(Jay Leno) You know, to get ready for this event
tonight, I read a lot of Mark Twain. I didn’t
actually read it, I listened to audio tapes
as read by Kourtney Kardashian. It was
very close to that. See I always
liked the way Mark Twain looked. You know,
the shock of white hair,
the handsome chiseled features. Of course if
he looked like that today, he’d probably be
replaced by a younger, more talented,
Jimmy Twain. Yeah you know I'm really
proud of Jimmy and Seth. They've done
a wonderful job on their respective
shows. Keeping them number one. See,
see the truth is, my time was done.
See, I was fortunate. When I left the
Tonight Show, I didn't leave dead broke
like Bill and Hillary. I was able to save
some. I was able to save some. See you have to
know when it's time to move on,
especially when getting old in a young
business. See everybody on the Tonight Show
was like 22 to 45. I was like the
oldest one there and when you work with
young people, you think you're inspiring
them, but you realize they're really just
laughing at you. 0:01:12.549,0:01:18.789 Because you can't be hip past a certain
age. You have old guy gestures that will
give you away. I did this myself. We had a
meeting with our staff. At the end of
meeting I said, listen, um, I'll give you
guys a call over the weekend. (gesturing) What is it
Mr. Leno. Are you sparkling? What do you mean, I may give you a
call over the weekend? What is this? I should have just
gone like this - I'll get on the horn. (gesturing)
Last year we got these six interns. These
six young women, 18 to 21, from Ithaca
College. You know, nice girls. So I'm
stopped in the hall. And they say, “Mr. Leno,
do you have the time?” I go “yes,
it's about, it's about half past two.”
She goes: “Oh, thanks I guess.” I go, “Is
there something wrong?” She said, “I'm sorry,
what time is it”. I said, “it's half past two.
You know 2:30.” She said, “Oh 2:30, okay.
What's half path two?” I said, “you know, it’s not an
Indian word - half path two.”
I said … “it's half-past two. Haven't you
ever heard that.” “No, I never heard that.
I never heard that.”
See, now I'm the crazy old man of The
Tonight Show. I have my own language:
hippi two, hippe two. See I don't mind
being 64. I don't mind looking 64. But
something unfair happened and I
mention this because it happened 25
years ago, this month. Yes 25 years ago this
month I was 39 years old. I was hosting
the Tonight Show every Monday night. On the
preceding Friday, I'm riding my
motorcycle too fast. I'm on a
windy road called Mulholland Drive. I'm
going 85, 90, 95, pushing the bike a little
bit I come to a corner, hit some sand, bike
slides off, hits a tree, bike is
destroyed. I slide along the pavement and
my legs all cut up. Wirrr - ambulance
takes me away. Saturday, I got out of
hospital bed and tried to walk – AHHH! I can't get
out of the hospital, it's too painful. I
can't walk. Sunday, Sunday, I walk a
little bit. Monday, I walk out on stage
like nothing happened.
Thirty-nine years old, three days after a 100 mile
an hour motorcycle crash, I am back on
stage like that! Last Thursday,
I'm sitting on my couch. I yawn and turn my
head at the same time, yaaa, moving like that doing a move
like that on my Lazy Boy chair at my age - yawning and
turning my head at the same time. What a fool I was!
You know, there's been an awful lot of
talk lately about comedians and their
backgrounds and I always hear about
comedians having these horrible
childhoods with terrible parents. I had
the most wonderful parents. And my
parents inadvertently were the funniest
people I ever met. My mother came to this
country when she was 11 years old
from Scotland, by herself, very quiet, very
meek. My mother would always say whatever
you do, don't make yourself the center of
attention, that's the worst thing that
can happen. I actually can see that worked
out well. She met my dad, a tough Italian
kid who was a prizefighter, my dad was a
prizefighter, went on to became an insurance
salesman. And this is how you get into
comedy, okay. My dad worked for Prudential
insurance, he was a manager, and once a
month he would bring home either a new
salesman or the top salesman for the
month for a good home cooked meal,
because my mom was such a good cook, you
know. So my dad comes home one day goes…
“look, tomorrow I'm bringing home this
new guy, he's six foot four, but he's got
a wooden leg from the knee down.” So he
says to my mother … “Whatever you do, don’t look
at his leg, don't stare at his leg, don't
say anything about his leg.
Mother expresses agreement. Dad says… Do you understand? Don't look at
his leg, don't stare at his leg, don’t say anything about his leg.
Just, just always look up, don't look at
his leg, don't say anything. So the
next night, my father comes home, says
to everybody, here this is Bruce and my
mother says … “hello”. My mother's like she's got
a broken neck, she won't even look down,
and she's putting the food down like
this (gesturing) you know,.. she's just all
tense you know. My father, so my father
gets all the food down you know; my
mother sits down. Now fine, she can sit
down, she doesn't have to look at his leg
So she can look him in the eye and
this guy says … Mrs. Leno, this is the best
Italian meal I've ever had. And my mother,
being from Scotland, where they have
these rather odd sayings, says well you
eat like a man with a hollow leg. Oh, for God’s sake what are you doing?
My mother locks herself in the bathroom.
She's crying, my dad's yelling. When
you're nine, this is the greatest thing
in the world! O my God, what’s more fun than this? Over the years I was in a
couple of movies. As many of my good
friends pointed out, I was not, I was
not a very good actor. I did have one
acting role that is still my favorite.
Playing tricks on my dad, my dad the Italian
guy, my dad had that Italian temper you
know.
I mean I knew how to get my dad's goat. So
one day I called home, and my mother was
the worst liar in the world, like oh, hi
ma, how you doing. Everything good. Hey, everything all right?
You sound like some … Nothing’s wrong. Let me talk
to Daddy.
He’s not here. What does that mean?
So finally I find out, my dad was working
on the roof, fell off the roof, hurt his
shoulder, he's in the hospital. I said … look
mom, I gonna fly. I'll fly home right now. So
I grabbed a midnight flight and I landed
six o'clock in morning. Now the hospital
is midway between Logan Airport and our
house in Andover. So I think I'll go
right to the hospital. So I get to the
hospital at 8 o'clock and I go up to the
one of the nurses there and say … Hi, I'm Jay Leno.
I said my
dad's in the hospital, could I have a doctor's outfit?
So I put on the thing and the mask and a
hat
and I get the clipboard you know, and I go into
my father's room you know. I go …
you are Angelo Limo, Angelo Limo? My
father goes no, it's Leno.
What's that, I-talian? My father goes … yeah
it's I-talian. And I go (sound). My dad goes, let me
tell you something, I don't like your
attitude fella. So when I get my back
turned, I say… well we got a lot of
Italian guys like you in here. He goes. What
does that mean?
You know old guys never work a day in
their life looking for a hot meal and a
free bed… (gesturing)
That was my greatest acting role ever.
[Applause]
Now a few years ago I had Drew Barrymore
on the show and she knew I've been
married a long time. She said … what's the
secret to being married and what's the
secret to a successful marriage? And I
said to her … Marry your conscience. Marry
the person you wish you could be. And
that's what I did when I married my wife
Mavis. Oh I gotta tell you, you know she's
my wife.
My wife and her fight for Human Rights
for women all around the world has been
an inspiration to me and to millions of
other women as well. I could not be
prouder of her. Most people hear the good
shows. She had to hear all the stupid ones
that didn't work, those
middle-of-the-night jokes. Oh man. You
know, marry your conscience. That's what I
did. I am so glad she didn't do that, or
she'd be married to Mahatma Gandhi right
now. Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna again thank you for
this beautiful statue that I will
treasure. This is you know, this is
kind of a cool award because there's so
many awards in Hollywood where
you kind of campaign for something, or
your press agent sees if you can get you.
This is one of these things you just
get a call one day and they go: oh, you
got this. So this means a tremendous
amount to me. I'm terribly touched by all
this and I couldn't be more touched by
all my friends Garth and Jerry and
everybody. Because it was just… Thank you for
the most wonderful night in my life.
Thanks everybody. Thank you guys.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]