightening instrumental)
- Today the Interstellar Legion stands
at the brink of total galactic control.
The Union of Unconquered Planets weakens everyday,
our newly designed Dread Cruiser
is the terror of the universe.
All thanks to you, our troopers.
The most elite fighting force in the galaxy!
(awkward coughing) (board game pieces clacking)
And to show how much we value your hard work,
all labor shifts will be cut in half, yes.
- Awesome
- Yeah, but unfortunately after our last team building day,
we lost half our troopers in what we now call
"The Great Trust Fall" accident.
So, labor shifts will also be doubled.
- Eh, figures - Aw.
- Let's see what else we have here...
Ooh, this is fun, we're starting
a trooper of the week program, eh?
Little contest.
Now I know what you're thinking,
why reward good troopers when we can just kill bad troopers.
- Chase knows! Because-
(futuristic gunshot)
- That was a rhetorical question!
So, starting now, the best trooper of the week,
will get the honor of guarding
the Legion's most cherished object: the orb!
- Oh!
- It kinda sounds like you're just rewarding work,
with more work.
- Of course not, who wouldn't wanna guard the orb?
- Well actually-
(futuristic gunshot)
- That was also rhetorical!
And with that the race for trooper of the week
is really heating up!
(excited chuckle)
Isn't this fun?
- Is... is that a rhetorical question?
- Yes, yes it is.
Which means you interrupted me!
(futuristic gunshot) - Ah!
And finally we're moving forward with our plan
to build the vast robot army
to conquer our remaining enemies,
and bring and end to senseless trooper deaths.
- No way!
(futuristic gunshot)
- Yes way!
- Exciting stuff, a bot army?
And can you imagine guarding the orb?
- Yes, it would be just like guarding anything else
on this stupid ship.
(shocked slow gasp)
- This ship is not stupid!
- [Ship Intercom] Warning. There's a clog in the milk tube.
Repeat, food chunks are clogging up the tubes
that spew milk into the drinking trays.
- And it's the orb, don't you even know what the orb is?
- Of course I do, everyone does!
- Oh yeah, you'd have to be an idiot not to know that.
- What kind of question is that?
- Okay okay you're right,
I won't explain any more details about the orb.
- Good I mean why would you explain
something we already know.
- I wouldn't there'd be no reason to.
Our names are Mara, Wimbeldin, and Vin.
- Okay, you're talking so weird.
- This is where we work.
- We get it.
- We are troopers.
- But, could you just think about it, at least?
I mean, come on, if we're guarding the orb
we could really do something for the Interstellar Legion.
- It's busy work, everything we do
on this ship is busy work.
You know what I'm doing right now?
Three things: lights...
(switch clicks)
fan...
(fan engine buzzes)
air lock.
(metal squeaking)
That's it, okay? (distant screaming)
We are invisible and disposable.
- Good point.
- No, we're not!
- Good point.
- Look, you gotta look at the big picture,
it's like a colony of space ants.
A single space ant is insignificant,
but together they were able to build the voting block
that removed the queen from power instituting
the first space ant democracy.
- But we're not space bugs, okay,
we don't have that kind of individuality.
- Sure we do, just look at the trooper manual.
- Ugh, throw that shit away!
- I have told you multiple times before.
I am not a trash can.
- Okay, Trashy, we know, you're a "trash bot".
Ha, same thing.
- Trash bots don't exist.
Why would anyone make a robotic trashcan.
I am a tactical computation bot
that you have decided to fill with trash.
Presumably because I look vaguely
like an old human trashcan. - Oh my God!
- Trashy, can you shut the fuck up for one second?
You're sitting here having a TED Talk about trash,
while Mara is having an existential crisis.
- It's not a crisis, it's a reality.
I have worked as a trooper for longer than both of you,
and no one outside of this room even knows my name.
Every time Dread Lord sees me, he says hey buddy.
- You're focusing too much on yourself.
Let me show you something.
(dramatic emotional music)
- This... was my father's.
I didn't know much about him,
but I know that the gave his life fighting for the cause.
For something bigger than him.
Whenever I wonder about what I'm doing here, I look at this.
His name was Rich.
Or... Larry?
- You don't which?
- Well it was one of them, they were always together,
and honestly I'm still confused
about which one was which,
but one of them was definitely my father.
- This is exactly what I'm talking about.
You have no idea which one
of these identical men was your father?
- Okay, alright, maybe that was a bad example.
Wembilden, you like being a trooper right?
- Hell yeah, everybody in my family is a trooper.
- Okay, so what do you think is the best part?
- Come on, I'll show you.
Look at that, all the starts and planets in the galaxy,
laid before you, nearly all of them
are untied underneath the Interstellar Legion
And if you're a trooper,
you can go to any of these thousands of worlds.
(monster roars)
Or you can go to one of these thousands of worlds.
And, once the bot army is complete,
you might even get to go there without being shot at.
- Wow, great, they should put that on the postcard.
- Mara, I may not be a trooper but I know how you feel.
There's one place that always cheers me up.
It is quiet here in the server room, but-
- Wow this place sucks.
- Perhaps at first glance, but if you-
- This place cheers you up?
- You can come here to cry, it's lovely, and I love it.
- Why are we listening to a trash can?
- I thought this was your idea.
- No, fuck no.
- Well, then let's get the hell out of here.
- You guys go one without me,
I think I might just stay here a while.
- Huh, weird.
- Did she invite you guys to her birthday?
- No.
- What? Is it just gonna be me and her?
(robotic crying)
- Okay, I don't want to have to say this again,
but please, leave the toilet seat up when you're done
with it, for me.
- Another good thing about being a trooper
is that you can hide snacks in your helmet!
(crunchy chewing)
- You like being a trooper, that's great.
I'm just sick of being indistinguishable from everyone else.
- I think it's safe to announce
our first trooper of the week is:
Uh... uh...
Uh... you!
- What, really?
- See? The Legion notices all your hard work.
They care about you.
- Wow, maybe.
- Here you go, little sash.
- Uh, down here.
- Yeah, I- uh- Duh.
Here you go, this is your sash.
And of course you get to guard the orb.
- Can my friends come too?
- Truly don't care.
- What about my trash bot?
- I'm not a trash-
(dramatic orchestra music)
- Here it is, through this door lies the orb.
Yup, oh and, congratulations and enjoy your guarding.
- Oh, uh, actually I was thinking
maybe we would get to see it?
- You're joking, right?
You want to see the orb?
The orb.
Do you have any idea how powerful the orb is?
- Oh, totally. - When I think orb I think,
- 100 percent - like, powerful...
right behind that door.
- Imagine unimaginable power, that's the orb.
Oh...
So you see, I can't just open the door
for a bunch of nobodies.
Perhaps a better way to look
at this reward is, uh... is...
Busy work.
Do your job, bye bye.
- Well that sucks.
Anyway....
- You know, for a second
I finally thought someone had noticed me.
- Hey we notice you, you brought us with you
when you didn't have to.
- Yeah, to a bullshit assignment!
- Are you kidding? We're so close to the orb!
That's incredible!
- And you know me, I'm just happy to hang wherever.
- I bet if you get right up to the door,
you can hear the orb.
- You know, I guess if I have to be stuck somewhere,
I'm just glad it's with the two of you.
- I think you mean three, as I am mentally and emotionally,
indistinguishable from biological sentient life.
- Shut the fuck up, Trashy.
(laughs)
- That is not funny, it's just mean.
- I'll say, and if we stick together,
there is nothing we can't-
(electricity hums)
(terrified screams)
- Oh my god!
- Wembilden, he's fucking dead!
- That's insane, I thought he was like the main guy!
- What do you mean, what even is a "main guy"?
- The - like a more important person!
(electricity humming) - Stop, that's the orb room!
(mystical choir sings)
- Wayfinder, it's a wayfinder!
- Fuck the orb room, run!
Go, go, go!
(dramatic low music)
- Wait up, wait, oh I see what you're doing.
Good idea, we should spread out.
It will make us much much harder to catch, good tactic.
Oh dear...
(energetic music)